A turning of the season

My head is a strange, strange place. Last night I had a dream R and I were tramping around Europe and we ran into Mat and Kill Hannah. They gave us a ride to Helsinki, where we ended up drinking absinthe in a very dark bar with Ville Valo. For some reason Ville needed someone to drive his Aston Martin (I don’t know) to his wife in Germany (I really don’t know, I don’t even know if he has a wife), so of course we volunteered. R recorded the entire journey and put it up on Facebook (dreaming about social media, lame). When we got there, Kill Hannah and HIM were playing a festival (why did we have to drive the car then?) and we got passes as thanks. 30 Seconds To Mars were also playing this festival and, in the end, we somehow ended up getting a tour of Portugal from Shannon and Jared.

So, according to my dreams, touring bands are the equivalent of the Doctor – just picking up random strays and taking them all over the place.

Would be pretty epic though, you'd save a lot on travel.

Anyway, 16 days till holiday! So much to do before then, but still. Yay! And I’ve got about 12 episodes of SPN season 5 left, so I should be able to finish it before I go and then angst over S6 – it only finishes airing in the US in May (R! Must watch S1 and 2 before that, yes? Yes. There’s the long weekend in June that I think has season 6 marathon written all over it.)

On the topic, I love this. The third frame - Cas' face! And Dean's all 'Note to self: Do not punch.'


Taken from here

 Oh Castiel, I've mentioned that I love you, right?

Music: Don't carry it all - The Decemberists

These aren't the droids you're looking for

This is the first night I've been home in four days. I have in fact been out virtually every day for the last two to three weeks. That has to be a new record for me. This socialness is a rather strange development but today I only left the house to get my hair done, and even then it was in a bit of a slothful haze. After all, it's not as if sitting in a salon for two hours is particularly taxing.

It has been fun though, all the socialness. Like I've mentioned before, I've seen a whole lot of M and R, which has just been fantastic. Although we continue to suck at actually watching the movies we intend to watch - marathons of television shows we manage to do without any drama, but movie marathons tend to go a bit awry unless we have a definite presence to direct us (aka Mon) so we managed about twenty minutes of Star Wars before we veered off into uncharted territories and watched Robin Hood: Men In Tights instead. We also watched Burn After Reading which is just completely underwhelming and bizarre. There was fine company however and rather delicious cake - all hail R, our new baker.

Meanwhile, I had the strangest dream last night and though I cannot remember the fine points, I seem to recall Starbucks, reuniting lost siblings, conspiracy and communion. Oh, and someone taping a large majority of this and pushing someone along on a gurney down the street in the middle of the night. Wtf brain, it sounds like an episode of Castle or something.

Now I better see if I can survive another chapter of Great Expectations, I have been neglecting Pip in favour of Sherlock Holmes.

Randomness of the day from here:

Music: Damn girl - The All American Rejects
Mood: Sleepy

Here follows nothing of consequence

I read this back before posting it and it's just a giant ramble of inconsequential nothing. Move along, nothing to see here.

***

One of the blogs I read did a VMA write up on the Kanye debacle, and there is the following comment - "This is why the taliban hates us!" For some inexplicable reason I found that utterly hilarious and am tempted to exclaim best. comment. ever. Even though, you know, it's not really funny. But hey, if the taliban does hate the US for Kanye, well I can't say I blame them. Perhaps that would be a better way to recruit people to their cause.

To weigh in on the debacle, just how is 'Single ladies (put a ring on it)' one of the best video of all time? How? It is nothing special, and besides, the song annoys me. I haven't seen Taylor Swift's video, so I suppose I can't really comment, but it can't be less impressive than 'Single ladies'. Surely. It's kind of funny that they're going on about it being the best video of all time when they were doing all those Michael Jackson tributes. Say what you want about Michael, his videos were amazing. I love a good theatrical video, it's why I like most of 30STM's videos too. Especially if Jared Leto is taking his shirt off...wait, what? Sigh. Such a waste, that one.

Of course some people want to make whole thing into a metaphorical race riot. FFS people, chillax. It's the MTV video music awards, it's hardly an Oscar. Besides, I can't even remember the last time I saw an actual video on MTV anyway.

