Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Forever is our today

In one of my token slips into my bubble where I just assume everyone knows what I'm talking about, I made a bit of a twat of myself as I got into the lift after class today. The lifts have just recently been upgraded so we're all still getting used to their eccentricities. This one happened to dip a little, say something, and then the doors closed really quickly. I then, without even thinking, promptly quipped "Watch out for the disinfectant!" Cue confused looks from everyone else. All I can say is you all live empty lives without the Doctor in it. So neugh. Although I'm glad I didn't pull out the Torchwood quote when it said "Going down". That would probably just have disturbed them.

Speaking of TW, a promo for Season 3 aired on UKTV today, hee! Things are...very...slowly... progressing. It kind of reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Homer tries to find his soulmate and is told to follow the turtle. When he impatiently kicks it, the turtle constructs this massive pyramid for him to climb -"this is because I kicked you, isn't it?" I feel all my internal arm waving and hurry up whining could no doubt result in something similar.
"You want it? Come and claim it...over the next five weeks, while you're at work...."
"This is because I rushed you, isn't it?"
*vigorous nodding*

In general, class was ok. If you ignore the bit where I couldn't string a single sentence together. I think I can cobble a decent assignment together from ideas we've discussed and I virtually have free reign to do it within the next two weeks, which isn't bad really. I just hope it isn't a complete disaster, so my tutor doesn't kill me...very slowly.

Of course I really should get started on the creative piece. And I should think of something to discuss with my supervisor. Don't know what really since we aren't allowed to do any work on the actual thesis. Ugh. Will think of something no doubt.

Work was an absolute nightmare. We were so busy that at one point I ran out of chairs. It was pretty much how I expected yesterday to be. There was so much paperwork to get through as well. Four stacks of mail, cheques to be processed, bills to be paid. Almost makes you think it's not worth going on holiday.

We also did not get the huge house I mentioned previously. I suppose this is only fair. It really would have been too big for the three of us, I can see us losing each other in it. Which is kind of what we want since there can never be too much space in this family, but hey, whatever. However, we did get the one in Menai. Next Tuesday the epic headache that is the decorating and moving will no doubt begin. On the upside, I get to paint. Yes, no more of this beige and off white atrocities sucking my will to live. I also still get two rooms for my own devices. I've decided to colourwash my room red (I have just bought these damned sheets, no way in hell am I changing colour schemes), while the study will be something bright and silly. Light green walls and purple finishings. Something like that. Mind you, I haven't actually seen this house, so I have no idea how it'll all work out. I can only really start decorating when I have some mental picture of the place.

Numerous trips to Bunnings and IKEA lie in my future. My two favourite places *cough*

I finished my Milan Kunderra book today, so I think I'm entitled to return to some Brideshead...and a warm bed.

Hmm. This song always sort of depresses me. Thanks Freddie.


Music: Who wants to live forever - Queen
Mood: Cold

Mixtape April 09

Oh I do love my gimmicks, don't I? Anyway, taken up Abbi's challenge. Here be my list of songs that I've been playing over and over in the last month:

Envy On The Coast, If God Smokes Cheap Cigars - It took up residence in my head and refused to move. It just ropes me in, this one. I can't say I object.

Say Anything, Admit it!!! - This song keeps me from going on some sort of ill-advised rampage during many uni classes. The ultimate rant song. It restores a semblance of calm to my academic undertakings.

Brand New, (Fork and Knife) - I find any mixtape requires at least one Brand New song. This one has a very different vibe, the piano brings something different to the band's usual style but the imagery verges on the same territory.

The Beatles, I've just seen a face - Always gets stuck in my head, new found appreciation thanks to Across the Universe. One of those that always makes me smile.

Queen, Killer Queen - I'm going throught a phase where I randomly find myself singing this. Which happens sometimes for no apparant reason. It's good fun though. "Caviar and cigarettes Well versed in etiquette Extraordinarily nice."

Flo Rida, Low - Just can't seem to get rid of this one. Not helped by the fact that it can be applied to virtually anything. Everything goes well with the furrrrr.

Forgive Durden, Doctor Doctor - Aaaaah. I really wish I could see Razia's Shadow as an actual stage musical. It's completely mad, just imagine.

Fall Out Boy, 20 Dollar Nose Bleed - Because *someone* generated a genius playlist with this and it has subsequently been on rotation.

The Academy Is, Coppertone - Watch me pathetically pretend it's summer for just a little bit longer. "These are the trails of our youth."

Taking Back Sunday, New Again - This just makes the list as it's been playing in the last few days while I still try to figure out what I make of it.

Kevin Rudolf, Let It Rock - I don't know why I'm so attatched to this song, but I play it quite obsessively. I think it's finally beginning to dissapte now though, thankfully.

Natalie Merchant, My Skin - Yeah...*shrugs*

Jack's Mannequin, Holiday From Real - This kind of ties in with the TAI one, it recalls that kind of 'let's drive to the beach, singing along, and not do anything' feeling.

New Order, 60 Miles An Hour - This song comes and goes quite a bit, I'll often hear it on the radio or in the background of a tv show or something and then I have to listen to it. It sticks around for a while then fades away again. When will it re-emerge? It is a mystery.

Supertramp, Breakfast in America - Again, I have no choice but to blame classic rock stations for putting songs into my head. I still can't believe people didn't know this song was sampled in 'Cupid's Chokehold'. And no, being young is no excuse. Music 101 should start at an early age.

Britney Spears, Womanizer - Hey, it's not Taylor Swift.

So, yes. That's all that strikes me at the moment.

Music: Womanizer - Britney Spears
Mood: Lazy

Monday, April 27, 2009

All the better to hold you down

Gaaaah. Winter has reared it's ugly head meaning I was frozen in bed this morning, too petrified to poke a toe out lest it fall off. Sigh. I'm wrapped in a blanket. At least it's stopped raining.

The weekend was quite eventful. Roze and I headed out to Penrith for Lizzie's 21st dinner on Saturday. Lizzie's mum set us up with drinks when we got there before we headed off to the very nice restaurant to meet up with the other guests. I convinced Roze she wanted to share a bottle of Pinot Grigio with me but this turned out to be rather pointless. Consequently, I ended up drinking most of it. I don't think anyone else was really drinking, save the three of us, so I'm wondering how exactly this must have looked. Oh well, what's a fancy dinner without it? There was the most ferocious wind during the night, to the point where I thought we had accidentally teleported into the Wizard of Oz. I was convinced I would find my car on its side in the morning. We had to head off early the next day as Roze had work and I was supposed to do my uni work. Some reading did occur but my mum has passed on her delightful bug, so I was feeling less than amused with the world. Absolutely exhasuted. Swine flu anyone?

