Friday, July 31, 2009

The vanities fell correctly

This gives me the creeps. The picture where they're all crammed into the jar could be in my nightmares. Majorly freaked out.

So tired, so headachey, so fully up for proper partying tonight. Thinking of curling my hair. I don't know. Something. Of course it has to be freezing again today, always the way. Figured that I'll just play the whole thing by ear, if things get out of hand I'll just crash at Roze's and then head off early tomorrow morning. I think it's going to be quite epic.

Meanwhile, what the hell is this?

I'm a little underwhelmed by the new Mayday Parade song, and looking forward to upcoming releases by Say Anything (18/10) and Brand New (22/9). Although I'm kind perplexed by BN's choice of 'Daisy' as an album title. But hey, whatever.

Have a playlist - this one's entitled Acoustish as it contains songs that are kind of acoustic but not really. Up for download here.

> Streetlights - Ludo
> Black dress - Kisschasy
> Self conclusion - The Spill Canvas
> Divine Intervention - Taking Back Sunday
> Stay - The Fold
> Existentialism on prom night - Straylight Run
> Covers - The View feat Paulo Nutini
> Topeka - Ludo
> Another word for desperate - Straylight Run
> Starving your friends - Envy on the Coast
> The boy who blocked his own shot - Brand New
> Don't let them see you cry - Manchester Orchestra
> Make a plan to love me - Bright Eyes
> Lights and Buzz - Jack's Mannequin

[Obligatory disclaimer: Please note all downloads are for promotional purposes only, and should be deleted after 24 hours.]

Music: Capital M-E - Taking Back Sunday
Mood: Hugs?

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Today was a day just like any other

I know I said I'd post a playlist today but my net wasn't working for most of the day, so I haven't had time to upload it all. I actually resolved not to go online cause my headache is a thousand times worse than it was yesterday, but I seemingly can't help myself. I still try to convince myself that I'm not cheating - oh, just a quick look here, and oh, just quickly check that - yeah whatever. I don't even fool myself.

Managed to drag my reluctant carcass off to Westfields where I spent well over an hour swearing profusely at the style this season. Everything seems to be black and grey. This wouldn't bother me normally (in fact, I'd be perfectly content) but I have to attend the multi-colour party tomorrow so no good. Ended up buying a purple tunic-esque dress. Still wearing a black jacket though, sorry!

I'm so apathetic it's painful.

Here's another pity, there's another chance
Try to learn a lesson but you can't.
If we can burn a city in futures and in past,
Without a change our lives will never last.
Cause' we're going fast.

You can sit beside me when the world comes down,
If it doesn't matter then just turn around.
We don't need our bags and we can just leave town.
You can sit beside me when the world comes down.

I have this habit of becoming obsessed with certain lines or images from songs (or poems too I suppose). Just one single thing that sticks with me, regardless of the whole. For example: I'm an addict for dramatics I confuse the two for love; In a clear view there’s a silhouette and I watch you and I can’t forget; Do I divide or fall apart? Cause my light's too slight to hold back all my dark... It happens sometimes in ficion too though, I just fall in love with a sentence. I don't know what it is.

Music: I'm ready - Jack's Mannequin
Mood: A litte down and out

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Begging for the sun in a mid Missouri winter

I have had the worst headache all day. Makes sitting up seem like the most difficult thing ever. Finally seems to be breaking a bit, which is a relief. Too much to do, don’t have time for blinding pain right now! Bah.

House hunting has taught me there are some truly horrible places out there. Some look as if they’ve come straight from Life on Mars, others look like they’ve been housing Weevils, while yet others have that distinct “No beer and no tv make Homer go something something” look to them. So it’s either painful 70s décor, or house of horrors. Brilliant. I for one am pissed at having to move again. I like this house. I have painted the entire place, I have a Saxon green study. SAXON GREEN DAMMIT. I have the back of the house to myself and no one bothers me. I also like sitting outside just reading. Fuck. I’m not going to get it this good again and I’m certainly not painting again. Life is being such a bitch this year. And I’ve bought extra furniture which I will no doubt no longer have space for *weeps uncontrollably*

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a rental property around here on short notice? One does not simply walk into Mordor, and neither does one simply walk into the rental market. There is evil there that does not sleep!

PROMOFAIL – How not to inspire confidence in potential occupants.

Speaking of not inspiring confidence...oh Panic, what are you boys doing? They seem to be going the same way as Blink. One band people liked splitting into two that will no doubt have its moments, but in general do little to ever come close to what people once loved. Brendon and Spencer have gone the utterly underwhelming generic route with ‘New Perspective’, while Ryan and Jon (as The Young Vein) seem to be continuing on their Beatles revival experience with ‘Change’. Blah. Let me know when I should care again.

Meanwhile, on the internet:
> Handerpants!
> Goths in hot weather
> Texts from last night
> "Why I won't follow you on twitter"
> Wait, LIVING goo???
> D'awww cuteness
> Gay exorcism = church!fail
> Kyle and Jackie O = radio!fail
> Buffy vs Torchwood
[Killing your gays or how RTD tried for Titanic and ended up with Pearl Harbor. It's interesting that so many cannot help but make the Whedon comparison, I suppose it’s the epic character deaths that do it. I also find it interesting how general consensus seems to declare Whedon to have done it properly and so he still ends up with fan support. So perhaps a better tag would be 'Killing your characters for the plot - you're doing it wrong!']


Music: Topeka - Ludo
Mood: Frustrated

My life according to Muse

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 10 people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick your artist: Muse

Are you a female: Easily

Describe yourself: Butterflies and hurricanes

How do you feel: Invincible

Describe where you currently live: In your world

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Supermassive black hole

Your favourite form of transportation: Falling down

Your best friend is: Eternally missed

You and your best friend are: Knights of Cydonia

What's the weather like: Sunburn

Favourite time of day: Starlight

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: Time is running out

What is life to you: Stockholm Syndrome

Your relationship: City of delusion

Your fear: Citizen erased

What is the best advice you have to give: Take a bow

How would you like to die: Apocalypse please

Your soul's present condition: Ruled by secrecy

Your motto: Hate this and I’ll love you

Music: Starlight - Muse
Mood: Still achey

Meme numero trois

Lots of pillows or just one? Oh lots. I have more pillows than one person could ever possibly need. I have the habit of burrowing under them in winter while I'm sleeping, so I wake up in the morning covered in pillows. Suspect I’m part wombat.

What kind of books do you read? I try to read as broadly as possible these days. Since I’ve been at uni, I’ve been trying to keep all my bases covered. Classic canon, mysteries, a bit of non-fiction. I tend to avoid the mainstream kind of bestsellers like Jodi Picoult and that, because that sort of style’s never really appealed to me. At the moment I’m going for the more independent, post-modern stuff just to keep me in the right headspace for my thesis. Well, that’s what I tell myself I’m doing – inbetween I’m still reading extremely questionable tie-in novels and things like The Dresden Files. So yes, a little bit of everything.

What are your most awesome skills? Uh. I’m good at research. I’m usually able to find anything online with relatively little effort. Writing too, of course. I’ve also proven remarkably good at talking my way out of anything, but I don’t know if that extends beyond the academic world or not.

What's your occupation? Student/Receptionist

What's really creepy? Spiders. Fast, big, ugly spiders that run off before I can kill them, like the one that just ran under my fridge and now I keep glancing at it. Also, my backyard is quite creepy at night. I know there’s nothing out there, but ugh. It makes funny noises and stuff… and there are more bugs out there.

What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction? I’m in the market for a new fandom actually *stares sullenly at TW DVDs* Well no, that’s a lie, I’m still skulking around the fandom but it more resembles scouring a plane wreck for survivors. I suppose the Whoniverse in general is my fandom of choice *grumbles about stupid timelords ruining my life*

What flavor ice cream would you choose right now? Mint choc chip.

What's your favorite physical feature (on yourself, not others)? On myself? You’re kidding. Uh. I like my eyes I suppose.

Regrets? Have you had a few? But then again too few to mention…ok I won’t type the whole song. Regrets. I don’t know. I suppose I regret times when I’ve held back, been too introverted and didn’t try to put myself out there. Generally I don’t regret anything major, maybe rue and lament, but not regret :P

What was the last thing you bought? My lace-up boots of awesome.

What do you do to relax? Read. Write. Play with the dog. Listen to music. Watch a movie I’ve seen a bazillion times before.

Do you get cravings? If so, what do you crave? Coffee, for which craving is a bit of an understatement. Chocolate.

What do you do to change your mood? Wait, it’s possible for me to change my mood? Huh. Generally if I’m attempting this, it’s by listening to music or reading. Just reading forever.

What is your zodiac sign? Sagittarius.