When are we going to have the YouTube awards? Now that would be interesting. "And the award for most illegally recorded and watched Television Show goes to...." Just think of the categories - best animal related video, best idiotic stunt, the 5 minutes of fame award, the vlogger of the year, best comment, music video most removed by record company, video most replaced after removal by record company, best incident involving fire, best cartoon, best fan video, best recording of a live performance. Voted by the people, for the people! Your internet browser has spoken.

On this topic, saw the New Moon trailer, and while I concede it looks rather cool - the wolves, the Volturi, whatevs - it doesn't look like the acting has improved at all. Why do they have to stand around acting all intense and lacking facial expressions? Also, I really wish Edward wasn't so awkwardly stalkerish. I always pictured him as a perhaps serious but only because he's old fashioned guy with a sense of humour and certain spark for life. Movie Edward has none of that. They should take some lessons from True Blood who hit all the marks I fear they fail at.

Vampires led me to a blog post on hot vampires (which I fundamentally disagree with when it comes to Cedric, see: previous posts ad nauseum) and someone decreeing Lestat an ass and levelling much hate at him. Ok, so he is a bit of an ass, but he's also a fabulous character. I think those that don't know him past Interview with the Vampire really sell him short (I'm talking about the books btw, I haven't seen the other film(s?) after IWTV). I mean yes Louis is a tragic poetic soul, and I love him too, but Lestat has got so many layers he doesn't even know whether he's coming or going. He shifts between what he wants and what he believes, but he goes for it one hundred percent. Yes he's bad ass and vain and narcissistic, but that isn't all he is. It's fantastic, and to my mind, utterly believable. Plus he's completely fucked up, and sadly that is the way I prefer my characters. Point is, cut the guy some slack, if you can force yourself to get through 'The Vampire Lestat' so you can get on to 'Queen of the Damned', you'll see what I mean.

Anyway, who cares when you can get a Harry Potter wand as a remote control that works by recognising the flick of your wrist! Lookit! Haha epic nerd glee. Next stop - teleportation. Don't make me poke you with this newly acquired remote wand *narrows eyes*

Vampires, the supernatural...did I ever mention that I adored the end of Being Human? I was a bit iffy on it in the beginning but it really pulled together in the last three eps, of course it would only be 8 episodes long *rolls eyes*

As you can probably tell, I have nothing valuable to contribute. All the plans for the day were rescheduled and instead I spent most of the afternoon getting better acquainted with the Wii Fit again. Tomorrow, library. It seems to be the only place I am largely productive. We do what we must.

Had the most bizarre dream last night in which Larry from Numb3rs was proving a theory that I was much too busy with research to do homework. The professors he was pitching to were unimpressed and insisted I do said homework. But hey, at least Larry was on my side!

Music: Something - The Beatles
Mood: Faintly annoyed

I've got troubled thoughts and a self esteem to match

A hypnic or hypnagogic jerk is an involuntary myoclonic twitch which occurs during hypnagogia, just as the subject is beginning to fall asleep. Physically, hypnic jerks resemble the "jump" made when a person is startled. Often accompanied by a falling sensation, it is commonly caused by irregular sleep schedules.

--

Strange mood has taken me. In equal parts dissatisfaction, apprehension, restlessness and exhaustion. Slept badly last night - understatement. Wracked with nightmares that I can't remember - feelings of ill ease that lingered like ghosts on the periphery of my conciousness every time I woke up. I never have nightmares, not since the age of 9 at least (I had a recurring one at the time about snakes infesting the house). It's strange. I guess my sleep patterns are so irregular with the insomnia, my body always makes the most of whatever sleep it gets, so that hardly leaves time for my subconcious to get a run of things. It's quite unsettling. Then again it could always have been a fever, seeing as how I'm sick and all. The mysteries of the mind.

--

Avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and avoidance of social interaction. People with AvPD often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing, and avoid social interaction...