I schlepped off to work this morning. It was surprisingly not as chaotic as I expected it to be. The EFTPOS machine wasn't working but it wasn't too big of an issue. We got it replaced at lunch, and after it still didn't work, I had to ring the bank and have it reset, but in the end it all panned out. During lunch I had mum pick me up on her way to an open house two suburbs over. I'm kind of hoping we get this one, even though it will be a pain to get to work (I'd be going with traffic, not against it like I currently am), but the house is quite big. Possibly too big for the three of us. It's got a very sparse, clinical feel to it, but you can add feeling to things later. I would continually be falling over though, my clumsiness and tiles don't really get along. I'm slightly concerned as to why the rent is what it is, smaller houses in worse conditions are more than this one...are there bodies in the basement or something? Anyway, apparantly we'll be hearing about this one, as well as another one in Menai, tomorrow.

I headed back to work to collect my car to find a very sad looking delivery guy standing in front of the door. He was there to drop off our vaccines but thought he was going to ahve to come back as the surgery was closed. I took pity on him and signed for it anyway, worrying the whole time I wouldn't be able to keep it cool enough until the surgery re-opened. All's well that end's well, as they say.

Tomorrow I make my spectular return to uni, in the epic fail style I am so adept at. I still have nothing on this damned essay. Jesus. I wish I didn't have to go, but I suspect they might kill me. Blah.

I'm going to do some readings now, hopefully that'll tie me over. First I'm going to get into proper winter pjs and burrow into bed though.

In unrelated musings, I'm not sure what to make of the new TBS song just yet.

Also, Peggle has finally found its way onto Beckettoo.


Music: New Again - Taking Back Sunday
Mood: Lethargic

Friday, April 24, 2009

Restitch my ripped jeans

So, I dropped Abbi at the airport this morning. I feel appropriately deflated, even getting my hair done didn't really cheer me up. I can't really explain the way our relationship works to anyone, it just is what it is...besides I had to watch Gossip Girl all by myself! It's just not fair.

Yet again I vote for the advancement of teleportation. Honestly people, shake a leg.

What has transpired over the last twenty four hours? A bit of a drive out to La Perouse for lunch, followed by a prolonged spot of being stuck in traffic. Bearable thanks to loudly singing along to From Under The Cork Tree. Stopped by an open house that looked like the Rift had chewed it up and spit it out again, only after having snatched it from a decaying Life on Mars set. Not much fun. Dinner with parents at the Lowenbrau as planned, which was pleasant. Topped off with Baskins & Robbins. I think my sweet tooth has made it seem like Sydney is a city built on confectionery...but hey, when the opportunity presents itself, why deny it? Hm. That attitude will no doubt get me into trouble.

The parentals have seen a couple of other houses today, one they're quite keen on. I'm now being dragged out to another one. Joy.

Barring any last minute delays, Torchwood: Children of Earth launches here in the UK on BBC One on June 15 and runs through that week, ending June 19th.
No telling when it'd air here, but it's a start. Who knows, my sanity might make it after all! No...wait. It's just speculation. But sound speculation. I'm willing to cling to it....cling to it!

On a completely different note, I think it's about time we started saying what we actually mean. I've always been a pretty straight forward person but today I was wondering how often we end up doing stuff we actually don't want to simply because we think someone else might appreciate it, when in fact that person really would rather not have done it either but thought you were into it and so didn't say anything? If you can understand that convulated reasoning. I mean it's fine dragging yourself off to do something when you know the other person really wants to, and sometimes you even end up having a great time, but if there really is no driving force on either side, perhaps its better to just say so and leave it at that as opposed to going through with it and everyone having a mediocre time.

Just saying.

I'm selfish as selfish comes, you're giving me a run for my money, honey.

I have done something to my hand, it's all swollen around the thumb and getting worse. Sigh.

Ugh. I've had to erase and sync Beckettoo and it's going to take foreverrrrr. I've downloaded Peggle for him...

It's quite cold atm in a number of ways.

Music: Teasing to please - Cute Is What We Aim For
Mood: Bored

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Let me play among the stars

The last few days have been interesting.

Last night I fucked up the booking for the pub tour by getting the times wrong (I was an hour behind) but as we were already dressed up, we went out anyway. The night kicked off with cocktails at Jacksons before heading to Amo Roma at the Rocks for dinner. Fabulous as always. Abbi and I also found some entertainment in the couple next to us – a British man with a rather scared looking Asian girl who didn’t speak very much English – and it was great fun to sit and gossip in Afrikaans. Second languages FTW. After finishing off our bottle of Pinot Grigio and a divine chocolate mud cake, we decided the night was still young, so up George street we went, back to the Three Wise Monkeys. The band playing last week was so much better, but we were thoroughly entertained by an enthusiastic blacksmith who took a shine to Abbi and his friend. We learned a lot about the finer details of being a blacksmith, a trade I though was dead in this day and age. See, again, every day you learn something new. They were there with a Russian girl originally but sometime during the night she seemed to drift off, leaving just us. Blacksmith guy had a very *cough* interesting dancing technique…Abs has already discussed the evening over at her blog, so perhaps I’ll leave it to her to describe – read it here (yes, I'm lazy).

I rolled out of bed at some ridiculous hour and indulged in a sudden Tennant craving (we’d been watching season 1 the last few days as Abs hadn’t seen it). Who am I to argue with the powers that be? Some season 4 ensued. Sooner rather than later, which often happens when you are still in your pjs well after midday, we had to get ready to head out for the pub tour. As it turned out, only the two of us had signed up for it. Despite my initial misgivings, it was actually a lovely evening. Our guide was very nice and seemed quite content to show us around (at one point he said to a friend who’d rung him that he was with “two girls who’d do anything”) and I think it’s fair to say, we got quite tipsy. Although to all my friends, we really need to go to the Glenmore, it’s got a gorgeous rooftop beer garden absolutely made of win. Note to self. We ended up in some Irish pub having food…our first real meal of the day come to think of it. Cupcakes are not a meal. We finished the last two today. They were every bit as delicious as they looked. I just know that whenever I stop by that cupcake place I will think of Abs. Anyway, we were home in time to catch American Idol on the +2 channel. This is something Abs has gotten me into, simply because Adam Lambert is quite possibly the most adorable thing ever. He also has an amazing voice. Can’t fault that now, can we?

