I've got troubled thoughts and a self esteem to match

A hypnic or hypnagogic jerk is an involuntary myoclonic twitch which occurs during hypnagogia, just as the subject is beginning to fall asleep. Physically, hypnic jerks resemble the "jump" made when a person is startled. Often accompanied by a falling sensation, it is commonly caused by irregular sleep schedules.

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Strange mood has taken me. In equal parts dissatisfaction, apprehension, restlessness and exhaustion. Slept badly last night - understatement. Wracked with nightmares that I can't remember - feelings of ill ease that lingered like ghosts on the periphery of my conciousness every time I woke up. I never have nightmares, not since the age of 9 at least (I had a recurring one at the time about snakes infesting the house). It's strange. I guess my sleep patterns are so irregular with the insomnia, my body always makes the most of whatever sleep it gets, so that hardly leaves time for my subconcious to get a run of things. It's quite unsettling. Then again it could always have been a fever, seeing as how I'm sick and all. The mysteries of the mind.

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Avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and avoidance of social interaction. People with AvPD often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing, and avoid social interaction...

Research suggests that people with AvPD, in common with social phobics, excessively monitor their own internal reactions when they are involved in social interaction. However, unlike social phobics they also excessively monitor the reactions of the people with whom they are interacting. The extreme tension created by this monitoring may account for the hesitant speech and taciturnity of many people with AvPD. They are so preoccupied with monitoring themselves and others that producing fluent speech is difficult. AvPD is reported to be especially prevalent in people with anxiety disorders...approximately 10–50% of the people who have a panic disorder with agoraphobia have APD, as well as about 20–40% of the people who have a social phobia (social anxiety disorder). Some studies report prevalence rates of up to 45% among the people with generalized anxiety disorder and up to 56% of the people with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

People with AvPD are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others. Symptoms include:
> Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection
> Self-imposed social isolation
> Extreme shyness in social situations, though feels a strong desire for close relationships
> Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
> Avoids interpersonal relationships
> Feelings of inadequacy
> Severe low self-esteem
> Self loathing
> Mistrust of others
> Extreme shyness/timidity
> Emotional distancing related to intimacy
> Highly self-conscious
> Self-critical about their problems relating to others
> Problems in occupational functioning
> Lonely self-perception
> Feeling inferior to others*

Patients are perfectionists and can reject those who do not live up to their standards.
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"Music is the only thing that makes sense anymore. Play it loud enough and it keeps the demons at bay."

At the end of the day, what are we if not a congregation of demons? We all have our problems, whether small or devastatingly huge, they're still there. They rage under the surface of emotions, coalescing with the core of humanity. Of what it means to be human, to be alive, to matter. Under desperate facades, isn't everyone just struggling with their own issues? Some of us spend obsessive amounts of time trying to identify exactly what it is that makes us so dysfunctional, but sometimes you have to stop and ask the question of what is actually dysfunctional? What is actually normal? Why do we bother to pretend that we are anything but flawed individuals in a world that doesn't actually exist the way we perceive it to? Perfection is nothing but a pipedream whispered in your ear at a young age through fairytales and wishful thinking until you start believing that is what it should be like. We struggle towards our illusions. It can't be anyone's fault either, really. It would be easy to blame society - romance films that make people think it should be that easy are responsible for the high divorce rate in modern times; violent video games are responsible for increased violence. Blah blah whatever. There's a lack of accountability, a lack of respect and understanding. Striving towards illusions of a society that's simply not there. Too many ideals to form into a cohesive whole. We're all stuck in the rut.

I came to the conclusion a few years ago that there had to be something wrong with me. Something that went along with my borderline obsessiveness and my actually diagnosed perfectionism. None of that makes me a product of society, but rather a product of my DNA. It's coded into the very fabric of my existence as it always has been, and always will be. And sometimes I can't relate to anything, I can't afford to allow myself that luxury because I feel everything so acutely that it threatens to overwhelm me and wash me away. I learnt early on to stamp on that element, along with stamping on the urge to be perfect, to have everything perfect, because it can't possibly exist. There's no such thing as perfection. And so, because of a kink in my very design, I essentially live everyday as a failure to myself. And that's fine you know. Whatever. A lot of people who know me don't even notice. I don't know any better, sometimes I don't even notice. Ups and downs and all that. All this is really just self exploration, diagnosis, whatever, looking for something that fits. It's that feeling of never quite fitting in, and wanting to know why. What gets me is the way I can't talk about it, that I can't have a fucking sign above my head that tells people all this, so I don't just come off as a cold hearted akward bitch most of the time. The fact remains though that there's a social stigma attacthed to this sort of thing - personality disorders, mental disorders, whatever, they all have this quality that is generally balked at. Yet I defy anyone out there to tell me they don't have issues of their own - aren't we all just disconent in our own ways? So sure, for some it's chemical, completely out of their control, and for others maybe it's pure dissatisfaction that comes from expectation. At one point or another though, surely we all feel the same thing or have felt the same things - we've all doubted, we've all loved, we've all been afraid. So why, by the very act of slapping a label on something, must there suddenly be a stigma attached to a person, as if they're the exception to the rule - altering the way they're perceived and allowed to interact with the world? This extends to everything really, anything that's marked and branded, whether religion or sexuality, whatever. Why can't it just be as simple as saying we're human, we're flawed, it doesn't matter? Who gets to decide what 'normal' is anyway?

Ok, I really didn't want to ramble on like this. I don't know where it came from. I guess I'm just tired. Really tired. And just...yeah. Like I said, I'm in a weird mood. Those nightmares must've really unsettled me I suppose. And I'm really starting to hate having to put myself in a little box.

Anyway, let's end on a classic "it's funny cause it's true!" note shall we?


Music: What a catch Donnie - Fall Out Boy
Mood: Thoughtful