Gin+Kerosene

I can't sleep, so I'm rambling.

You know I started crying the minute he collapsed. It was all just so fucking pointless that it hurt so much more, I mean we all knew it would happen eventually, but my brain kept saying "no, not like this, not like this!" My mum put her arm around me and I just lost it, I sobbed like a child. I cried so hard in fact that I barely heard anything after Jack's 'Don't'

I just...I've never reacted like this before. I got teary eyed when Boromir died, when Frodo sailed off to Valinor. When Haldir fell at the battle of Helms Deep - cause I so didn't expect that and the elves arriving have always given me goosebumps. When Sirius, Dumbledore, and Fred died. Dobby! I was upset about Snape too...but all of these, they seemed to serve a purpose. What did Ianto's death achieve? Where was the point in that, the worst plan possibly ever? I cried into my mum's shoulder right until the end, and a good 5 minutes after (I gripped her arm so tight, I think I left marks). Then I sat up and checked in with my friends, tears still streaming down my face.

Never in my life have I felt like *this* over a fictional character. And yes I KNOW it's fiction, and I know I'm being completely irrational and mad to react this way. But these characters are important to me. They become part of our lives. We become invested in them. Fiction is my
*life*. It's been there for me through all the bad times, and it'll be a part of me forever. And yes ok, it's not real, but I FEEL it. I'm invested, I love them like they are. That's what good writing's all about. To make you care. Ianto became my favourite character so suddenly and quietly, it took me by surprise at first. But I could relate to him. And he had such depth. He was witty and amazing and yes, I loved him. As honestly and deeply as you can love a fictional character. Everyone who knows me knows that. Just look at this blog layout! Now he's gone. It's a seperation that feels just as real as any real loss. Last time I was this upset was when my dog died (actually I think I'm kinda more upset now, cause I'd already said goodbye to my dog and he was very old). This was so...futile. And Jack! They were my OTP. I only admitted that last
week! Now it's gone! I don't think I can go on after this. I love Jack, I honestly do, he's been one of my favourite fictional creations since I first laid eyes on him. But I can't deal with this. I can't.

At least after The Deathly Hallows, after everyone was dead (and I was way too shellshocked after such a huge body count to get into the state I'm in now, but I was still upset I assure you!), that was the end. We had to let go. The story was done and we felt our losses deeply, but the
war was over and it was time to move forward. So, after all the excitement and glee for this series, I'm left battered and bruised, and kinda hoping they don't do a season 4. I can't replace him, I can't see someone else with Gwen and Jack. I just...I can't. Maybe I'll feel different in time, but I don't think so. Lizzie still mourns Sirius deeply, so I see this as my fate.

So here's to Ianto Jones, everyone's favourite fictional Welsh boyfriend. They made you break my heart, you silly bastard. May you have a happy ending in an alternate universe somewhere. I'll never replace you in this one.

Conclusion, I am *never* getting this involved with another character again. Never! It'll kill me.

--
From Jasper, with love.
[[Power and speed and death rolled into one]]