My parents are taking us to the Lowenbrau as a sort of farewell dinner type thing. Much like the blue mountains, my dad has been dying to take Abbi there. Who am I to argue, Em informs me they have fruit beer! Finally! I’ve just been looking for it ever since I’ve gotten back from London *shakes head*

Sigh. I’m really going to miss having Abs around. It’s amazing how easy it is, having her here. You know, having someone to pull faces at while sitting on the couch or watch America’s Next Top Model/Gossip Girl/ Idol with or fall asleep with on the train. I can see myself saying something incomprehensible and turning around only to realise she’s not actually there. I don’t blame her for wanting to go home though. London is so…amazing. I love Sydney, it’s just such a gorgeous city, but London has the vibe, so I totally see why you’d miss that.

On the home front, the wheels are starting to fall off a bit. We got a letter from the landlord today telling us that he’s very sorry, but we have to move. Nice. So now it’s house hunting. My dad is uber depressed about it of course, which is tons of fun, as you can imagine. I’m fairly indifferent. I have had a love/hate relationship with this house for a very long time now and never really formed a strong emotional connection. If anything, I’ve always had a somewhat negative relationship with it. Could be quite fun to live in a new place. The physical moving might not be very enjoyable, but once it’s done, it’s done. I am going to miss my red feature wall though. Anyway, so I guess that’s priority number one now – find new place to live. Reasonable really.

Also, heaps of uni work awaits me. Fuck.

Music: Fly me to the moon - Frank Sinatra
Mood: Sleepy

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Shopping in Newtown yesterday with Lizzie. Well, perhaps shopping is the wrong word since I just stroked things - still haven't received my $900 from the government so still broke. Epic fail government. Anyway, wanted to show Abbi the likes of Newtown and that we did. Even though a lot of the shops appear to be closed on Mondays *shakes head* See, every day you learn something new. We wandered around for a bit before heading back to Town Hall for lunch and such. Mostly just to stop by The Cupcake Bakery again and pick up a dozen of the tasty little things. They just look so nice. I almost don't want to eat them...almost.

Sadly, I have to do uni work today if I don't want to give myself a nervous breakdown and/or flunk out of uni. I've got coffee, internet, Green Day, and a whole stack of paper that's waiting to be read. I really have no clue what I'm doing, but hey, that's hardly a new thing.

Tonight, pub tour.

Rock and/or Roll.

Sidenote from somewhere:
If a tree tweets in the forest and no one is there to hear it, will anybody respond @tree? Unlikely.

Music: Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
Mood: Right, let's work.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Because I'm really famous

What day is it? What year is it? Did I really only get up nine hours ago? I have no idea whether I'm coming or going anymore. In a good way of course.

As the last blog suggested, Thursday we graced the Bondi Explorer with our presence. Initially we had this very enthusiastic tour guide named Glen. He seemed too chirpy at first but soon you couldn't help but appreciate his effort as he pointed out random dogs along the way, suggested he may have taken a wrong turn, and told us about a wedding he attended. Thanks Glen, you made it an unique experience. We left this personalised tour when we disembarked to spend some time strolling along Bondi beach. I have to point out that our lunch here had more cheese on it than anything else, it was quite disconcerting. I felt like I had stepped into a Clavin & Hobbes cartoon and the cheese would soon turn and devour me. You never know.

After we rejoined the Explorer tour, we headed down George street to this fabulous cupcake place in order to celebrate Mat Devine's 35th Birthday. The cupcakes really were fabulous, in fact we're going back tomorrow. I still think Mat may have preferred if we celebrated with absinthe but cupcakes are surely the next best thing. Right? Right. An amble down Oxford street followed where an American Apparel was discovered (I didn't even know we had them here) and money was spent on skinny red jeans. I just can't resist! Bah. The Palace Academy was showing Let The Right One In so in we went. I had heard some fantastic things about this film but I think it was possibly just a little over my head. I don't really know how to described it...quite strange? I'm glad I saw it though since I know they're making a Hollywood version and it'd be interesting to see what they do to make it more commercial - you know they will. It was just very bizarre. I think it was too avant garde for me, sadly.

I have no idea what we did Friday. Not much clearly. I think we chillaxed. Watched Skins! Yes, that's what we did. I made lunch. This seems about right. We went to see The Alchemist at the Opera House in the evening (you have to see a show at the Opera House after all, I mean it's the city's trademark.) It was...disappointing. I've seen so many great shows at the Playhouse that it really felt a bit flat. It also caught me a bit off gaurd as I wasn't prepared for the mix of Shakespearean language and the modern approach. I also felt like nodding off for a while near the start which obviously wasn't a good thing. That said, there were some funny parts. The ice cream afterwards seemed a lot nicer somehow tho. Yum.

Yesterday we headed to the Blue Mountains. My dad had been particuarly keen to take Abbi since he found out she was coming, so we obliged. Besides, it meant I could sleep in the car too. We visited Scenic World at Katoomba and took that stupid vertical train down the mountain which always makes me feel like death is imminent. Survived, obviously. We did the entire rain forest walk. It was quite good really. We also stopped at Echo Point before having a late lunch. Parents then saw it fit to drive in the complete opposite direction and we ended up at Stanwell Tops. As always the wind was obscene. What it is with that place? It's like a damned wind funnel. Anyway, slept most of the way home.

Slept most of the morning too. But hey, it's holiday, I'm entitled! We headed to Leichhardt for lunch and a punk squat show. It was a totally new experience for me, something completely different to do. It made for an interesting afternoon.

I'm happily relaxing on the couch now, watching Rove, as my ass slowly regains feeling. I know, I know, wonderful picture. I'll leave you with it *hee*

Music: Rove
Mood: Content

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Boots with the fur

Well what can I say? It’s been a busy few days. In fact, I can’t even remember when last I blogged.

We’ve been getting through the major touristy things first. There was the Sydney Explorer bus with an amble through the Botanical Gardens, followed by a trip to the Aquarium and Wildlife World. Both Abs and I regressed to the age of five and flapped about, perplexing the other visitors…of which there were many – school holidays and all. Sadly, Armageddon descended upon us and it rained like it was the end of the world. In the end we had to give in and buy some of those plastic poncho things which always makes me feel like a victim on Law & Order: SVU, and which only kept us partially dry. Made it home though, that’s the main thing.

Yesterday, we took a drive around the Sutherland Shire area and Cronulla beach. It was a beautiful day for it, which seemed to mock us somehow after the rain. Not that it lasted for long, but that’s beside the point. It was followed by dinner in the city with Roze and Em, before we settled in at the Three Wise Monkeys. The girls had to go home around 10, but Abs and I were determined to stick around. We had a great time watching the clientele try their best moves on (which more often than not left something to be desired), and encouraging the 90s covers band who seemed to have a guitarist that was way better than the others. We caught the last train home and then decided the best way to round off the night was to watch the Doctor Who Easter Special. My bed welcomed me sometime after 2.

