The sweetest of words have the bitterest taste

There is love in our bodies and it holds us together
But pulls us apart when we're holding each other
We all want something to hold in the night
We don't care if it hurts or we're holding too tight

There is love in your body but you can't get it out
It gets stuck in your head, won't come out of your mouth
Sticks to your tongue and it shows on your face
That the sweetest of words have the bitterest taste

Darling heart, I loved you from the start
But you'll never know what a fool I've been
Darling heart, I loved you from the start
But that's no excuse for the state I'm in

Hold on to your heart
Cause I'm coming to take it
Hold on to your heart
Cause I'm coming to break it

Music: Hardest of hearts - Florence + The Machine

Just keep moving on

So I have been hanging out down by the train's depot. No, I don't ride.
I just sit and watch the people there. And they remind me of wind up cars in motion.
The way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.
And I want to scream out that it all is nonsense.
All your lives one track, can't you see it's pointless?
But then, my knees give under me. My head feels weak and
suddenly it is clear to see that it is not them but me, who has lost my self-identity.
As I hide behind these books I read, while scribbling my poetry,
like art could save a wretch like me, with some ideal ideology that no one can hope to achieve.
And I am never real; it is just a sketch of me.

Music: Waste of paint - Bright Eyes

I know I expect too much

My life is a Fall Out Boy song again, and all is well with the world.

And all the boys are smoking menthols
Girls are getting back rubs
I will drift to you if you if you make yourself shake fast enough
My old aches become new again
My old friends become exes again

Music: Where did the party go - Fall Out Boy

Like a barrel full of monkeys

I make some really questionable choices sometimes. Don't think I should really be trusted to be out and about among other humans.

We'd sell off these cheap thrills
And then head for the hills

Like a barrel full of monkeys
You are a fuck load of work
You can string me along
Make me laugh until my stomach caves in
Or the string breaks and I'm down for the count

It sure is nice to know you like me around

Music: Water towers on fire - The Heligoats

Your thoughts in the night

If you must wait,
Wait for them here in my arms as I shake.
If you must weep,
Do it right here in my bed as I sleep.
If you must mourn, my love,
Mourn with the moon and the stars up above.
If you must mourn,
Don't do it alone.
If you must leave,
Leave as though fire burns under your feet.
If you must speak,
Speak every word as though it were unique.
If you must die, sweetheart,
Die knowing your life was my life's best part.
If you must die,
Remember your life.

Music: You - Keaton Henson

Things we used to rely on

Blogging at work as I've already fallen back into my old habit of procrastination. Writing is such a strange thing to do for a job. For me it's always been arbitrary and I struggle having to do it because, well, I have to.

First week isn't going too horribly though. Panic is starting to set in over the sheer amount of work I'm going to have to get my head around very quickly. I don't even know where to start so I don't want to start at all. But if I have any hope of getting on top of things, I need to finish writing this intro and three interviews today, and then we can worry about this whole editor nonsense.

Can't believe I'm back to this. Everything feels weird. Twilight Zone-y. All the same, yet subtly different. Just enough to be unsettling. I am baffled by what a timid creature I was when I first started here, nearly three  years ago. And I'm absolutely refusing to become the run down, stressed out, desperately unhappy person I was when I left.

I don't know. Everything feels strange at the moment. Transitional period, I suppose. While I'm finding my feet on a professional level, I'm dissatisfied on a personal one where I'm still not entirely sure coming back was the right move for me. But that's life, I guess. What can you do.

In the meantime, I'll just listen to lots of loud music and get on with it.