Research suggests that people with AvPD, in common with social phobics, excessively monitor their own internal reactions when they are involved in social interaction. However, unlike social phobics they also excessively monitor the reactions of the people with whom they are interacting. The extreme tension created by this monitoring may account for the hesitant speech and taciturnity of many people with AvPD. They are so preoccupied with monitoring themselves and others that producing fluent speech is difficult. AvPD is reported to be especially prevalent in people with anxiety disorders...approximately 10–50% of the people who have a panic disorder with agoraphobia have APD, as well as about 20–40% of the people who have a social phobia (social anxiety disorder). Some studies report prevalence rates of up to 45% among the people with generalized anxiety disorder and up to 56% of the people with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

People with AvPD are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others. Symptoms include:
> Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection
> Self-imposed social isolation
> Extreme shyness in social situations, though feels a strong desire for close relationships
> Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
> Avoids interpersonal relationships
> Feelings of inadequacy
> Severe low self-esteem
> Self loathing
> Mistrust of others
> Extreme shyness/timidity
> Emotional distancing related to intimacy
> Highly self-conscious
> Self-critical about their problems relating to others
> Problems in occupational functioning
> Lonely self-perception
> Feeling inferior to others*

Patients are perfectionists and can reject those who do not live up to their standards.
--

"Music is the only thing that makes sense anymore. Play it loud enough and it keeps the demons at bay."

At the end of the day, what are we if not a congregation of demons? We all have our problems, whether small or devastatingly huge, they're still there. They rage under the surface of emotions, coalescing with the core of humanity. Of what it means to be human, to be alive, to matter. Under desperate facades, isn't everyone just struggling with their own issues? Some of us spend obsessive amounts of time trying to identify exactly what it is that makes us so dysfunctional, but sometimes you have to stop and ask the question of what is actually dysfunctional? What is actually normal? Why do we bother to pretend that we are anything but flawed individuals in a world that doesn't actually exist the way we perceive it to? Perfection is nothing but a pipedream whispered in your ear at a young age through fairytales and wishful thinking until you start believing that is what it should be like. We struggle towards our illusions. It can't be anyone's fault either, really. It would be easy to blame society - romance films that make people think it should be that easy are responsible for the high divorce rate in modern times; violent video games are responsible for increased violence. Blah blah whatever. There's a lack of accountability, a lack of respect and understanding. Striving towards illusions of a society that's simply not there. Too many ideals to form into a cohesive whole. We're all stuck in the rut.

I came to the conclusion a few years ago that there had to be something wrong with me. Something that went along with my borderline obsessiveness and my actually diagnosed perfectionism. None of that makes me a product of society, but rather a product of my DNA. It's coded into the very fabric of my existence as it always has been, and always will be. And sometimes I can't relate to anything, I can't afford to allow myself that luxury because I feel everything so acutely that it threatens to overwhelm me and wash me away. I learnt early on to stamp on that element, along with stamping on the urge to be perfect, to have everything perfect, because it can't possibly exist. There's no such thing as perfection. And so, because of a kink in my very design, I essentially live everyday as a failure to myself. And that's fine you know. Whatever. A lot of people who know me don't even notice. I don't know any better, sometimes I don't even notice. Ups and downs and all that. All this is really just self exploration, diagnosis, whatever, looking for something that fits. It's that feeling of never quite fitting in, and wanting to know why. What gets me is the way I can't talk about it, that I can't have a fucking sign above my head that tells people all this, so I don't just come off as a cold hearted akward bitch most of the time. The fact remains though that there's a social stigma attacthed to this sort of thing - personality disorders, mental disorders, whatever, they all have this quality that is generally balked at. Yet I defy anyone out there to tell me they don't have issues of their own - aren't we all just disconent in our own ways? So sure, for some it's chemical, completely out of their control, and for others maybe it's pure dissatisfaction that comes from expectation. At one point or another though, surely we all feel the same thing or have felt the same things - we've all doubted, we've all loved, we've all been afraid. So why, by the very act of slapping a label on something, must there suddenly be a stigma attached to a person, as if they're the exception to the rule - altering the way they're perceived and allowed to interact with the world? This extends to everything really, anything that's marked and branded, whether religion or sexuality, whatever. Why can't it just be as simple as saying we're human, we're flawed, it doesn't matter? Who gets to decide what 'normal' is anyway?

Ok, I really didn't want to ramble on like this. I don't know where it came from. I guess I'm just tired. Really tired. And just...yeah. Like I said, I'm in a weird mood. Those nightmares must've really unsettled me I suppose. And I'm really starting to hate having to put myself in a little box.

Anyway, let's end on a classic "it's funny cause it's true!" note shall we?


