Day five

I feel ill. Seriously. And emotionally, I'm a wreck. I just...I don't know what to say. Torchwood: you didn't really need your heart, did you?

On the upside, at least he leaves at the end. When I had my Ianto death dream last month, that's exactly what happened. That gives me some vindication. It feels apt. If it was just a case of 'oh ok, the whole world's gone to hell but now we carry on' - like last time - I may have had to shoot someone. Oh Jack. He lost everything. I don't blame him for not wanting to stick around. It makes my heart ache even more. I hadn't realised that was possible, so there you go.

Let the record show that I've never cried so much over a television show, ever. Two nights! It's bloody insane.

Despite the extreme trauma, objectively I can recognise that it was brilliant television. The writing, production, acting - it's all been commendable. Surely the best damn thing that's been on tv in years - drama, suspense, edge of your seat viewing that was daring, jaw dropping, and gutwrenching. It pushed all the limits,and it was amazing.

But still...they didn't have to kill him. They really, truly didn't. And it's not even the fact that he died really, that was going to happen sooner rather than later, but the way he died. So unnecessarily, to no real point and purpose. I feel like I've been played for an emotional response. Which I give, wholeheartedly because I loved him, but I still feel fucked over.

Look I can't be eloquent about this at all. Let's be honest. And what I said in my earlier post about watching a new season? Yeah, somehow I don't think I can do that. I suppose I shouldn't say never. See how Jack goes first (and I must admit I'm kind of curious to see how damaged he turns up again in Doctor Who). But I truly hope I don't have to make that decision. I hope they don't do a new one. It's a fool's hope cause with ratings like this, I'm sure the BBC will be clamoring to get more and rumour has it RTD is keen to do more, but still. I just want to let it rest in peace.

In a way I feel hard done by. In another way it's probably a very apt way for things to have ended. If they have, and I really hope they have. I can see both sides of the argument. I can't see how I'm ever going to be able to watch any of it again though. Or any of my old dvds. It's been my lifesaver over the year, having a hard day and watching an episode of Doctor Who or Torchwood at the end. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang! All the time. Now the thought of Ianto being awkward in the office scene makes me feel violently ill. Then again, that'll probably pass. They took my fandom from me! Who knows. I think I need a stiff drink.

Music: The Ashes. And even that's mocking me by being in bloody Cardiff.
Mood: Distraught