Featherdale Wildlife Park was the activity for today. Koalas, kangaroos, crocodiles, lizards and ugly birds, were all there to amuse us. We arrived at a good time to hang around for feeding, and it was actually really awesome. The flying foxes kept stealing each others food while the dingoes were clearly very fond of their keepers. Adorable. Abbi got her requisite tourist picture with a koala, so another thing can be ticked off our list.

Tomorrow, the sightseeing continues with the Bondi Explorer and, hopefully, cupcakes! No rest for the wicked, ya know

I recommend reading Abbi’s version of events over hurrr, she’s got the bases covered.

PS: I really need to get this song out of my head.

PPS: This is my 200th blog. Interesting.

Music: Sounds of the night
Mood: Tired

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Why can't we say what we're thinking of

Easter this year has been rather anti-climatic. I haven't eaten nearly as much chocolate as I usually do.

Abbi has introduced me to Peggle. Because yes, I really needed something else to distract me from uni work.

Oh holy hell, uni work. Ugh.

Anywho. Last night we went to witness the spectacle that was MSI at the Roundhouse. I have to say I much prefer driving to the place and shall be doing that in future. The train/bus combo usually kills me, despite the potential for hot chocolate purchasing (yeah, I'm so rock&roll...I've never pretended any different). It was a good show overall, crowd was very eclectic. The first opening act were bloody awful though, I have no idea who booked them but it was a mistake - half the time it sounded like they were singing about bears. Very strange. The Red Paintings were the second opening and what a spectacle, it was Placebo meets Bjork meets The Flaming Lips. I've heard whispers of them before, now I can understand why. Very visually arresting. They did an amzing cover of 'Mad World' to end the set. MSI were amazing of course. Little Jimmy Urine is such a show man, you really can't help but have a good time. He has great energy and was being as insulting and politically incorrect as only he knows how. Abbi's way better at this gig reportage than I am, you can check out her blog about it here. She has visual supplements people! Visual supplements!

Nothing to report for today really, mostly relaxing and such, seeing as jet lag was still viable and everything was closed. Tomorrow it's off to the city for the first real day of tourist-y stuff. That's a technical term. Hitting Explorer busses for comfort and ease (no parking woes, no petrol woes, I loves it), possibly amble about Circular Quay/George st, which leaves the cupcake shop and Pancakes a viable option. Ok this is ridiculous, when did my life start revolving around food? Oh wait, no, I've always followed my sweet tooth. Never mind.

Oh, and there is something wrong with my router. Suffice it to say I am not amused.

I should really go to bed. I'm feeling a bit icky...and we were watching Master Chef earlier which just made me hungry. Tsk tsk.

Hope everyone had a lovely easter, enjoy the public holiday. Long weekends FTW.


Music: Voices - Saosin
Mood: Sleepy

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I think I’ll move somewhere inviting

I am happy to report that Abs has survived the epic flight of doom, and has arrived in one piece. Woohoo. The fangirling has already commenced, as it should.

Currently I'm trying to decide whether I should do some uni work or have a shower. Shower seems far more relaxing, but then, the uni work must be done at some point. Bah. Stupid uni.

I don't know why I'm blogging, I have nothing to say.

Kinda sleepy come to think of it, for some reason sleep eluded me again last night. Should be used to it by now, but hey, what can you do.

Weather is being bizarre. Looks like rain's rolling in. Why does it always rain when I go to the Roundhouse? It's some sort of mystical occurance or something.

Are red jeans and cowboy boots a workable outfit or too weird? I dunno *strokes beard*


Phantom of the Opera is on and I just realised that the conductor is the same dude who plays Bilis Manger, aka best cast creepy old (lizardesque) man ever. I thought he looked familiar.

Music: You won't hear this - Envy on the Coast
Mood: Thirsty

Friday, April 10, 2009

Think of me waking silent and resigned

Boy don't try to front
I know just, just what you are

Pop music is a disease people. It crawls into your brain and rots there. True fact.

I have the worst.bloody.headache. It's refused to leave me alone all day. Bah. I have however persisted, and in some haphazard way, vaccuumed and tidied up about the place. Spare room is also now prepared.

I have to admit the itinerary I have concocted is rather lacklustre. I figured we'd play it by ear. The only things I have that are locked in is a gig and a show at the Opera House. Oh and the laser tag outing Em has organised which appears to be falling apart at the seams, but still. Also think the rocks pub tour is a good way to go. This leaves us with a number of options of exploring the city (of course), and trips to the mountains, possibly Canberra. Or something. Whatever. The main thing is we get to hang.

Unfortunately it appears that uni work will be inescapable during this time, but we'll work around it. As the Enter Shikari song says, no s-s-s-w-e-a-t.

I saw this DH Lawrence short story entitled 'The Captain's Doll' in Basement Books, and while I only read the ending, it caught my attention. Unsurprisingly, because I'm an idiot.

I find the notion of Cotard's syndrome fascinating. I feel there is a story in there somewhere, but damned if I can find it.

I'm trying to convince my dad he doesn't want to watch the rugby, instead he wants to watch RocknRolla with me. I'm losing.

As I continue to persist in this task, have some random poetry:

Promise me no promises,
So will I not promise you:
Keep we both our liberties,
Never false and never true:
Let us hold the die uncast,
Free to come as free to go:
For I cannot know your past,
And of mine what can you know?

You, so warm, may once have been
Warmer towards another one:
I, so cold, may once have seen
Sunlight, once have felt the sun:
Who shall show us if it was
Thus indeed in time of old?
Fades the image from the glass,
And the fortune is not told.

If you promised, you might grieve
For lost liberty again:
If I promised, I believe
I should fret to break the chain.
Let us be the friends we were,
Nothing more but nothing less:
Many thrive on frugal fare
Who would perish of excess

[Promises like pie-crust ~ Christina Rossetti]

Music: Think of me - Emmy Rossum
Mood: Hungry

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I'm not trying to cause a big sensation

The Boat that Rocked rocks. It's as simple as that. It's hilarious and just such fun. Also, Tom Sturridge is adorable. In fact, I have to quote Ab's review of it directly here :

If you love rock music or at least, like me, grew up with parents who blasted The Stones, The Beach Boys and The Who out of their stereos, it’s a must-see. Even if only to ogle the adorable Carl (Tom Sturridge) or silently mysterious Jim Morrison-a-like DJ Mark (Tom Wisdom). How about it then? Hell yes!