Do you want to learn another language? I would love to learn more langauges. I fully intend to take French at the end of the year, and maybe German next year.

Five things you can't live without: Books. Music. The internet. Coffee. Writing.

What's something you'd like to say to someone right now? “I told you that we should have bought more chocolate.” To my mother because we are already out of the damn stuff and it’s only Wednesday.

What are you looking forward to? Just hanging with my friends - birthday party Friday, hanging with Lizzie Wednesday, Torchwood/True Blood marathon, various plays and gigs on the cards. It’s looking good.

Say something to the person who tagged you: The person I got this from doesn't read this blog so it's irrelevant. I would however like to say something to myself - stop procrastinating!!!

Music: Topeka - Ludo
Mood: Sore

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Meme numero dos

Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. Tag friends.

1. Harry Potter Series - J.K. Rowling
2. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
3. Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien
4. Arms and the man - George Bernard Shaw
5. Romeo & Juliet - William Shakespeare
6. The Book Thief - Markus Zusak
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
9. Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
10. 31 Songs - Nick Hornby
11. The Metamorphisis - Franz Kafka
12. Interview with the vampire - Anne Rice
13. Catcher in the rye - J.D. Salinger
14. The old man and the sea - Ernest Hemingway
15. Fear & loathing in Las Vegas - Hunter S Thompson

I tag all fellow lovers of books - Abbi, Sanna, Lizzie, Roze, Lucy, Stono, everyone!

Music: Another word for desperate - Straylight Run
Mood: Thirsty

Meme numero uno

So this is the Book of Questions quiz, which I've lifted from Sanna and Lucy. Onwards to procrastination and desperate avoidance of the fact that my supervisor wants to see my draft as she "assumes" I've done "some work on the novella over the break". It's amazing that I managed to complete this quiz while breathing into a paper bag really.

1. For a person you loved deeply, would you be willing to move to a distant country knowing there would be little chance of seeing your friends or family again?
Not to be pedantic, but in this day and age, what are the chances of not being able to visit your friends and family again? Where are we moving, Antarctica? The location would play a huge part in this decision. I won’t be moving to any severely deprived nations, for example. Regardless of how much I love someone, I will be of very little use if I’m a basket case.

2. Do you believe in ghosts and evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a remote house that is supposedly haunted?
Eh, not really. That’s not to say I haven’t been majorly creeped out by things. On that logic, I am disinclined to acquiesce to any haunted house sleepovers.

3. If you could spend one year in perfect happiness but afterward would remember nothing of the experience, would you do so?
Ouch. Hang on, if I remember nothing of the experience, am I losing the memory of the happiness or of the entire year in general? Cause that’s just too much time to lose for fleeting contentment. (I’m overthinking, aren’t I? And I’m asking a question of the question, never a good sign.)

4. If a new medicine was developed that would cure arthritis but cause a fatal reaction in 1% of those who took it, would you want it to be released to the public?

5. You discover your wonderful 1-year-old child is, because of a mix-up at the hospital, not yours. Would you want to exchange the child to try to correct the mistake?
This would just be an epic disaster waiting to happen. I would want to keep the kid, but it’s going to get insanely complicated when the children grow up.

6. Do you think the world will be a better or a worse place 100 years from now?
Reason stands to argue that at least in terms of technological development, it will be better. Humanity, on the other hand, I have my doubts about. It’ll probably even out and be roughly the same, just with handy microchips and teleportation.

7. Would you rather be a member of a world championship team or be the champion of an individual sport? What sport would you choose?
Being part of a team would no doubt be more fun, and it’d be nice to share something like that with others. I’d pick a really obscure sport, like lacrosse or something. Australia as a nation was very surprised to find out we even had a lacrosse team when they made the news for some or other drama a few months ago.

8. Would you accept $1 million to leave the country and never set foot in it again?
No way.

9. Which sex do you think has it easier in our culture? Have you ever wished you were of the opposite sex?
Oh, men have it so much easier. There’s no question about that. I can’t say I’ve ever really wished it with any real conviction.

10. You are given the power to kill people simply by thinking of their deaths and twice repeating the word “goodbye.” People would die a natural death and no one would suspect you. Are there any situations in which you would use this power?
Ooooh. Yes. Only with due cause such as self defence or defence of loved ones, never lightly or simply in the heat of the moment. Though the way this is worded it sounds extremely suspect, I mean this kind of power is perfect for petty vengeance but that’s not what I’d use it for.

11. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the body or the mind of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
This is my worst nightmare. Losing mental faculties fill me with a complete horror, but so does the frailty of old age. Either way, it comes down to being trapped. If I had the mind of a 30 year old, I’d be aware of how absolutely caged I am in my own body and that would be its own kind of hell. If I was in a 30 year old body, but suffered from senility or something, it wouldn’t be much use. I suppose if I was guaranteed a healthy mind for the 90 year stretch, save for a bit of forgetfulness and general wear and tear, then a younger body would be the way to go. Overall though, I think I’d rather not live until 90.

12. What would constitute a “perfect” evening for you?
Watching a brilliant sunset, followed by dinner with my friends where we order too much food and have too many drinks, before ending up on the beach talking and laughing around a bonfire.

13. Would you rather be extremely successful professionally & have a tolerable yet unexciting private life, or have an extremely happy private life and only a tolerable and uninspiring professional life?
I don’t think I’d be able to separate the two. But if I must, I suppose the latter.

14. Whom do you admire most? In what way does that person inspire you?
Are we talking about role models? Because I’ve never really been the role model type. I’ve always found it very strange. I’m inspired by tons of people though, creative types, honest and flawed, people who stick to their convictions and manage to live the lives they want without compromising who they are, that sort of thing.

15. If at birth you could select the profession your child would eventually pursue, would you do so?
No way.

16. Would you be willing to become extremely ugly physically if it meant you would live for 1000 years at any physical age you chose?
What kind of absurd pseudo immortality is this? Just offer me it all, or don’t even bother. Although, the things I could learn in a thousand years…But no. I’d have to pass on this one.

17. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be?
Confidence would be a plus. As would more patience, since maybe then I’d be able to see things through that I don’t immediately take to, like music or drawing. An eidetic memory would be insanely useful too.

18. You have the chance to meet someone with whom you can have the most satisfying love imaginable - the stuff of dreams. Sadly, you know that in 6 months the person will die. Knowing the pain that would follow, would you still want to meet the person and fall in love?
This sounds like a Nicholas Sparks plot. Sigh. Yes.

19. What if you knew your lover would not die, but instead would betray you?
Huh. No, I don’t think so. Doesn’t that sort of imply it's one-sided? If it was really the stuff of dreams, I can’t imagine it ending like that, it would mean my lover was never as involved as I was and in that case it negates the whole “most satisfying love imaginable” deal. It would simply come down to too many questions on my side, so why even bother.

20. If you knew of a way to use your estate, following your death, to greatly benefit humanity, would you do it and leave only a minimal amount to your family?
Oh of course.

21. Do you prefer being around men or women? Do your closest friends tend to be men or women?
My closest friends are all women, but it wasn’t always like that. I used to have a huge group of guy friends but I've never been able to replicate it. I don’t know, I can’t seem to keep male friends for very long.

22. If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you chose, would you?

23. While on a trip to another city, your spouse (or lover) meets and spends the night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and that you will not otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about it?
Considering the circumstances, sure.

24. If the roles were reversed, would you reveal what you had done?
Again, considering the circumstances, sure.

25. Are there people you envy enough to want to trade lives with them?
I don’t really envy anyone. Besides I can’t imagine being anyone else, as much as I desperately wish to be some days.

26. For an all-expenses-paid 1 week vacation anywhere in the world, would you be willing to kill a beautiful butterfly by pulling off its wings?
Ugh. I ineffectually gaped for a bit here. Um. I don’t think so. I couldn’t hurt something beautiful and essentially harmless.

27. What about stepping on a cockroach?
Depends what shoes I’m wearing. If I’m wearing boots, then sure.

28. Would you be willing to murder an innocent person if it would end hunger in the world?
I’m confused as to why I’d ever be in a situation to make this decision, and how this would even work – plot hole! Do I look like an immortal time traveller? Ahem. Ok, while eradicating world hunger is no doubt a good thing, the world has so many problems, something else will just move in and continue where the hunger left off. Seems wasteful to sacrifice an innocent person only to have humanity tear itself apart again anyway.

29. If God appeared to you in a series of vivid and moving dreams and told you to leave everything behind, travel alone to the Red Sea and become a fisherman, what would you do?
I would ponder the sheer insanity of it and proclaim that I thought visions were meant to be profound which, to me, fishing is not.

30. What if you were told to sacrifice your child?
Ok now that’s slightly more profound, but I’d still be hung up on the sheer insanity of it.

