This just in: possible god complex now?

There is nothing more terrifying than getting in too deep. If the last month has taught me anything, it's that you're never quite safe from it. It creeps up on you, from unexpected places. It lulls you into a false sense of security, blinds you with glamour and with kind, soothing words, until you trust, you believe, you want and you need. Sometimes I wonder if these elements can actually exist without one another.

What struck me was how careful I've always been, how closely I've played my cards to my chest and yet this seemingly inconsequential thing could sneak past my barriers and break me. It was something I never saw coming, from an angle I never anticipated, but it goes to show you can't ever get too comfortable. I keep my distances for a reason. I don't trust and I don't love, because when I do, it's completely and unconditional. If I let you in, little by little, every square inch is a victory against myself, and once you're here, I will keep you forever. I would tear down the world for those I care about. It doesn't help that I have an overdeveloped conscience and a odd sense of morality that rears its head at inconventient times, but that is not pertinent to this reflection.

Every time that trust is betrayed, every time my faith proves to be unfounded, I draw back a little more, add another layer to my defences. So to me, it's quite strange to see peole be so open, so free and easy with their emotions. Quick to love, quick to get hurt. I worry about them, about how it'll all work out, because I've seen it before and I simply do not trust general humanity not to turn around and kick them when they are down. Half the time I can let it go, though it never sits quite right with me. I'm too removed to get involved, too removed to allow myself to care. I'm always on the fringes of conversation so I can just get a feel of the personalities and where they're going, where things are heading and how big the fallout will be.

Now, to round off what has to be one of the most draining months of my life, I feel it looming. But these are my friends. Everything's changed now. I'm invested, I'm commited and I will tear anyone limb from limb if they so much as dare to hurt them intentionally. And I fight dirty. My friends aren't this careful and calculating, they don't see the world in the same way I do and I'm thankful for that, but I can't just let it go. I may simply be overprotective, arrogant, or filled with a misplaced sense of duty and loyalty. Maybe I'm just seeing monsters where there are only shadows, but as far as I'm concerned someone has to. There's daggers in men's smiles. This feels like it's headed for distaster. I don't trust it. I won't let it break anyone if I can help it. I will do what I have to. So yeah, when I say I've got your back, I really mean it.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is also pretty much why Ianto Jones is, and always will be, the heart of Torchwood in my humble opinion. I too would have hidden a cyberman in the basement, I too would have been willing to trudge up to a nuclear powerplant despite imminent death, and I too would have had to resist the urge to kill anyone who'd hurt my friends. I would not however have agreed to threaten hostile aliens with bad PR, but I suppose everyone makes a bad call every now and then.

Music: In my place - Coldplay
Mood: Determined