Hee! How about it, indeed.

Roze forgot about our outing leaving me to wait in Borders for Em to show. I was reading sci-fi and grinning like a fool at stupid things (eg "I spent a lot of time organising the archives. A. Lot. Of. Time."), it was quite nice really. We grabbed some take-away to smuggle into the movie with us and then just chillaxed. A good way to wind down overall. Especially after class which was verging on a nightmare - I had such trouble trying to keep my eyes open for some reason, eventually I had to resort to pinching myself.

Now tomorrow, I need to tidy up and get some uni work done. Saturday morning I'm picking up my darling 'adopted' big sister, who is enroute as I type. Glee!

Music: My Generation - The Who
Mood: Happy

"Creation is continuous"..."because time is not"

I am never going to finish this Bordieu reading before class. I read a page, blink, move on to the next one, and I'd already forgotten what I had read so far. It's completely over my head. I hate it when a reading is filled with sentences such as :
"structured structures are predisposed to functioning as structured structures."
You can't explain something using the same words! I mean come on, give me a break here. I also hate it when they use the same word like twenty times in a paragraph. Epic fail.

I do however like this:
"It is because the imaginary offers the mind no resistance that the mind, concious of no restraint, gives itself up to boundless ambitions and believes it possible to construct, or rather reconstruct, the world by virtue of its own strength and at the whim of its desires"

In other news, I'm going through severe Torchwood withdrawal which nothing seems to be able to placate. Make with series 3 already! Come on. Fangirls are turning rabid, I'm getting antsy, this is surely a form of cruel and inhuman punishment. I'm tired of putting up with spoiler warnings and infighting and everything just so I can get some vague hit of interaction. The bloody whoniverse is like crack. Ugh. I want my questionable tv, give me my questionable tv!


"Mother shoots son dead on family outing" That headline sounds like something that would happen on one of our (extended) family outings. Well, if you ignore the fact that this was one of those crazee things.

Meanwhile the house is a flurry of activity as we prepare for the arrival of the Queen Abbi. No crazy ass monks have put in an appearance (yet) so I'm guessing we're not going to be re-enacting 'Tooth and Claw' any time soon. Which is a shame, considering certain Doctors and their scottish accents. We have a telescope you know, Abs would just have to bring the giant diamond.

I should probably get up (yes I'm still in bed), get dressed, and go to woolies. And uni of course. Siiigh. There ain't no rest for the wicked (by the way, that Cage the Elephant song is quite addictive).

Music: Lucy in the sky with diamonds - The Beatles
Mood: Bored

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear

A trip to the Forbidden Planet site is in order. I'm thinking of getting the rest of the TW figures to keep Jack company. For one, I don't trust him here with Captain Sparrow, I shudder to think what they get up to while I'm not here. There are so many things wrong with that sentence, I'm not even going to go there.

My meeting today went very well. I knew Mandy would get me, I could tell from the minute she was like whatever at Martin. She's totally subjective like me and I think it's going to be useful to have her input in my writing. I've decided to do honours my way, as a big fuck you to the establishment. If they didn't want it done like this they never should have approved my proposal. This is a failure on their part, I'm going to make the most of it in the best way possible for me. Rock and roll. Damn the man.

Bought two books of poetry today as well as the James Bond Quantum of Solace short stories. One of the IT guys went to the Star Trek world premiere last night so there was some fanboying (it just doesn't work as well as fangirling, whatevs) going on. I haven't watched a lot of Star Trek and I can't say I'm a particularly big fan, but I have to admit the movie looks good. Even if it has Sylar in it who I have a bias against thanks to Heroes wasting my damn time. His review of it was promising at any rate.

Tomorrow after class I'm hanging with the girls, not sure what we're doing, but it's sure to be entertaining. I am voting in favour of drinking and perhaps a movie.

Just realised Abs will practically be on her way here this time tomorrow. Eeeee. I should be doing stuff to prepare! Clearly epic failure as host is imminent *plies with lindt easter eggs and diet coke*

Stop calling me Warren! My name isn't fucking Warren!
His name isn't Warren!
His name isn't Warren.
His name isn't Warren.
I thought his name was Warren?

Music: Shut me up - MSI
Mood: Peaceful

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The best of us can find happiness in misery

Hahahaha oh I saw that coming.

Anywho. How goes, universe? We here in Jen's head are exasperated and slightly loopy. My uni in typical fashion first cancelled today's class only to rescedule a short while later. I was in Myer when the email came through telling us to COME BACK!!! (caps and exclamation marks included) so I, being a conscientious student, dragged myself back up to uni. Twenty mintues later I stumble into the room to find my lecturer holding one poor soul hostage. Really, can you imagine, continuing to have a class with only one person there? It's insanity. I sat there being vague and saying general things simply to say something, and the loopy sod kept us there till past four. Two of us! And he's still making us reschedule the class for next week. Bah.

It's sort of ironic since the only reason I was still in the city, and hadn't merely headed home, was so I could do some window shopping and in general just avoid uni work. Everyone else headed back home to start working on their essays/readings/whatever. As such they were well beyond being able to come back for class. Ms. Bludger on the other hand...life's funny that way sometimes.

I was kind of annoyed since I carried this huge bag of books around with me to show as possible examples, and of course we never got around to discussing it. These things only ever happen when you are prepared. When you're not, you can count on someone wanting something from you *shakes head*

It was however my last day of work today. Back on the 27th. This is a bit of a weight off my mind. I've been feeling a bit hard pressed to do everything I need to. I might have to do some uni work while Abs is here, but she's already said she doesn't mind :) See how we go though.

You know what, sometimes fandom just desceneds into the biggest wankery ever. It's almost worse than academic wankery, except you know, still vaguely entertaining. Here's a tip, don't read to much into things ok? Just...let it be. It is what it is, you may not like it, you may think it's lacking, but you nattering on about it won't change that. All you have is what the subject gives you. Should'ves, would'ves, could'ves, none of that matters, only the final output does. Sometimes I think they're so busy seeing what they want to see, believing what they want to believe, that they lose sight of the actual subject. This to me just seems like a wholly new fantasy world, perhaps one should create that instead and stop trying to overwhelm people with your opinion? Just a thought. I don't really like becoming involved in fandoms for precisely this reason, it always goes to shit and it's just too much drama for one person to really stomach. It's not real. It's meant to be entertaining. Stop taking it so seriously. Honestly. I am petrified of one day writing something and having it be subjected to anything like this, kind of makes you wish success like that never comes.