31. What is your most treasured memory?
I…can’t really say. I suck at these sorts of questions, I can never quite articulate anything. It’s there in the periphery of my mind, but no way of getting it out here *shrugs*

32. Have you ever hated anyone?
I have severely disliked people, but I can’t say I’ve ever really hated anyone with any true passion.

33. Would you rather be given $10,000 for your own use or $100,000 to give anonymously to strangers?
Considering how I waste money on random people as the urge takes me anyway, I’d say the latter. At least I’d actually have money to spend unlike my current stupidity where I buy half a moshpit water on my wage, or end up paying an old man’s consult fee like I did today because I felt too bad to tell him we didn’t bulk bill that particular procedure. Afterwards I’d probably berate myself for not taking the money for myself. It’s what I usually do (and they say you’re supposed to feel good about helping people? Bah.)

34. If you knew there would be nuclear war in 1 week, what would you do?
Relax, max out my credit card, and have a massive all-week apocalyptic party. The final hours will be spent on the roof, with deck chairs and cocktails in hand. Contrary to TS Eliot, we’ll go out with a bang not a whimper.

35. Would you accept 20 years of extraordinary happiness and fulfilment if it meant you would die at the end of the period?
Hm yeah. I mean, as long as I get to do it on my own terms. I don’t know why, but this type of question always makes me suspicious of a Dollhouse type scenario.

36. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
I’m not even 22. I have no great accomplishment.

37. Is there anything you hope to do that is even better?
Having a great accomplishment would be a good way to start.

38. Would you give up half of what you now own for a pill that would permanently change you so that 1 hour of sleep each day would fully refresh you?
Yes! This would be greatly beneficial since despite my fondness for it, sleep hates me. I can choose what I want to give up right? Oh just imagine all that extra time to do things with and not feel like crap because of it. Brilliant.

39. If you knew you could devote yourself to any single occupation - music, writing, acting, business, politics, medicine, etc. - and be among the best and most successful in the world at it, what would you choose?
Writing, definitely.

40. If you knew you had only a 10% chance of being so successful would you still put in the effort?
I'm already doing that at way worse odds, so I’ll take any boost I can get.

41. If you went to a dinner party and were offered a dish you had never tried, would you want to taste it even if it sounded strange and not very appealing?
Oh I would probably take a very small nibble with the most disgusted facial expression you could ever imagine. It’s how I roll.

42. Do your close friends tend to be older or younger than you?
I'd say it’s pretty evenly spread.

43. If the person you were engaged to marry had an accident and became a paraplegic, would you go through with the marriage or back out of it?
This is awful. You want to say you’d go through with it because you fell in love with the person and all that, but on the other hand something like that places such incredible strain on a relationship and people change under pressure, you may even find they don’t want to have you around anymore. Also, there’s the whole thing about never knowing if it’s progressed purely because of guilt or obligation and feeling like a burden…oh hell no, I’m not answering this. I’d have to make a call like that based on the circumstances.

44. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire; after saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any 1 item. What would it be?
My laptop/external hard drive. They’re connected so it counts as one item! My entire life is on this thing. My photos, my music, my bazillion word documents! Oh the unspeakable horror. [Also I’d like to think my pet/loved ones are quite capable to save themselves, so I should be able to grab some other stuff too as I run out of the house.]

45. How would you react if you were to learn that your mate had had a lover of the same sex before you knew each other?
Unperturbed? I can’t imagine I’d be surprised.

Music: Streetlights - Ludo
Mood: Cold

We stalk the idle kind

There is a movie in which a main character says "I would have stayed with you forever." Sort of subdued. Does anyone know what movie this is, or did I make things up again? And yes, I've googled it and I only came with Hope Floats but that can't be it cause I've never actually seen that movie.

I think I may have gotten confused somewhere with the dialogue from Casino Royale - "whatever is left of me, whatever I am, I'm yours." I don't know. Hm. Feeble brain!

I constantly have to stop myself buying the new Bond movies, I'm still trying to convince my parents we really need the boxset. It's to little effect. Perhaps I should buy it with my tax know, instead of doing something useful, like saving.

I really need a nap, but it wastes too much time, so now I'm sitting where I'd normally nap with my laptop in the vain hope my brain will somehow be conned into thinking I am actually napping. I know, it's convoluted reasoning, even for me. This is the perfect time of day though, the sun slants across the foot of my bed and it's just so warm and toasty. Perfectly lazy. I think I may be less fond of it when summer comes, but ah well. Can't win them all.

I really need to stop emailing myself.

I may or may not be doing a lot of meme things today. I'm in that sort of blah mood. I consider this blog to be forewarned.

Oh no, my father, he approaches.

He's telling me his car will be ready tomorrow. And touching my books. And complaining about my carpet. And trying to press random buttons on my keyboard...

I've gotten rid of him. It's not as easy as it sounds. Peace returns to the Dominion of Dorkdom in the far reaches of the house.

That's my real-time blogging contribution for the day. Now where was I? Oh yes, nowhere. Interesting.

New playlist will be going up sometime between now and Thursday - it has a more acoustic vibe.

I still need something to wear to Roze's party, so I should probably go shopping tomorrow.

I've run out of things to ramble about. How odd.

Music: Jaws Theme Swimming - Brand New
Mood: Blah

Monday, July 27, 2009

Every line is about who I don't want to write about anymore

I remember when I did really obscure, introspective posts. Back when I first started blogging. Somehow along the way it really became more of a journal, a catch-all for whatever random thoughts flitted across my increasingly obsessive mind, to the point where it's merely the inner chatter of my head. It's too bad for whoever stumbles across this, it's no doubt a lot more boring this way.

Anyway. Fandom nonsense ahead. If you’re sick to death of my OCD, I suggets you don’t even bother with this entry.

As the sun sets on Comic Con 2009, and another day ends where Russell T Davies acts like a smug bastard and makes me lament the creative world I so dearly love and hope to be a part of, I’d like to say that I am so damn proud of the Torchwood fandom. Despite all the plain batshit crazy stuff that’s gone down and the deep divisions that have been built on nasty stereotypes, the fans have shown more heart and humility in their various campaigns, both for and against, than the show’s creator has shown all month. Things have, in general, been quite civil and each has been allowed to have their own opinion and stand by it, everyone has had a chance to be heard. They've done so well, they've even gotten themselves noticed. A little respect and humility goes a long way, and I’m glad to see that the fandom knows this – “a campaign with a heart and the desire to do good”. They’re good people. So put that in your nihilistic pipe and smoke it.

On another note, there are too many vampire-esque things out there at the moment. Just looking at what's available to me on tv right now - I can watch Twilight of course, and there's True Blood, Demons, Being Human, Moonlight, Sanctuary, Supernatural (I'm sorry there wasn't a Supernatural panel at comic con, I would have paid TW fans to go to that instead, just for kicks...yes, I'm fickle like that.) I mean I know vampires have always been around (Buffy, Angel etc) but it seems that much more prominent in the mainstream right now. Probably Twilight's doing.

I am however randomly watching Brothers & Sisters and finding it to be quite amusing/interesting/good. Must look into it further.


Music: Okay, I believe you but my tommy gun don't - Brand New
Mood: Sleepy

Sunday, July 26, 2009

This just in: possible god complex now?

There is nothing more terrifying than getting in too deep. If the last month has taught me anything, it's that you're never quite safe from it. It creeps up on you, from unexpected places. It lulls you into a false sense of security, blinds you with glamour and with kind, soothing words, until you trust, you believe, you want and you need. Sometimes I wonder if these elements can actually exist without one another.

What struck me was how careful I've always been, how closely I've played my cards to my chest and yet this seemingly inconsequential thing could sneak past my barriers and break me. It was something I never saw coming, from an angle I never anticipated, but it goes to show you can't ever get too comfortable. I keep my distances for a reason. I don't trust and I don't love, because when I do, it's completely and unconditional. If I let you in, little by little, every square inch is a victory against myself, and once you're here, I will keep you forever. I would tear down the world for those I care about. It doesn't help that I have an overdeveloped conscience and a odd sense of morality that rears its head at inconventient times, but that is not pertinent to this reflection.

Every time that trust is betrayed, every time my faith proves to be unfounded, I draw back a little more, add another layer to my defences. So to me, it's quite strange to see peole be so open, so free and easy with their emotions. Quick to love, quick to get hurt. I worry about them, about how it'll all work out, because I've seen it before and I simply do not trust general humanity not to turn around and kick them when they are down. Half the time I can let it go, though it never sits quite right with me. I'm too removed to get involved, too removed to allow myself to care. I'm always on the fringes of conversation so I can just get a feel of the personalities and where they're going, where things are heading and how big the fallout will be.