Music: What a catch Donnie - Fall Out Boy
Mood: Thoughtful

Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal

Ross Noble on both Rove and Good News Week was an absolute riot. I may have cracked a rib from the sheer insanity of it all. The sausage roll story itself was pure gold - you can watch it here. If anyone is actually interested in the madness that was GNW this week, and yes it was even crazier than usual and includes gross misuse of a smoke machine and absolutely no political correctness to be found anywhere within a 30 mile radius, you can view that over here on their site. Gotta love technology.

I had such a strange day today - worst case of deja vu ever. The entire day felt like a repeat...and not just because of the mundane reality that is a full Monday at work. Everything I did, every little comment I made, or scribble I drew or site I covertly accessed on Jasper, felt like it had been done before. It was slightly disconcerting. Last night I also had a slew of crazy dreams, most memorable of them being one where a co-worker of my mother's was madly in love with her and I stood around finding it highly hilarious and/or messing around with it as I saw fit. I also had a dream that I had seen the first episode of Children of Earth somewhere between watching the double episodes of Numb3rs and NCIS (which I had actually watched before heading to bed) and was thus running around trying to find the rest of the series while also trying to convince everyone that I had in fact seen it. So somewhere in the night I watched a fictional episode of Torchwood (not unlike that time I dreamt up an entirely non-existent Aerosmith song). THIS IS HOW SAD MY LIFE HAS BECOME. The lot of a witless fangirl. Dear BBC, you have ruined my life.

I've been doing that a lot lately, haven't I? "Writing" these little letter type things. I have clearly regressed back to high school.

Suffice it so say, life is not very interesting right at this very moment. I think I have recovered from the madness of finishing two major assignments in a week after procrastinating spectuacularly, and so now it is time to shut the hell up and start work on my thesis. Damn it. I need to start researching things porperly. I also need to finish my creative thesis by the end of next month. Bah. Somewhere in this time I also need to go for my driver's license. I've been so lazy getting the full one that it's actually gotten to the point where it expires next month. Oops. I really don't feel like reading a boring book and traffic rules and regulations...can't I just get an SUV like everyone else?

Tomorrow, Em and Roze are coming over so we can finish Em's media project. We star in an eBay spoof-type ad-thing (technical term). It's highly embarrassing. And unscripted. There's a lot of giggling involved. Ah the things you do for your friends.

Oh, found out today that the lovely All American Rejects are gracing us with their presence at the end of August. I'm not quite sure why they're touring with Hoobastank, but heeeey, whatever. It's AAR, it'll be fun!

I leave you with the following - it is funny because it is true.


Music: 21 Guns - Green Day
Mood: Relaxed

Put your faith in a miracle

The problem with only sleeping three or four hours a night is you tend not to settle into a really deep sleep and so sometimes you have really retarded dreams. Last night I had an especially horrifying one in which Our Fictional Welsh Boyfriend kicked the proverbial bucket and all hell
broke loose. It was intense and depressing. Jack finally washes his hands of the human race, stepping into the TARDIS even as Gwen stands there pleading. You can't just leave, we need you. Are you just going to let us all die? The response being a broken you're going to die anyway, I'd rather not be around to see it. Off he goes, having saved the world for the last time. When I woke up this morning I felt as if the world had actually ended. Woe. Clearly my subconcious has a one track mind. Why can't you do uni work in that time, you useless thing? Bah. Proof that every part of me is actually unproductive.

On the other hand, a human being will inhale a disturbing huge amount of bugs in their sleep during their lifetime. So disturbing an amount that I've forgotten what it is. That completely grosses me out. Considering the merits of sleeping with a mask on...

--
From Jasper, with love.
[[Power and speed and death rolled into one]]

Stars shining bright above you

There is music, and dancing, and laughing. Old friends mingle and others pretend to still have things in common. She's wearing that dress and acting nonchalant. The room is crowded but as she tips her head back and laughs, there's only this. You cross the room, she smiles as she welcomes you back into the circle of friends, but you don't notice. Instead, you take her glass and set it aside, taking her arm and leading her onto the dancefloor. A smooth, smoky voice starts up as you draw her close. Slowdancing, you cannot resist. You sing the words softly in her ear, breath ghosting across her cheek, both of you barely moving. There is laughing, and music, and dancing, and then there is this.

This is going to sound really random but I feel the need to say it. I am not a huge From First To Last fan, but for some reason I am always taken by 'Ride the wings of pestilence'. I just think it is a fantastic hardcore-ish song. It's got such an omnious feel to it and that bassline. I mean it's quite a disgusting song, but I don't know, something about it just appeals to me.