Did you sleep last night and do you remember dreams?
Do I ever cross your mind and do you ever think of me?
When you think about your life are there things you would reverse?
I still remember holding you, just out of sight of her
In the deep, dark parking lot pressed up against my car
With your hands around my neck I felt the pounding of your heart
And the summer night was giving in to the lure of autumn’s sway
I can’t seem to forget that night or how I heard you say

That I’d just die if you ever took your love away
Oh and I'd just die if you ever took your love away
Would you miss me if I was gone and all the simple things were lost?
Would you ever wait on me to say
Oh that I’d just die if you ever took your love away

Music: Mulholland Drive - The Gaslight Anthem

From my heart to your distress

Here, in the dark, I cherish the moonlight
I'm in love with the way you're in love with the night
And it travels from heart, to limb, to pen

Music: Handwritten - The Gaslight Anthem

Sullen load is full

I tell my love to wreck it all
cut out all the ropes and let me fall
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
right in the moment this order’s tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
in the morning I’ll be with you
but it will be a different “kind”
I’ll be holding all the tickets
and you’ll be owning all the fines

now all your love is wasted?
then who the hell was I?
now I’m breaking at the britches
and at the end of all your lines
who will love you?
who will fight?
who will fall far behind?

Music: Skinny love - Bon Iver

Making promises you can't keep

Too much momentum
This room feels like it's going to explode
Too many angles
Too many factors to cover
Waiting for signal
Just searching for a network
You have to fight to stay in control of the situation

Music: Borne on the FM waves of the heart - Against Me! feat Tegan Quin

I'm in love with every actor

It doesn't matter if you want it back
You've given it away, you've given it away
It doesn't matter if you want it back
You've given it away, you've given it away
It doesn't matter if you want it back
You've given it away, you've given it away
It doesn't matter if you want it back
You've given it away, away, away, away, away

By AliceXZ

He's already on the outskirts,
I'm still pulling at his sweatshirt
He says "Fate is not a factor"
I will let you go if you would let some
I will let you go if you would let somebody
I will let you go if you would let somebody love you
I will let you go if you would let somebody love you like
I will let you go if you would let somebody love you like I do.
Like I do, like I do.

Music: Want it back - Amanda Plamer & The Grand Theft Orchestra
(The motioncap vid for this is pretty cool btw.)

Strike a Match

There's a lot that I don't know
There's a lot that I'm still learning
When I think I'm letting go
I find my body it's still burning

And you hold me down
And you got me living in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast

Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need light
I need light in the dark
As I search for the resolution

And the bars are finally closed
So I try living in the moment
For the moment it just froze
And I felt sick and so alone

I could hear the sound
Of your voice still ringing in my ear
I'm going underground
But you'll find me anywhere I fear

Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need light
I need light in the dark
 As I search for the resolution

Music: The resolution - Jack's Mannequin

Awash in thunder and venom

I know a place where the moon goes to fly,
I know that dreams swarm and sting as they die;
Let their corpses ride horses and stab through the sun
You loathe a life that you've barely begun to live


To live

Music: Burn a miracle - Say Anything

We never are what we intend, or invent

Oh, you guys, I am so tired. I feel like I have a terrible case of jet lag and it's entirely unfair since I don't have the thrill of new scenery to make it feel worth it. Two and half hours sleep. A for effort, self. But hey, the essay is mostly done. I say mostly because I gave it a cursory glance this morning and it's second half is lacking in substance. I need to flesh it out with another paragraph or two at least, and throwing a couple of more references in won't hurt. I also think I need to qualify why it predominantly focuses on one season (not because I happened to be watching said season at time of writing *cough*) and perhaps rethink the conclusion. Because I'm fairly sure it's the weakest conclusion I have ever written in the history of my life. But maybe that's just because I haven't actually stressed the thread of my argument consistently through my paragraphs...so I should probably do that too. And then just finalise the reference list.

So, yes. Mostly done. I have my laptop with me at work today so I'll finish it all off before 5pm. And then it's out of my hands. I can find a dark hole to curl into and weep, and then change my name.

Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold
Some die looking for a hand to hold

Well I carry this box to its proper place
And when I lower it down
I let you fade away
I know that you would do this for me
I'd serve you drugs on a silver plate
If I thought it would help you get away
I hope that you would do this for me

I stole bricks from the dam almost every day
Now I'm drowning in the flood I made
Well explain myself to me on the other side
I'm gonna want some answers when I die

Music: At the bottom - Brand New

Tired eyes

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt, we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in this moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
We suckled on the hope in lite brassieres
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind

And now all your love is wasted
And who the hell was I?
I'm breaking at the bridges
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

Music: Skinny love - Bon Iver

Lost in migraine country

To be lost in the forest, to be caught adrift
You've been trying to reach me, you bought me a book
To be lost in the forest, to be caught adrift
I've been paid, I've been paid

To be lost in the forest, to be caught adrift
You've been trying to reach me, you bought me a book
To be lost in the forest, to be caught adrift
I've been paid, I've been wait, I've been...

Don't get offended, if I seem absent minded
Just keep telling me facts, and keep making me smarter
And don't get offended, if I seem absent minded
I get tongue-tied

Baby, you've got to, be more discerning
I've never known, what's good for me
Baby, you've got, to be more demanding
I will be yours

I'll pay for you, anytime

And you told me you wanted, to eat up my sadness
Well jump on, enjoy, you can gorge away
You told me you wanted, to eat up my sadness
Jump right

Baby, you've got to be more discerning
I've known never known what's good for me
And baby, you've got to be more demanding
Jump left

What are you holding out for?
What's always in the way?
Why so damn absent-minded?
Why so scared of romance?

This modern love breaks me
This modern love wastes me

Do you wanna come over, and kill some time?
Throw your arms around me

Music: This modern love - Bloc Party

Bored now

I cut my teeth on the stone of a teenage romance
I was the salt of the earth, I was hard, and the last of the independents
And the breath from my chest I was blowing kerosene
My lips and fingertips were stone, I wore my heart on my jeans
I sang the blues like the dogs left too long in the street
I still sing the blues with the dogs

And I got half a mind to let it all burn up in this fire
That's been burning through my veins since I first learned to cry
I'd watch this whole night come down and never miss her again
I never felt right and never fit in
Walking in my own skin

Now I got scars like the number of stars, my mind's full of vipers
I got the dust of the desert in my bones, coming through the amplifiers
Between the minor chord fall and the fourth and the fifth
It's a broken Hallelujah and a pain in my fist
I wash my hands like the man with the blood on his teeth
Over and over without relief

And I got nothing for you darling but a story to tell
About the rain on the pavement and the sound as it fell
I'd watch this whole night come down and never miss her again
I never felt right and never fit in

Walking in my old man shoes, with my scientist heart
I got a fever and a beaker and a shot in the dark
I need a Cadillac ride, I need a soft summer night
Say a prayer for my soul, Señorita

Because I've been dying out here in the cold and the snow
I've got a picture of you mama, to remind me of home
On the hood of a Dodge on a Saturday night
Say a prayer for my soul, Señorita

Music: Wherefore art thou Elvis - The Gaslight Anthem

Stay in control

I am
messy hair
geeky t-shirts
cowboy boots (well, boots)
and military jackets

On occasion, I am also
finger-less gloves
scarves
and green eye make-up

I am reading
tons of ancient history books
and The Book Thief for uni

I am writing
only in my head and not on paper

I am listening
to this song on repeat today

No, it's not what we meant to say.
We don’t really love each other.
What happens when the summer’s over?
How long before distance becomes a chore?
I'm approaching with great, great trepidation.
I hope you’ll understand.

Before you speak, think about what you're trying to say.
Who else is there to blame for miscommunication?
You're getting caught up in the excitement.
You're making promises you can’t keep.
You need to leave all your options open.

Too much momentum.
This room feels like it's going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You're searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control of the situation.

Anxiety, anxiety you give me no mercy.
Grind my teeth smooth and flat in my sleep.
We took some pills to calm us down.
Then we needed help to come back up.
Just trying to stay in control of the situation.

Too much momentum.
This room feels like it's going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You're searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control of the situation.
They fall apart so easily.

Too much momentum.
This room feels like it's going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You're searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control,
You have to fight to stay in control,
No, you don’t have to fight to stay in control of the situation.

“I hope you’ll understand.”