Now, to round off what has to be one of the most draining months of my life, I feel it looming. But these are my friends. Everything's changed now. I'm invested, I'm commited and I will tear anyone limb from limb if they so much as dare to hurt them intentionally. And I fight dirty. My friends aren't this careful and calculating, they don't see the world in the same way I do and I'm thankful for that, but I can't just let it go. I may simply be overprotective, arrogant, or filled with a misplaced sense of duty and loyalty. Maybe I'm just seeing monsters where there are only shadows, but as far as I'm concerned someone has to. There's daggers in men's smiles. This feels like it's headed for distaster. I don't trust it. I won't let it break anyone if I can help it. I will do what I have to. So yeah, when I say I've got your back, I really mean it.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is also pretty much why Ianto Jones is, and always will be, the heart of Torchwood in my humble opinion. I too would have hidden a cyberman in the basement, I too would have been willing to trudge up to a nuclear powerplant despite imminent death, and I too would have had to resist the urge to kill anyone who'd hurt my friends. I would not however have agreed to threaten hostile aliens with bad PR, but I suppose everyone makes a bad call every now and then.

Music: In my place - Coldplay
Mood: Determined

Holding dominion over the entire shallow, pointless conversation

I have spent the entire day in bed. I was going to go out but there were cars parked in the driveway and I didn't have the energy to argue with neighbours today, so I simply got back udner the covers. Frankly, it's too cold and wet out anyway. I cannot wait for this damnable season to be over. Maybe then I can return my skin to some passably human state. Maybe I should just wipe the entire winter from my memory. Someone pass the retcon!

Seriously though, really need to find a dress.

I have come to the conclusion that I love Twitter. How can I not? It’s the easiest way to be involved with absolutely anything that takes your fancy, anytime and anywhere. You are constantly in the know. Prime example, I’ve been following the Comic Con thread for the duration, and it’s the next best thing to being there. The photos, the gossip, the jokes, the trailers that are posted almost instantaneously on youtube (although I often wish there was a way to edit out the screeching that often accompanies these things.) It’s all there, in real time. That’s what sets Twitter apart from other services, it may be excruciatingly boring and seem totally pointless most of the time, but when something’s happening, you have immediate access to it regardless of where you are or who you are “friends” with. If you look at the way certain people use it, like Amanda Palmer for example, it has the potential to open so many doors. In general though, the internet has made the world a much smaller, much more accessible place and for someone like me, who just loves to know everything, it’s the most amazing thing. Social networking may seem like benevolent stalking and gross narcissism and/or megalomania, but it’s all in how you use it. The opportunities afforded by this medium are just staggering.

Three observations made from comic con videos:
- Johnny Depp continues to amaze me, he’s so unassuming. He gets so uncomfortable and I swear he still blushes. He’s not unappreciative of his fame; he just doesn’t get what the hell everyone is on about. I think it’s great.
- David Tennant is such an entertainer/loon. I mean that in the best, I-really-want to-kidnap-you, way.
- Noel Fielding is adorable. End of.

Now I have to leave my dominion of Dorkdom in order to be a geek in the living room. The final episode of Merlin is on tonight and I can finally watch the damn thing. I had words with the nutter who downloaded these for me and insisted there were only twelve episodes *rolls eyes*

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will.

Yoda tried to warn me.

Music: The IT Crowd
Mood: Lazy

It's nothing other than collateral damage

What does it matter, a dream of love
Or a dream of lies
We're all gonna be in the same place

When we die
Your spirit don't leave knowing
Your face or your name
And the wind through your bones
Is all that remains
And we're all gonna be
We're all gonna be
Just dirt in the ground

The quill from a buzzard
The blood writes the word
I want to know am I the sky
Or a bird
Cause hell is boiling over
And heaven is full
We're chained to the world
And we all gotta pull
And we're all gonna be
Just dirt in the ground

Music: Macguyver...seriously.
Mood: Pensive

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Tell you all about a scene that you would kill for

I have secured a gig buddy to Dananananaykroyd on Wednesday which should be lots of fun. Glaswegian bands FTW! I'm also considering taking Saturday off work so I can spend Friday night indulging in some A-grade partying for Ms. R's birthday. Even though she's given it a ridiculous dress code that means I can't wear any black (or white or grey) thereby effectively eliminating 99% of my wardrobe choices. Shopping around for a red dress now. A red dress could no doubt come in handy in many situations.

For the record, I still haven't slept properly. Evidenced by the moaning on twitter at 2am. I have however finished Turn Coat, which I really enjoyed. Appreciation of series defintiely renewed.

Came across a quote this evening:

You’ve got to be merciless. People will say ‘You love your characters’. But nobody loves their characters that much. If you really write, and you love them, you are the God of them and you can kill them with the click of a finger. It’s joyous to do so.

I don't think I could ever take this approach to my characters. Does this make me a bad writer? I mean, I can't imagine just killing them off for the fun of it. Hell, it's not like setting your Sims on fire, just to witness the chaos that ensues (and the few times I have set my Sims on fire, I never saved the game, so it was never a lasting thing, more of a what if - an AU! Yes.) The thought of killing off one of my characters is really quite disturbing. I've only really had one character death and that was technically Abbi's, and which was part of character development for one of my characters. That was hard enough. So even if I had to off one for the sake of a story, I can promise you there would be no joy in it. So yeah, I do actually love my characters that much.

I wonder if JK Rowling had this sort of approach to her character deaths? I mean at the end there, they were sort of dropping like flies. I wonder if they were difficult choices or was she just so over it, so detacthed, that by that point it didn't matter? I suppose some characters are merely created to die eventually. Maybe that's a little callous. I really care about my characters, but maybe I care too much. I never thought that was really problem, but maybe I'm just not there yet. I don't know. I suppose I just can't imagine that any character death would come easily, or joyfully. I mean my honours piece is centred around a death, but it's not really a character that comes into play as much as a shadow lurking in the protagonist's mind. It's meant to hurt her. I can't say I take any pleasure from it.

Music: Tigerlily - La Roux
Mood: Frustrated

Friday, July 24, 2009

Happiness it hurt like a bullet in the mind

Question: But it's a risky thing to kill off such a popular character.
Davies: Absolutely. There’s a risk that some people won’t come back to watch now that Ianto’s gone. I thank them for watching the show and I recommend they go watch Supernatural, because those boys are beautiful. And don’t tell me they’re brothers. [Laughs] Not in my mind.

[from new EW interview]

Hang on. Did he just completely negate fan reaction by implying it's simply about looks and slashers?


No. Just no. I'm so over this bullshit.

I spent the entire night last night in some sort of half-awake state. I hate it. I'm always half tempted just to get out of bed and do something, but at the same time the rational part of my brain is insisting that I at least try to sleep. I've had a terrible run the last two weeks, it's never been this bad before. Not eating properly, not sleeping properly, being insanely busy at work and verging on sickness, I'm so close to backhanding someone back to next month. It'll either be the next patient who shows up half an hour early and then complain about having to wait (here's a tip, show up on time!!!), myself, or perhaps Russell Davies who deserves it for not letting things die in peace.

Despite being barely able to keep my eyes focused, the day was not a total loss. I got my hair done and made a beautiful dinner. I also watched two hours worth of 30 Rock, which is quite amusing, all things considered.

With deep calming breaths (and perhaps some sleeping pills), maybe I can actually do some work this weekend.

Dananananaykroyd are playing the Annandale on Wednesday, I need a gig buddy.

Music: Dog days are over - Florence And The Machine
Mood: Aggravated

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Cut it loose, watch you work the room

It's an odd sort of hurt. A dull, throbbing ache in the pit of the stomach that reflects one part apprehension, two parts regret, and a collection of smaller feelings that don't stay still enough to pin down. It's vaguely familiar but still quite new. It shouldn't be like this. Not anymore. It shouldn't take the fight right out of me the way it does. I've spent years lying to myself, lying to others through a fake smile and a generic 'I'm fine', so I should be able to force myself out of this. It's nothing, it's small fry, it's of no consequence to the greater tapestry. Though isn't it always the little things that seem all the more painful? A papercut, biting your tongue, a catch in your favourite sweater, a stain on your favourite book, a broken sole on a beloved pair of shoes. Are we all just held together by the little things, are we truly just parts that make a whole, held together with tape? You take away one little part and the entire house of cards comes falling down. Sometimes it seems more poetic to think so, easier even. Other times it's much easier to just think of a whole, existing seperate and apart. Existentialism, maybe. I don't know what I'm saying. I should be able to identify this, to deal with it. To move on. Then again, I've never been good with letting go. I've never dealt well with betrayal and change either. I'm too invested. I like to know what I'm up against, I like to face things head on, so it comes as little surprise really that my biggest obstacle is, and no doubt always will be, myself.