Erm. What else, what else...hmm. Oh, I better check the writer's festival schedule.

Aaaaah! Creepy unexpected picture of Cedric-whats-his-name-robert-dude. Internet! Don't do that! Ugh. I really do not get this guy's appeal. Way over my head.

I got RocknRolla today. Good way to chillax I think.

Music: I don't care - Fall Out Boy
Mood: Sore

Monday, April 6, 2009

I'm bouncing in and out of my body

As my eyes roll in rhythm
And they wish to focus
But they can't bear to see

I’m so tired I’m aching. I feel completely hollowed out. And I don’t even want to pretend to give a fuck. I’m sick of walking along blindly, of just acquiescing, of doing things I don’t want to just because it’s easier for other people. Why do I always have to make the compromises, listen to all the complaints, and always sit there and take it? Just because I don’t want to talk about it, doesn’t mean I’m not fraying at the edges. I don’t want someone to hold my hand, I don’t want someone to constantly ask after me, all I want is a silent concession that there is ‘something’ up and that it’s recognised my life isn’t all fucking sunshine and roses. Sometimes it feels like I give and give and give, until I have nothing left for myself.

My father has known me twenty one years and he still doesn’t know that I do not like sauce on my burgers. Even after all the times I’ve asked restaurants or the like to just leave it plain, and all the times I’ve made it abundantly clear that I don’t like it, he still goes ahead and puts it on. And ok, I appreciate that he makes dinner, but I didn’t want him to make my burger. I was standing in the kitchen just starting to put mine together when he all but shoves me out of the way to take over. Fundamentally I know he’s trying to be nice and whatever, but fuck it, if that doesn’t make me mad. I am busy doing something, I hate having someone come in and just take over and besides, I don’t fucking need someone to do this for me. Then he decides on the wonderful combination of barbeque sauce and mustard. Mustard. I’ve never in my life liked the stuff; it makes me feel violently ill. I wouldn’t be so exasperated if I wasn’t all set to make it for myself. I was in the process. He comes in and takes over and completely fucks me over. Sure his heart’s in the right place, but clearly not enough to actually fucking know anything about me. That’s why I keep telling him I’ll make my own food, I know what I want. I know I’m obscenely fussy and I don’t want anyone to waste their time because I end up not eating what they’ve made. I feel bad. So I keep saying leave it, its fine, I’ll make my own food. Top it off, I was ravenous when I came home, but the mustard though (and with BBQ sauce which I’ve gone off of and he knows this since that’s why I don’t order BBQ pizza for myself anymore) has quickly replaced any hunger with dizzy nausea. JHC.

I just…

I’m just not in the mood. I’m over this and everything and trying. I am so drained in all other aspects of my life that I can’t even begin to get these god forsaken bloody essays out of the way. Which is a huuuge problem. But I don’t have the energy to even think of a way to rectify this.

I’ve spent the day coughing and freezing and I just want to curl up in bed and never emerge again until everything is bright and cheerful and all my uni work is finished. I feel bruised and more broken than usual and I don’t want to be fixed, I just want some time for the glue to set and the cracks to settle again, so I can function again in a useful way.

I’m always colder, more ruthless at times like these. I try my best to stay out of people’s way, to just retreat in on myself until said functioning occurs, cause I just want to scream and rage at the world until I can’t speak anymore, until my hands ache, and if anyone has the misfortune of crossing me the wrong way, I have no self control left to be placating and forgiving. My father has never understood this, even after all these years. I just want to be left alone. Just please, please leave me alone. It never works, someone always gets burnt. It’s entirely selfish and I’m entirely a moody bitch and I know this, but it’s not my fault I’m like this. I just am. I just wish that was understood as a fact of my chemical make up instead of just being brushed aside and forgotten.

I don’t know. I think too much. I’m too tired to make sense of my thoughts or to try and censor myself into rationality. I’m going to go to bed. I’ll just deal with the consequences of being a monumental fuck up, not doing my uni work, and raging against nature later.

Our eyes are paralyzed
As your legs are canonized
With the water from these seas
To own a heart that's half of yours, yours
These bones are mere accessories
Throwing punches at ocean waves

Music: The gift of paralysis - Envy on the Coast
Mood: Drained

D4 takes E5

Something terrible has just happened to me. I was reading something and it made reference to capturing a pawn en passant and I couldn't remember what that was. I had to wiki it. I had to bloody wiki it. I think my heart just cracked a little.

It's ridiculous of course, but it fucking hurts to think that something that you did for such a huge part of your life, that formed part of the most defining aspects of growing up, has been lost in this wave of well, life, I suppose. And yeah ok, I didn't take up playing again after we moved here because it just hurt too fucking much to look at a chess board and think of everything I had to leave behind. Now I suppose I'm better able to deal with those memories cause I've moved on and I have a life here and I realise it doesn't matter that it was all ripped out from under me. Playing again doesn't necessarily mean replacing those time, and no, it won't be the same as it was, it can never be the same, and I will always love those boys more than they could ever possibly know, but I don't want to lose the whole thing all together. So now I'm thinking I should possibly join some club. Except everyone I've seen around here appear to be nerdy, stereotypical chess players. We were never nerdy. We were always in bloody trouble. But jesus, if I can't remember what en passant is I need to seriously get some practice. I did not spend HOURS of my life staring at little black and white squares to the point where I had to take pills to sleep, just to forget it all. I mean where's the point in that?

It just really caught me off gaurd.

Music: Law & Order
Mood: Surprised

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Rugby, you're not doing it right!

I have just returned home from the most boring rugby match possibly ever. Seriously, the crowd were so bored by the end of it, everyone was chatting to each other and left the best of friends. Not much love for the players though, honestly, what exactly do they get paid for? No one appeared to be paying attention to what was happening on the field anymore until someone finally scored another try about 6 minutes before the end. I strongly suspect everyone got whiplash as they turned around, "Hey, something is actually happening! Quick, take a picture, it's a miracle!" Dear Super 14, you're not doing it right! Needless to say, I really, really missed Jasper.

It was Stormers v Waratahs and normally I wouldn't even think of going but I didn't get any say in the matter. It's not helped by the fact that we have friends who go out of some misplaced sense of South African patriotism even though they don't actually support the Stormers. Look, I don't know, it perplexes me but I'm tired of lecturing them on it.