Sticking to the random tangents, here is another one of my impromptu Torchwood rambles. Today's topic, the subtle character placement in season 2. And by character, I mean Ianto of course. Look, it's not my fault he is so fantastic in season 2, now is it? Anyway, I just noticed it the other day watching 'A Day in the Death' and he's just...there. Overall, his physical presence is greatly pronounced in the second season. The subtlety with which the placement mirrors or supports Jack in most scenes is just dumbfounding. This is why I can't work in the whole screenwriting universe, all these tiny details that someone has clearly sat around and figured out, all of which is meant to add to the story visually (cause damn that infernal screenwriting and it's lack of rambling narrative, show dont tell *shakes fist*), is just something I'd completely overlook. Most of the time I am convinced of the dubious legitimacy of the show in general, but then there are these subtle things, production or whatever, that just completely blow me away.

My dad is watching Top Gear. I fear a pattern is emerging. Also, that show is nothing like I expected it to be....it's kinda insane.

Tomorrow is my last working day until the 5th of January. Woooh! Well, in principle it's "wooh!" I still have a bazillion errands to run tomorrow and packing to finish. Gah. I have no idea what to wear for the flight. I am perplexed by managing the weather shift. Also, I just realised how epically long this flight actually is. Nine hours to Singapore. Something like 12 from there to London. Three hour layover. Zombie like state seemingly inevitable. BUT business class. Hopefully *crosses fingers* Maaaan, business class, it's been far, far, faaaaar too long. And it's snowing in London. I feel woefully underprepared. I am going to die. If I don't come back, please avenege my death. Then again, it's not exactly been warm here either.

My Firefly watching is not going too well, only six episodes in. Dry humour is the damn best though. Wash and Jayne are just...gah.
Jayne: We was just about to spring into action, Captain. Complicated escape and rescue op.
Wash: I was going to watch. It was very exciting.
As they would say, shiny. Doubt I'll finish it by tomorrow though.

I saw a quote today - "lust is negligible when absent." It struck me. Apparantly it's from Maurice by EM Foster, which of course I haven't read.

I should be doing things. Sigh.

Stars fading, but I linger on, dear.
Still craving your kiss, I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear.
Just saying this: Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you.
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you.
But in your dreams whatever they be, dream a little dream of me.

Music: Dream a little dream - Ella Fitzgerald
Mood: Weird

Eyes for striking

I shouldn't be blogging. Really. I only woke up an hour and fifteen minutes ago. Nothing has happened to warrant a blog. I don't even have anything to ramble about in that nonsensical way I do...and yet, here I am. Because I am BORED. Work is boring. Completely and utterly boring. How did I ever live without Jasper to distract me? And of course, Abbi's gone away so there's no one on MSN, she usually makes time go faster. Everyone else is at work/uni. I didn't even bring a book to read under the desk in the sneaky way I have perfected. Mostly because the book I'm reading is too big to pull this off effectively...The Dresden Files books on the other hand are the perfect size, so that's why I got through them so quickly.

Epic. Sigh.

I hate being bored. It's moments like these I really start feeling like I'm losing my grip on sanity.

To add to this wonderfully exciting start to the day, I woke up with a sore throat of unswallowable proportions (I am a writing student, I'm allowed to make up words). This is extra annoying cause I was feeling so good yesterday. Why can't I just be happy and healthy for a bit? I blame the green guy from yesterday. I've started taking cold tablets just in case - he was really sick and I don't need that, thanks.

I wanted to finish episode 5 of Amped last night but I didn't. I'm finding it really hard to write actually...just coming up with bits. It's strange, I thought it would be a lot easier at this point.

Most of my uni work is done. I just need to workshop and "re-draft" so that they think I listen to what they're saying. The only real thing I have to do is my Honours proposal. That's a whole bundle of laughs, that is.

Judging by the dreams I had last night, my subconcious has taken a dodgy turn for the worst. I now also have the All American Rejects song 'Dance Inside' stuck in my head, and you know that's quite a dodgy song. Catchy as hell tho.

You know what, I can ramble like it's nobody's business...

And I'll be fine, you'll be fine
Is this fine? I'm not fine
Give me pieces, give me things to stay awake

Music: Dance Inside - the voices in my head
Mood: Distracted