But enough melodrama for one evening. I feel far too violently ill to argue with myself. I blame McDonalds. When you haven't been eating properly in weeks, greasy food is not the way to go. I'm also beginning to think I shouldn't be allowed to blog after certain times. Note to self and so on.

Music: The (after)life of the party - Fall Out Boy
Mood: Pessimistic

I get by with a little help from my friends

Yesterday was a complete geek-night. Fun and relaxing, making it easy to forget that anything important may or may not be occuring outside of your current state. Pizza, biscuits, warm blankets and good company, who would argue with that? Although my dvds hadn't arrived (and still haven't), we settled in to watch copious amounts of Supernatural. It had been the initial plan anyway, so no major drama. We didn't do too badly either, got through most of season 3 - there was only four eps left by the time I headed home. While I enjoyed it, it's not really something I can see myself getting into. I'm too ambivalent about the characters and too exasperated with the predictability of the fights (and the stupidity, honestly people, come on.) It definitely feels a bit like 'Charmed' with boys. Good looking boys. Very good looking boys. Funny too (the timing and facial expressions really carry the show.) But that's besides the point really. Like I said, I did enjoy it. It was not nearly as creepy as I expected it to be. Oh and I must admit, though it disturbs me greatly, it's not hard to see where the whole Wincest thing comes from, they've made it far too easy... *shudder*

"We don't look nearly as good in a suit as your fictional Welsh boyfriend, but we're trying."

Next on the list, True Blood.

I spent today overdosing on Nutella and reading the latest Dresden Files novel, Turn Coat. I am already intrigued by it because it actually falls straight into the action again and there's a deadline. I'm tired of sitting around waiting for stuff to happen. I finished Jasper Fforde's The Eyre Affair yesterday which sort of made me want to try reading Jane Eyre again even though that novel is my literary nemesis. It hates me. It refuses to let me get past the third chapter. As for Jasper Fforde, I'm not sure whether I actually liked it or not. The writing is decent enough and the premise is absolutely brilliant, but I feel like it's lacking something that would make it click for me. I don't know. I suppose I expected more from it. I do love a good random literary reference though, and there's more than enough in this. The next one in the series is Lost in a good book and I might give that a try before I come to a decision on the whole thing. That'll have to wait though, I think I'm going to give American Gods a spin next. In between the uni readings of course. Of course. Ahem.

Music: Happiness is a warm gun - The Beatles
Mood: Nerdy

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

We are not amused

So pissed at the BBC right now. Probably unfair seeing as its not their fault [if they dispatched it when they said they did], but still. I mean The Book Depository delivers within a week! It's been 10 days and still no sign of the dvds. Completely ruining my plans for the day. Grumble.

From Jasper, with love.
[[Power and speed and death rolled into one]]

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Strength in my bones put the words in my head

My CoE dvd hasn’t arrived yet. Slightly worrying since tomorrow I’m heading over to Roze’s where the forces of Dorkdom are gathering to watch the horrifying events, followed by a Supernatural marathon. Damn BBC, perhaps they took my extreme emotional railings personally…which is good, cause I meant it, and I’m not taking it back! But I still want my dvd(s? I’m sure it fits on one).

Speaking of, the New York Times does not buy your push-button writing. This must be the only review of the thing I’ve seen that has actually tried to look at it objectively as part of a series. I know a lot of people don’t get it, but trust me when I say CoE torched the fandom. If there could be natural disasters on the internet, this would be what the aftermath looked like. It’s happened in ways I don’t think anyone could have predicted, I certainly couldn’t fathom it at first. It’s…a mess. On many different levels, which I never even considered. There are so many thoughts and reactions floating around out there (like this one), I think it would be a dream for some of my social science lecturers. I’ve tried to apply that sort of rationale to it myself, but I tend to veer off on random tangents. I guess I’m just too close to the subject matter and not well versed enough in some of the discourses being employed to feel like I’m able to do it justice. Still, eight thousand word essay there to be refined. If only I could care this much about something important…like my graded uni work.

As I so cleverly change the subject, I got my uni results back for Honours Writing Workshop today - HD average. I really don’t understand my university. Why do I only ever seem to do well when I’m not actually trying very hard? Perhaps it has something to do with not looking like you’re trying too hard. I mean, honestly, how can I get a high distinction for that Proust essay I spent the greater part of two months avoiding? I just don't know. I’m also slightly concerned about how little I care. I really need to start properly focusing on my thesis. I don’t really have much interest in my final mark, but I do want to pass. Failing would just be a waste of a year and besides, I’ve never failed anything. I’m not going to start now. But the motivation! I need to find it! Ugh.

Now, another playlist. This one’s called ‘Faithless’ and it’s one of my many ever-changing Jack-inspired playlists.
"Those who are faithful know only the pleasures of love: it is the faithless who know love's tragedies." - The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde
I concede that it’s a bit all over the place, but you can still download it here if you wish.

> Borne on the FM waves of the Heart – Against Me!
> Angels with enemies – Lovedrug
> Glycerine – Bush
> 96 Heartbeats – As Tall As Lions
> Breakin’ – The All American Rejects
> You wouldn’t like me – Tegan and Sara
> I am a heart Watson, the rest of me is mere appendix – Forgive Durden
> Say hello to angels – Interpol
> Eat, sleep, repeat – Copeland
> This mess we’re in – PJ Harvey and Thom Yorke
> Rusted Wheel – Silversun Pickups
> Tautou – Brand New
> Moon and moon – Bat For Lashes
> Have you got it in you? – Imogen Heap
> Slowing down (long time coming) – Anthony Green
> Aloc-acoC – Brand New
> Set fire to the third bar – Snow Patrol
> La Cienega just smiled – Ryan Adams
> Parable of the sower – Forgive Durden
> Dance on our graves – Paper Route
> Do you wanna – Joshua Radin

Oh, as for my opinion on the Eleven costume, the bow tie kind of hurts my soul a little, but I will no doubt get used to it. You can get used to anything I suppose. I'm going to miss Ten so much!

I'm home alone tonight and car-less. It's not like I wanted to go anywhere, but the mere thought of being unable to do so is not much fun. I'm too lazy to make dinner but I have to eat something before I can self-medicate the epic headache of doom. Sigh. Toast?

[Obligatory disclaimer: Please note all downloads are for promotional purposes only, and should be deleted after 24 hours.]

Music: I want to know your plans - Say Anything
Mood: Blank

Sunday, July 19, 2009

I worried and stalled every night of my life

I saw tail lights last night in a dream about my first wife
Everybody leaves and I'd expect the same from you

Apparantly my father is considering getting a small car instead of a new motorbike since mum no longer trusts him not to, you know, die. In all fairness, it's easier to recover from something like this when you're young, he has enough aches and pains normally as it is without adding all this to the list. I suggested he get a nice little second hand car like mine. Yesterday he shows up with dealer pamphlets for new cars *facepalm* It apparantly won't just be his car, but one any of us can drive. So if, for example, my friends and I want to go on a road trip, I'd take this car instead of Jack. But we'll see what comes of it.

My parents don't tell me anything, I swear. Yesterday when I got home from work and they were gallivanting about looking at aforementioned cars, a family friend of ours shows up at the door. This leaves me perplexed (and half dressed since I wanted to have a shower before heading out) and her confused since she thought she was supposed to come over for dinner/watch the rugby and there I am staring at her blankly. I assured her she was no do bout right, I just have no idea what's going on. Anyway, my parents did eventually turn up to entertain the guests I had no idea were coming. Thanks guys *rolls eyes* I spent about half an hour showing her daughter my books. She ended up borrowing one of my Nancy Drew ones. It makes me strangely happy - I was her age when I first started reading Nancy Drew books myself.

Anywho, headed out to Penrith for a lovely dinner with Lizzie, followed by Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I have no idea how anyone who hasn't read the book knows what's going on. (Then again it probably serves them right, read the books! What's wrong with you?) Considering how played down it was, I can't imagine anyone really caring about Snape's proclamation of "I am the half-blood Prince!" It's more of a "yeah, so?" thing. Similarly, the symbolism of the phoenix at the end is also easily missed.

That said, it was very amusing. The humour and dynamic between the trio is really played upon and it makes it utterly charming. Ah, the awkward teenage moments! The Dumbledore scene in the cave was exactly like I always visualised it. Helena Bonham Carter really embodies her role as Bellatrix, she's one of the most memorable of the lot. I'm slightly perplexed as to why they felt the need to include the random fight scene at the Weasley place and then skip over the fight that occurs at the end - it begs the question why Draco wanted to get the Death Eaters into Hogwarts in the first place. But whatever. It's hard to expect much of these films seeing as they have so much ground to cover, but this one at least had charm to make up for its adaption. All in all, I enjoyed it.