The only amusing game-related thing of the night was when they showed the bench and Percy was there so we all started cheering because I have this really stupid joke concerning him which I started a few years ago and everyone got behind it. This then caused the guy in front of us to turn around and start chatting to us, which like I said, proves how boring the game was. He was very amusing, and I am totally convinced he is as gay as they come, despite the fact he was there with his girlfriend. He also couldn't stop talking about his lawyer and said lawyers boyfriend which to me didn't exactly help his cause much. Perhaps he was encouraged by the intense Torchwood discussion I was having minutes before, who knows?

There was a French couple next to him who I may have scared by demanding they return Daniel to me the minute they got home, and in mint condition, because "I miss my boys!" Don't worry, they would have known it was meant in boredom-induced good fun...I hope. Although I don't think anyone appreciated my moaning "You know, if this was a Crusaders game, an old Crusaders game..." spiel much. We really had to make our own entertainment, at one point we were all exchanging ideas on how to make it more exciting. My contributions were flame throwers to guide them in the right direction, or land mines. I also suggested drawing the players a road map to aid in finding the line, or if they were too stupid to figure this out, GPS chips for their shoes.

They showed the Wolverine ad during half time. I of course enthusiastically pointed it out (Huuuuuugh!) which earned me a few "You're weird" quips. I was all uh dudes, I'm sitting at a rugby match wearing a leather jacket and green gloves, scribbling in a beat up notebook, complaining about Proust essays and how Occam's razor doesn't apply to my uni degree, all the while having deep and meaningful conversations about fictional universes...thank you, Captain Obvious. At one point, for some unknown reason, we got on the subject of Jack (I don't even know how) and I had this massive philosophical debate with mum about him. In the end it came down to her not seeing him as a character she could support. Which I admit may have led to some emo whining on my part. She conceded that he was nice to look at. That's something at least. And yes, during all of this there was a match being played...though I don't think anyone told the players that. There was a lot of standing around and pouting which made me think maybe they thought it was a casting call for Merlin, and the ref seemed to be doing his best Gandalf impersonation - You Shall Not Pass!

I got into one of my typical moral high ground staunches with a bunch of neanderthals who were indulging in the usual racial and sexual slurs. I merely pointed it out that it was ironic that they kept calling someone a fag when they kept encouraging each other to indulge in various questionable activities. They were drunk off their heads (not that I blame them) and I am again struck by the thought that I'm going to get myself killed one day. They were being very loud and rude though so I wasn't the only one, other people told them to shut up too as there were lots of kids around, and they did. They were quite well behaved drunken louts all things considered.

Much arm waving, flag flapping, YMCA gesturing (it wasn't actually played, I just thought it sounded like a good idea and we should give it a go), random conversation making, and singing along to Katy Perry (which they appear to be unduly fond of at the stadium) later, we could all mercifully go home.

In the end the Waratahs won, 12 - 6, I think. It hardly seemed to matter.

Music: Coluuuuumboooo
Mood: Tired

We're fated to pretend

UGH. I feel like banging my head repeatedly against a very sturdy surface. I have left Jasper at work. Which means I now have to spend the entire weekend sidekick-less. It's not the first time I've done this, but the previous time I did it over a weekend I was home all weekend anyway and as such, it wasn't felt that much. However, I have to do something with mum and family friends tonight. Normally I breeze throught this as I have the ability to twitter or facebook to my heart's content, but now I'm essentially going in cold. Tomorrow I'm also out, as I'm hanging with Lizzie. I think it's a serious concern how anxious I feel leaving the house without my phone. I feel completely helpless and disconnected and omgwhatamimissing. Symptoms of the modern condition. It's crazy. Stupid technology. You did this to me!

Anyway. I had a half composed blog that I didn't do yesterday cause I'm lazy and was watching Beauty and the Beast instead, but all the wonderful things I wanted to talk about are saved as a draft email on Jasper. So fat lot of good that does me. It'll teach me though. I'm not meant to have him out at work in the first place, but I was getting a lot of messages this morning and it fucks with the work phone if I leave him in my bag.

Epic. Sigh.

Are these Empire of the Sun music videos supposed to remind me of The Mighty Boosh? I saw this one yesterday and kept thinking "they must be looking for the New Sound."

I read the funniest fic this morning, I thought my head was going to explode from supressing my laughter, esp when it got to the bit that said something like "Last time The Master was here he tried to take over the tavern with speaking monkeys. " I don't know why people even attempt to write non-crack fics, it's usually funny anyway, might as well make it intentional. Obviously, I don't have a link thanks to Jasper's desertion, but I'll put one up later.

Ugh well. Better move along. I can't go to my study group since my mother is all "But you said you'd do this with meeeee". Yeah, I said that, but you never said it was actually going ahead and that was before you made me bail on the Friday study group and have it moved to Saturday. Which was pointless anyway. Grrrr.

Music: Time+To+Pretend - MGMT
Mood: Cranky

Thursday, April 2, 2009

What did you possibly expect under this condition

As things go, today was overall quite a good day. I didn't do all my readings but I felt like I actually got the general gist of it. I didn't feel awkward or stupid in class. The girls told me they really missed me and "needed me" on Tuesday and that surprised me, what with my general feeling of just being comic relief and/or invisible. The girl at the newsagency recognised me as I went to her high school, even though she would only have been in Year 8 when I finished. Again that surprised me due to my general sense of being invisible. Oh, and overall, the theory we discussed in class was way better than theraphy. At the core of it, it just made so much sense. It was a lightbulb moment and I actually felt glad that I hadn't paid a psychiatrist to tell me this stuff.

What else has happaned? Hm. Oh, my meeting with Mandy didn't come through yesterday cause...well, she wasn't there. I'm definitely seeing her next week though. She is eligible though, so that's something at least.

Right now I'm going to watch Utopia/Sound of Drums. Tomorrow after work, I shall type up the outline for my Proust essay as well as start writing up my other assignment. It is mum's birthday so I shall have to go to dinner with my parents. Saturday I'm working again, somewhere squash in some academics, and it's study night again. Sunday I'm hanging with Lizzie.

Lots to do. Aaaaaand only eight days until Abbi arrives!

Music: Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin
Mood: Sleepy

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Sweet relief now that you're here with me

Prompt: Clearly a song, ‘Into the ocean’ by Blue October which I was listening to on the train home.
Characters: Unnamed.
Word count: 2, 262
Author’s comments: Well, like I said, I was listening to this song on the train and felt like writing something around it. It’s been happening a lot lately. Maybe it’s a little emo. I don’t know. You’ll have to forgive me. I watch a lot of that sort of thing. I just wanted to write something purely for the sake of writing and not have to think, you know? Cause uni just stresses me out and I have this damned essay on Proust to write (yes, yes, I know, shut up already) and so much work I just keep putting off. And yes, this is just adding to putting it off, but this at least feels vaguely productive. It’s good to exercise those creative muscles every now and then. Also, sorry, I realise it’s quite long. If I had an LJ, I’d put it under a cut, but I don’t. So deal.