Music: Borne on the FM waves of the heart - Against Me! (feat Tegan Quin)

Never going home again

Now that Mat Devine is on Broadway in the crazy Spider-Man musical, I worry that he will amass a whole bunch of new fans. You know what I mean - it's that awkward situation where you want people to appreciate and love the things you love because they deserve it, but you also don't want to share it with the rest of the world. I'm happy that he has the opportunity to do something like this but at the same time I want to bundle him up and yell "Fuck off, we had him first!"

Laaaame.

But for the record, we did have him first. Way back when - remember the ant post? Classic.

Anyway, this is all just a thought I had as I wandered around today, window shopping and generally slouching about where I shouldn't be, looking like some wayward member of Kill Hannah's touring party. It's the only thing I like about cooler weather - military jackets, scarves, hobo gloves. And boots. Never forget the boots.

That's pretty much all I had to say. It's Mardi Gras. Go out and party.

Still we sing with our heroes, 33 rounds per minute
We're never going home until the sun says we're finished
I'll love you forever if I ever love at all
With wild hearts, blue jeans, and white t-shirts

Music: Unwanted - Kill Hannah

Top 10: Favourite TAI Lyrics

On FB the other day, The Academy Is... asked what everyone’s favourite lyric from one of their songs were. Contemplating this, I realised I have a lot of favourite lyrics from TAI songs. So this week, keeping it short and sweet, 10 favourite lyrics...

You’re a stranger I know well, and not at all.

- The Test

You’re seldom known and barely missed.

- We’ve got a big mess on our hands

Always up or down, never down and out. Dream of demons while you sleep, they make you stutter when you speak.

- Down and out

So shut me up and bleed me dry, cheap champagne and complicated lifestyle.

- Chop chop

Every heart is like a house of cards when the walls cave down on you / Every heart is like a house on fire with escape routes in every room.

- Coppertone

Hold on, you haven’t heard the best yet, he writes good storylines, he’s got those honest eyes. So take him home for just 9.95, he’ll sing those songs you like, he’ll keep you warm at night.

- Classifieds

Let all your small steps expose your secrets, you don’t have to speak for me to believe it…Shaken and faint, you’ve got that feeling you’ve been followed under your skin, it will be weighing on your shoulders.

- Seed

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills, hey you, who are you kidding? I’m not like them, I won’t buy in.

- Slow down

Hold your head high heavy heart, so take a chance and make it big, cause it’s the last you’ll ever get. If we don’t take it, when will make it?

- The phrase that pays

So suck your so called pity down, hey that’s not so bad, is it? So take your cold, cold heart and drown, and don’t forget to take deep breaths.

- Checkmarks

Back down, cash out, that's the city for you. Break down, back out, get what's coming to you.

Music: Neighbours - The Academy Is...

Only for a second

I have no motivation. Gah. Currently writing about floods and engaged in another battle with ad rep. Email me back, you bastard! Also on the to do list today: get info about prizes for future competitions from companies. Sigh.

My eyes can't believe what they have seen.
In the corner of your room, you've stockpiled millions of my memories.
Oh doctor, doctor, I must have gotten sick somehow,
I'm going to ask you a series of questions,
And I want them answered on the spot, right now.
Is it serious?
I'm afraid it is.
Am I gonna die?
Well son, death is gonna catch up to all one day,
But yours is coming quicker than ours, than ours.

Some things I may have taken for granted, again and again,
Well here's what was said then,

Hold your head high heavy heart.
So take a chance and make it big,
Cause it's the last you'll ever get.
If we don't take it, when will we make it?
I make plans to break plans,
And I've been planning something big, planning something big, planning.

I've never tried to make the best of my time,
When I thought that I had plenty of it.
Is this serious?
I don't know what to think.
Is it all a lie?
Well, one thing is for sure
I'm taken back to the glory days
When we were kids without a brash or bitter thing to say.

Now my life is one big make it, or break it.

Hold your head high heavy heart
Save your strength for the morning after.
So take a chance and make it big,
Cause it's the last you'll ever get.
If we don't take it, when will we make it?
I make plans to break plans,
And I've been planning something big, planning something big.

Music: The phrase that pays - The Academy Is...