Lizzie and I may have some problems though, we are unable to watch anything without bringing a bazillion outside jokes to the table. That's why half the time we will be laughing hysterically when no one else is. Cue many Doctor Who jokes, Lord of the Rings and Star Wars references, and a healthy dose of subtext. I still insist that Draco is clearly the bastard son of the Phantom of the Opera, just in Armani (I think Voldemort has some sort of deal with them.)

You will curse the day you did not do all that the Phantom asked of you!

So yes, that was pretty much my weekend. Today was spent doing fascinating tasks such as drive home and go grocery shopping. The fun and excitement, will it never cease?

Best reference of the day was found in Wil Anderson's Sunday column: "Sometimes I end up so lost in the mall, I half expect David Bowie to jump out and sing Dance Magic Dance!"

Best tweet of the week goes to Mark Hoppus who wanted to name a restaurant Om nom nom's. Mikey Way made things even funnier by responding with "What about Om Nom's nom nom's?" I probably shouldn't have found that as funny as I did.

Finally, best random quote goes to Gareth David Lloyd, "I'd like to go to space next, get my astronaut training...Ianto in space - inner depths in outerspace." Again, I should probably not have found that as funny as I did.

Now, to a warm shower and a warm bed...

I saw tail lights last night in a dream about my old life.
Everybody leaves, so why, why wouldn't you?

Music: Great Expectations - The Gaslight Anthem
Mood: Sleepy

Friday, July 17, 2009

Song obsession of the moment

I hear something out there callin' my name.
No matter where I turn it all looks the same.
I never sleep at night, I just stay up and wait.
But the burning in my blood never came.

Will I know it? Will I know it when I see it?
Will I know it? Will I know it when you're here?

I need you now, I need you more than ever before, before.

I know that where I am is not who I should be.
The devil take my hand and says child come with me.
My body shivers and aches. I can't break free.
Why do the things I hate come so naturally?

When we see the light when we're going home.
We'll dance on our graves with our bodies below.

Music: Dance on our graves - Paper Route
Mood: Pensive

Clocks are barely breathing

Just heard a delightful rumour that David Tennant is in contention to maybe, possibly play Bilbo in 'The Hobbit'. I don't even care whether he looks the part or is suitable or not - it's David Tennant. Just yes. Please. (There have also been whispers of Daniel Radcliff being in the running.) Rumours are circulating madly in the lead up to comic con since Peter Jackson is supposed to be making some announcement regarding it there (he's there to promote that extremely bizarre 'District 9' thing). Which is ironic, since the Whoniverse is out in force there this year too. One day I shall go to comic con. One day.

I wanted to include a pic of David from Harry Potter just to tie it all together, but Google Images is failing me. There aren't really any good ones. Possibly because he plays a deranged loon, but I did love him in that role (you may recall my imaginary conversation). Perfectly unhinged.

I also saw traces of fans wishing Tennant could play the Riddler in the next Batman movie. [Poster!] While it would be amazing for him to be part of the hugely popular franchise, 'The Dark Knight' was virtually carried by Heath Ledger. I doubt they'd gamble on someone who is essentially an unknown in a role that could make or break the film, especially since it'll be a good three years after the last one. Besides, I think Johnny Depp is pretty much a lock. If ever there was someone would could steal a movie, it's him. Plus he's now worked with Christian Bale.

The LA Times are also mentioning a Doctor Who feature film, but that's been going on for a while now. If they do make one, I request they don't let RTD anywhere near it. The man has gone completely mad with power, there's no telling what horrors he could inflict upon his audience.

But let me digress from what is clearly the rumours and speculation post. Have a random pic instead.


I'm fairly certain I have that exact same expression on my face as I type this.

Oh, before I forget, THIS is the TRUTH. Seriously. Happens to me all the time. I only found TV Tropes after googling alien whales last year (look, it made sense at the time) and I've already wasted an incalculable amount of time there. Procrastination is a random website's best friend.

Now, since I refuse to partake in anything that even remotely resembles real life and am therefore content to be completely boring, I'm going to have a nap.

Music: First train home - Imogen Heap
Mood: Bored

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Ghosts with just voices

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

My heart just broke a little. Again. Ugh. It's like it's held together with superglue, but it's not really the right consistency, so it pulls apart at odd times, and you have to really press down on it, to get it to stick. If you've ever tried to glue something back together that was never really meant to be glued back together, you'll know what I mean. You just keep applying pressure and hope that it'll stick this time.

Today has been...odd. I'm not in the best of moods. I had every intention of spending the day in my pjs, and distracting my dad with movies so he'd just be quiet for three hours. We couldn't agree on anything - I wanted Batman, The Prestige or something sci fi. He wanted the likes of Bridget Jones's Diary. There's something wrong there, I know. It didn't matter in the end since I had to drive him to Cambelltown to drop off his helmet - the insurance want it with the bike, or something. Grumble. An hour's worth of driving later, I took him to lunch. Finally returning home, we receive a letter telling us that we need to vacate the property. Vacate. The. Property. By 20 August. After I've just painted this I take it our landlord hasn't paid his mortgage so they're repossessing the house. Which is great, cept for the part were we have a 12 month lease and we just moved in. I...don't even want to touch this issue. I've done some research and they can't make us leave until they have gotten a court order and spoken with the estate agent (who knew nothing about this), so I've left it in her hands to sort out.

The last few months have really not been good. It makes me wonder what deity we pissed off. First, we were unexpectedly asked ot move out of the old place and the mad scramble to find somewhere to live (not easy in the current climate). Then dad had his accident. Not even two days later, this happens. All the while, I'm supposed to be doing an Honours degree. I put up with it the first time because, well, it needed to be done and I wasn't too worried because I figured once we were in the new place, I'd be set and I'd have time and space to work on everything. This...this is going to be a nightmare if it doesn't get sorted. I cannot move again, work, and research/write an Honours thesis. There is no fucking way. I need to be in the right frame of mind and have the opportunity to really focus on it. I can't do that if I'm looking at houses, packing, cleaning, working - and keep in mind that if we have to move, my dad will be useless since he has enough trouble moving himself around, let alone any furniture.

I neither have the time, nor the energy, to deal with any of this.

Music: Set fire to the third bar - Snow Patrol
Mood: Definitely moody

Walk through this house in your shoes

I've loved everything about you that hurts,
So let me see your moves, let me see your moves,
Lips pressed close to mine, true blue
But the prince of any failing empire knows that
Everybody wants, everybody wants
To drive on through the night, if it's the drive back home

I've already given up on myself twice
[But the] third time is the charm, third time is the charm
Threw caution to the wind, but I've got a lousy arm
And I've traced your shadows on the wall
Now I kiss them whenever I'm down, whenever I'm down
[Just kind of] figured on not figuring myself out

Music: G.I.N.A.S.F.S - Fall Out Boy
Mood: Moody

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I haven't forgotten

How do you pick up the pieces of an old life? How do you go on? When in your heart you begin to understand, there is no going back. There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts go too deep... and they've taken hold.

Music: Return of the King
Mood: Pained

It's not like something is keeping you from me

Ha. One of the first posts in my Google Reader today (from a music blog I follow) was entitled ‘Just Jack – The day I died’. You inadvertently amuse me, Google Reader. Well done. Another blog I follow updates so much, I always feel overwhelmed when I look at their thread. Seriously, 12 new posts since last night? Guyssss *whinges* I don’t know whether I should just give up on it. It does keep me up-to-date on useless movie information though. Such as comic book movies being all the rage at the moment. The Green Latern, Wonderwoman, The Green Hornet, Thor… I didn’t realise the last one was that popular. Natalie Portman’s apparantly been cast. I personally am not much of comic book movie fan. I sat through three Spider-man movies despite ardent protesting (the second one was the worst). There are exceptions of course (Batman, X-Men) but in general I find them dull, formulaic and lacking in logic. Do not get me started on the whole Superman glasses-are-not-a-disguise thing again. Oh and apparantly, Ridley Scott’s doing a Robin Hood movie.

On the topic of things that go unchecked, I have 9 new emails. All of them from myself. This is starting to become a bad habit. I’d say it beats writing on my hand but I still sometimes do that – today I have scribbled ‘Tautou’ on my palm. I’m terrible when it comes to this sort of thing. That’s why I feel the need to blog about the most mundane, trivial little things of my everyday life. It helps me cut down on the clutter. That said, I still have 15 post-its stuck up next to me and 53 draft emails saved on Jasper. SIGH.

I realised this morning I still haven't really eaten since Thursday. I was so antsy Friday, I couldn't even think of food. Saturday, I was way too distraught, and Sunday, well I don’t know, I must just have been on a different planet. Yesterday, I suppose I was just too busy. So in the last four days I have had a total of 2 slices of toast, a mini muffin, and half a small fries. Thing is, I'm not even hungry. But I should probably try and get a proper meal in at some point tonight.

On the domestic front, I’m very apprehensive about spending the next two days at home since my dad is being the most horrific patient ever. As far as I’m concerned, he’s not dying and he hasn’t broken anything, so while he may be stiff and sore, I see no reason why he should bellow for something every two minutes. Sigh. Also, I’m turning my dog into a slacker. She used to be up and about quite early, but since she's been sleeping in my room, she's become more and more reluctant to go out. Mum usually lets her out when she gets up for work (around 6.30ish, I'll be damned if I wake up that early) and normally Oreo’d be running around, wanting to play. Lately though, she doesn't want to move. She apparantly just eyes her, much like me when I'm woken up that early. Which is fair enough if you ask me, she’s up when I am and I only really turn in after midnight, and it’s winter, so who wants to be outside anyway? Chalk it up to another instance of my being a bad influence – even the animals aren’t safe!

Hm. I really need to do a back-up of all my music and images. If this laptop dies on me now, I will loose thousands of things I will never get back. 90% of those (excluding the music, of course) I don’t actually ever use, but that’s not the point. To be honest, my main concern lies with my icons. I have an unhealthy icon/display pic/avatar obsession. Seriously. They’re all neatly organised and hardly ever used since I only really have need for them on msn. My Torchwood folder alone contains 921 icons all up. I would love to see how many I have overall, but that’s too much like hard work. There are 32 main folders, and who knows how many sub-folders. Suffice it to say there is a lot. Like I said, unhealthy fixation.

For some reason I never got around to watching the Waters of Mars trailer before, and randomly did so today. I caught myself glee-ing at the end. Damn it, brain, what did we talk about last week? Fandom is bad, remember? Aaaaah. I can’t help it! I look forward to the return of one of my favourite deranged lunatics.

On a side note, is anyone ever tempted to, um, re-appropriate the Swedish books always sitting around IKEA? That is if they are actual books, something I’m not entirely convinced of. Not that I can read Swedish, but that’s not the point.

Anyway, I’m feeling generous, so if anyone wants any music or anything, drop me a comment and I’ll upload it for you if I have it. Meanwhile though, I present a random download:

> You are my face – Wilco

Music: Coastal Cities - The Secret Handshake
Mood: Rushed

Monday, July 13, 2009

Be proud when you dazzle the wondrous

Reality came crashing down with an iron fist today as my dad decided to become better acqainted with the road. Every time I drive to work now, I can look at the myriad of skid marks on the brand new surface and think fondly of my father. I'm sure I would have been more worked up when I got the call this morning if it wasn't for the fact that I'm still completely numb after last week. My brain just sighed and said "look, what do you want from me? I'm fried!" Anyway, he's fine. Well, ok maybe not fine, but he's alive and whole, and nothing is broken. He's got scrapes and bruises all down his left side, and I think he might have fucked up his knee cause it was starting to look nasty when I picked him up. Apparantly the ambulance wanted to take him to hospital but he refused. Blood pressure's sky high. I ordered him to the doctor's, which meant I spent the afternoon without a car. I was just hoping someone would at least remember to pick me up from work. Luckily, they did. I'll probably be without transport on/off for about 4 to 6 weeks now.

He even made the news. So if anyone heard about two lanes being closed for a motorbike accident on the traffic report this morning, that was him. Twpsyn. The fire brigade was out and everything. Big to-do. I think its kind of ironic seeing as, all things considered, it wasn't that bad a crash. Well, it doesn't look that bad, I mean no one was too badly hurt and the only thing that suffered other than the bike is a bumper - he dropped it and slid it underneath the car when he saw contact was unavoidable. He knows what he's doing - if it was me I'd just have allowed contact and we'd be hunting for my teeth in the bushes. It just freaked a lot of people out by the sound of things. Bike's completely ruined. I had it picked up and took dad to the service shop during my lunch break. I asked the guy if it could be fixed and he went "Uh, no." For some reason, I found his expression quite amusing. Anyway, it's sad to see it in that state. Bits and pieces everywhere. It was in such great condition too. Nothing to be done for it though, so I suppose we'll get the same one again once the insurance gets sorted. I think mum is about ready to do her nut. Well, if she wasn't worried about the sod, she might be. Everything is ruined - helmet, gloves, leather jacket, boots. I think it's damned lucky he was wearing the full kit. In summer he just rides around in a t-shirt, he wouldn't have had any skin left. Gross. Anyway, thousands of dollars' worth of damage. Of course it happens on the day the Antichrist has gone in for its service and they screwed up, leaving mum without a courtesy car. I've been calling people, yelling at people, and driving up and down like a mad woman until I eventually just relinquished Jack into his dubious care. All the while still working 8 hours. Save me, jeebus!

Maybe the universe thought I needed a little which I say, fuck you universe. There was nothing fluffy or escapist about last week. It instilled the same disgust of general humanity that the everyday usually does. The LAST thing I need is a reality check. Bah. It's going to be a nightmare living with him in this state, he's already moaning and groaning at every opportunity. And lecturing me on my driving. The cheek! Honestly.

But I digress.

I've uploaded some of my Ianto playlist rejects, so you can now download those too if you step this way. This zip contains:

> Early sunsets over Monroeville - My Chemical Romance
> Sleep alone - Bat For Lashes
> Great Expectations - The Gaslight Anthem
> The world has its shine - Cobra Starhip
> The wind blows - All American Rejects
> Almost lover - A Fine Frenzy
> Resounding - Say Anything
> Don't let me die still wondering - Flogging Molly
> Never is a promise - Fiona Apple
> While you wait for the others - Grizzly Bear
> Where have you been? - Manchester Orchestra
> Time Flies - Lykke Li
> Good love - Bat For Lashes
> I've got a witch mad at me... - Forgive Durden
> Demolition lovers - My Chemical Romance
> I've been right all along - Armor for Sleep
> Brothers on a hotel bed - Death Cab For Cutie
> Daniel - Bat For Lashes

[Obligatory disclaimer: Please note all downloads are for promotional purposes only, and should be deleted after 24 hours.]

Music: Siren song - Bat For Lashes
Mood: Pessimistic
[Ah foreshadowing, I hate you.]

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Every inch of me is bruised

I've spent the entire day holed up back here in my little corner of the house, minding my own business, and I have to say I feel a lot better about the state of things. I might go so far as to say I may even approve. Apparantly RTD has officially moved to the US, and that sits well with me too. I can let all this go, appreciate it for the brilliant, heartbreaking, risky television it was, provided I never have to deal with Torchwood Cardiff again. The chapter is closed. That said, I've heard rumours being flung around about a US Torchwood for months now, and I'm thinking that's something I could accept. If it's original (not a stupid version of the old one, which they inevitably always ruin, like Life on Mars) and Jack's in it. I won't watch Torchwood without Jack. It'll be like starting over. Not replacing, but turning over a new leaf, so to speak. Despite everything, Jack's still one of my favourite fictional creations (and I'm really appreciating his immortal qualities more than ever). So yes.

Anyway, here's my playlist. You can download it if you wish - Ianto Lives. It consists of the following:

> Dusk & Summer - Dashboard Confessional
She said "No one is alone, the way you are alone"
And you held her looser than you would have if you ever could have known
> Easy, Lucky, Free - Bright Eyes
> Doomsday and the echo - Lovedrug
> Gorecki - Lamb
> Love you till the end - The Pogues
> 21 Guns - Green Day
> Just say you're not that into it - Mayday Parade
> You must be willing - Against Me!
> Common Reactor - Silversun Pickups
> I can barely breathe - Manchester Orchestra
And then I saw your face
You're turning skin into a dirty secret
I watched the beauties, watched the fire
And the fire burn the beauty in their eyes
When I took the blame
We layed in ruins trying to quote your phrase
We're yelling, "someone's got the answers,
But I'd rather think there's nothing to be found"
If you knew I was dying would it change you?
So when you see me falling backwards down the wall that says I'm still alive,
Don't be cautious when I'm cautiously approaching on the other side
Everybody has their reasons, that's the reason we're all going to die
Because if seeing is believing,
Then believe that we have lost our eyes
> I promise you walls - Shiny Toy Guns
> Sad Eyes - Bat For Lashes
> Passenger Seat - Death Cab For Cutie
> Paint the Silence - South
> Ghost of you - My Chemical Romance
> Miserable Visu (Exo Malo Bonum) – Anberlin
> Everything we had - The Academy Is...
> Heaven Help Us - My Chemical Romance
> Transatlanticism - Death Cab For Cutie
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing floodlands to your door
Have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before

Also, as a side note – I dedicate ‘Handcuffs’ by Brand New to Jack. I've included ‘Sleep’ by My Chemical Romance for him too.

Some say, now suffer all the children,
And walk away a savior,
Or a madman and polluted
From gutter institutions.
Don't you breathe for me,
Undeserving of your sympathy,
Cause there ain't no way that I'm sorry for what I did...
...cause there ain't no way that I'm coming back again

Of course there were tons of others, I feel like mentioning some of the rejects even though they aren't in the zip:
> Early sunsets over Monroeville - My Chemical Romance
> Great Expectations - The Gaslight Anthem
> The world has its shine - Cobra Starhip
> The wind blows - All American Rejects
> Almost lover - A Fine Frenzy
> Resounding - Say Anything
> Don't let me die still wondering - Flogging Molly
> Never is a promise - Fiona Apple
> While you wait for the others - Grizzly Bear
> Where have you been? - Manchester Orchestra
> Time Flies - Lykke Li
> Good love - Bat For Lashes
> Demolition lovers - My Chemical Romance
> I've been right all along - Armor for Sleep
> Brothers on a hotel bed - Death Cab For Cutie
[Edit: See this post for a dowload link for these]

Now we carry on.

captain jack,torchwood,children of earth
--Because Abs put the song in my head :P

[Obligatory disclaimer: Please note all downloads are for promotional purposes only, and should be deleted after 24 hours.]

Music: Bruised - Jack's Mannequin
Mood: Peaceful

lechyd da, Ianto Jones

There is nothing, as lucky, as easy, or free.

I feel slightly saner today. I have broken blood vessels under my eyes though, not surprising after all the crying. I have powered through 5 stages of grief in two days you know, it’s no wonder I’m exhausted. Epic. Sigh. I think given time to get used to this, I’ll be able to get over it and watch things again with nostalgia of the past. Like reading ‘The Prisoner of Azkaban’ and reminiscing about how it felt to think Sirius would be free for a few glorious pages. CoE I’m not so sure of. Up to episode 2 sure, it was beautifully balanced and had some humour still, but after that it's an emotional death match…I mean this show was my crack fandom. It might have been seen as silly and cheesy, but that was part of the charm really. I adored it so, so much. It made me happy. Because it was flawed, gritty and sometimes deranged. There was something real in it, something that just connected with me. Sigh. But still, I’ve ordered the DVDs and will be watching them with my friends, provided one of them holds my hand while I no doubt cry pathetically. Again. I think that’ll always be a tear-jerker for me. It’s just so, so beautifully done and with my two favourite characters – just tears my heart out. And besides, I still tear up at the Romeo & Juliet death scene, and how many times have I seen that? Some things are bound to haunt you forever.

Anyway. I feel for Gareth. What exactly is he going to do now? He’s always been such a huge part of the fandom, partaking in all the conventions and what have you. In fact, he was the only one to make it to the Torchsong convention in one piece. People were kidding that it was cursed but knowing what we do now, maybe the universe was just a Ianto fan too and made with some mojo. [I’m not saying any of it was deserved (I’m not completely unhinged), I’m just kidding. And this is a science fiction fandom, I can believe whatever I want.] Also, they’ve been sitting on this for months so that must have hampered his job-seeking. This climate isn’t too great for that sort of thing as it is. The fandom’s really going to miss him. I read somewhere he’d love to do season 4…um yeah, but how? Torchwood: Beyond the Grave? Or perhaps something like in Stardust, with the dead princes hanging around! That would be hilarious!

See, I’m regaining my sense of humour on the matter. Clearly the healing has begun. I’ve also made t-shirts. That helps. Currently I’m compiling a playlist, which I shall post later – this is just how I do things.

Now, I think I may take Oreo for a contemplative stroll in the rain. With coffee, never forget the coffee.

These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume...

P.S. I think it's completely and utterly hilarious that there is a 'Save Ianto' group that is sending coffee to the BBC. I kid you not.

Music: Easy, lucky, free - Bright Eyes
Mood: Contemplative

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Day five

I feel ill. Seriously. And emotionally, I'm a wreck. I just...I don't know what to say. Torchwood: you didn't really need your heart, did you?

On the upside, at least he leaves at the end. When I had my Ianto death dream last month, that's exactly what happened. That gives me some vindication. It feels apt. If it was just a case of 'oh ok, the whole world's gone to hell but now we carry on' - like last time - I may have had to shoot someone. Oh Jack. He lost everything. I don't blame him for not wanting to stick around. It makes my heart ache even more. I hadn't realised that was possible, so there you go.

Let the record show that I've never cried so much over a television show, ever. Two nights! It's bloody insane.

Despite the extreme trauma, objectively I can recognise that it was brilliant television. The writing, production, acting - it's all been commendable. Surely the best damn thing that's been on tv in years - drama, suspense, edge of your seat viewing that was daring, jaw dropping, and gutwrenching. It pushed all the limits,and it was amazing.

But still...they didn't have to kill him. They really, truly didn't. And it's not even the fact that he died really, that was going to happen sooner rather than later, but the way he died. So unnecessarily, to no real point and purpose. I feel like I've been played for an emotional response. Which I give, wholeheartedly because I loved him, but I still feel fucked over.

Look I can't be eloquent about this at all. Let's be honest. And what I said in my earlier post about watching a new season? Yeah, somehow I don't think I can do that. I suppose I shouldn't say never. See how Jack goes first (and I must admit I'm kind of curious to see how damaged he turns up again in Doctor Who). But I truly hope I don't have to make that decision. I hope they don't do a new one. It's a fool's hope cause with ratings like this, I'm sure the BBC will be clamoring to get more and rumour has it RTD is keen to do more, but still. I just want to let it rest in peace.

In a way I feel hard done by. In another way it's probably a very apt way for things to have ended. If they have, and I really hope they have. I can see both sides of the argument. I can't see how I'm ever going to be able to watch any of it again though. Or any of my old dvds. It's been my lifesaver over the year, having a hard day and watching an episode of Doctor Who or Torchwood at the end. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang! All the time. Now the thought of Ianto being awkward in the office scene makes me feel violently ill. Then again, that'll probably pass. They took my fandom from me! Who knows. I think I need a stiff drink.

Music: The Ashes. And even that's mocking me by being in bloody Cardiff.
Mood: Distraught




Music: Easy, Lucky, Free - Bright Eyes
Mood: Sad

Nobody here can live forever

For a split second this morning, I woke up thinking last night had just been a horrible dream. But alas, no. I was thinking, you know, if an injury to one is an injury to all, well I suspect I may be dead. I know it’s completely ridiculous to be feeling this way but I can’t help it. It is what it is, and I’m doing my best to get over it.

Mum decided to take me out shopping at 9 this morning to get me out of the house and stop me wallowing in self-pity. We went from one end to the other, on every level of Eastgardens Westfields. She steered me away from the suit section in Myer and tried to distract me when I was staring rather glumly at a coffee machine. I really have to give kudos to my parents for being so wonderful to their nutcase daughter. Not only have they been very nice all week about letting me squee and fangirl and take over the entire house with my excitement, but last night they both really pulled through for me as well. Dad even rang from work to check if I was ok. Hugs have also been handed out all day for no apparent reason. If I’m standing still for more than two seconds looking into space, I get a hug. It means a lot to know they support me through this - a time when I am perhaps acting more deranged than I ever have before. I mean, Jesus he’s a fictional character. But hey, no matter how many times I say that to myself, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Sad but true. I’ve started mourning in the best way I know how. Of course I won’t stop watching the show; I’ll give the new season a chance. If they don’t do justice to his memory though, I shall be displeased. Very, very displeased. (Why won’t you fear my wrath?) I really am never getting this involved in a fandom again though, never again. Torchwood was the first and the last. Never. Again.

Anyway my retail therapy resulted in the acquisition of some lace-up Doc Marten-esque boots and a couple of t-shirts for printing purposes. I also tried on some really nice trenches. Still, 2.50 is too early to be home if you ask me. Gives me another 5 hours and 40 minutes to get this over and done with. I'm sure it's going to be brilliant, it's been amazing so far. Despite everything, it really has been the most brilliant television I've seen in a while. The production, the writing, the acting, it's been fantastic. It deserves the ratings it's been getting and I'm so proud to see a show everyone used to scoff at, get the attention it has. It's unfortunate that my heart had to be broken in the process, but hey. Oh, the melodrama!

UKTV are showing the other eps again before the final one tonight, I was going to make an afternoon of it, but I don't think I can manage that now.

Music: The quiet hum of the world passing by
Mood: Exhausted