The tips of my ears had gone numb. Logically, I knew that I must be shivering, but I didn’t notice. Noticing would require feeling, and feeling would require energy I didn’t have. I definitely didn’t have the energy to pretend. I didn’t know how long I had been there, whether it had been minutes or hours. Time had lost all meaning. Well, traditional meaning. Now it would simply be measured in long agonizing seconds since I lost the only thing that meant anything to me. Regardless of my personal feelings on the matter, the world continued to turn, paying little heed to the Greek tragedy of my own making. Before long, the sun was putting in its first appearance of the day, soft yellow challenging the dark blue for dominance. If I was inclined to make up shitty metaphors, I’d say it was a sign for new beginning, for chasing the darkness away, but I’m not that type. Not that type. Jesus.

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

At some point in your life you realise you really don’t know yourself at all. You look in the mirror and you don’t recognise the person staring back at you. That’s fair enough, that’s growth and development and whatever other bullshit psychobabble they’ve come up with. I’m too young to have to deal with shit like that. When I looked in the mirror four nights ago, I saw only desperation. I saw a pathetic vision of someone who would do anything for a loved one, regardless of consequence. I had absolute faith that my absolute faith would be enough. I didn’t know who that person was, or how that person had gotten there. It was nothing like the person I saw at six, sulking over my brother eating my ice cream; or at twelve, crying over a dead dog; or at sixteen, giddy on teenage romance. It was definitely nothing like the person I saw at twenty, cocky and smart-arsed, so sure that I had found myself. Two years later I had a job, a relationship, a life. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t exceptional, but it was comfortable and hey, I was happy. I’d found my place. I didn’t know what I had looked like then. I never looked in the mirror; I had better things to do.

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

The guilt is worse than anything. It’s inescapable and dual. There’s the whole trying to talk yourself in and out of things, constantly see-sawing so often, you don’t know whether you’re coming or going anymore. I lost count of how many times I thought that it must be what it feels like to be mad. To have two distinct personalities demanding attention, fighting for dominance and each of them had damn good points. Then there are old fashioned concepts like duty and honour, dedication and trust. Things the twenty year old me would have scoffed at, but now seemed to be the very centre of my world. I gravitated around them, around responsibility, because somehow in the last few years they had become my life. It had come to define me.

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be

I had been cut loose. I was a boat without an anchor. No wait, I said I wasn’t the type for shitty metaphors. But what type am I? The very things that defined me, everything that I had built myself on, was gone. There was no way of getting any of it back, and it had so taken over my life that I had nowhere else to turn. There was only me, and I barely gave myself any consideration. I felt invisible. I had failed. I was in no fit state to look after myself. If I was in said fit state, I would probably have appreciated the irony. I had gotten myself into a situation where I thought I had meaning but inevitably the situation led to the meaning being ripped out from under my feet, without even so much as a warning. And I know I brought it upon myself. I know. The chances were there, chances to make a change, chances to move on, and chances to run and never look back.

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up, take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down
Let the rain come down

Running was still an option. If anything, it would probably have been the best time for it. I had no guilt to grind my conscious, no honour to bind me. In a click of fingers, those responsibilities had disappeared. I could get in touch with that twenty year old me again…was it really only four years ago? It seems impossible. Thinking about that time, my childhood even, feels like watching someone else’s home movies. I can see myself standing there, watching it all unfold, but emotionally I don’t feel it. I smile and nod and make the appropriate observations in the appropriate places but there’s no real effect on me. The ‘me’ I had become could no longer recognise the ‘me’ that had been. I supposed I could go back home. My parents would no doubt have expected it. Isn’t a traditional place for mourning with one’s family? Then again, I never was big on tradition.

Where is the coastguard?
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam, junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life, believe me
How can I keep up this breathing?

I had to have fallen asleep. One minute I was staring at the horizon, the next I was in the water. The current surprised me, it pushed and pulled and disorientated me. I vaguely registered the impulse to swim, my limbs put in a token effort and I managed to grab a lungful of air. It hurt. The thought struck me as funny, and I laughed even as I floated further from land. I was a liar. At the heart of the matter, that was the truth. Lies had gotten me where I was, and I was still suffering from little lie aftershocks. I was still feeling guilty. Of course I was. It had just mutated into a different guilt, a warped sort of survivors guilt. There was also a healthy dose of shame that came with it. It had moved right into the vacuum left by ‘hope’ and ‘desperation’. All I was left with was guilt, and shame, and fear, and anger. Although the latter had dissipated within minutes of its first appearance, merely transforming into the vague shadow of a feeling I thought that I should perhaps feel. I had no real claim on it and that rendered it powerless. Fear, on the other hand. Fear was the key to all of this.

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

The flight-or-fight response forms the first stage of general adaptation syndrome that regulates stress responses, namely the consequences of the failure to respond appropriately to emotional or physical threats, whether actual or imagined. The initial threat was most definitely emotional, and it was certainly not imaginary. I hated to admit it, but the response was flight. Flight, then fight as it were. I didn’t think I’d ever know whether that was due to my personality or simply necessity. The threat followed me, the flight failed, and the fight…well, it was the fight of a lifetime. It raged over a year that seemed to last forever, a war of attrition that ended in the blazing wreckage of all I had built. I lost the battle and I lost the war. Yet, here it was again, fight-or-flight. Consequences stacked up ten feet high on either of side of me, a single word would bury me and rightfully so. Why bother though? Why am I so torn up about losing something that was forced upon me? This life, the one I was mourning, it was all just consequential.

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down

That vague impulse registered with me again – to swim, to get back to shore, to stop wasting time. The odd texture of wet jeans against my skin struck me as far more pressing. I was too tired. Too tired to appreciate the way the pinkish blue hues of early morning simmered above me. Too tired to pretend everything would be alright. Too tired to remember what I’d lost and what I hadn’t. I was definitely too tired to maintain any sort of control over my body, to keep it from sinking. Fuck fight-or-flight. Morality, consciousness, rationality, wasn’t that what it meant to be human? My mind was tired. My body was tired. But most of all, my mind couldn’t care less about my body right now, not while lulled by the soft push and pull, the pressing of silence all around. It was a weight that blanketed me and, blissfully, allowed my mind to finally shut up.

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow, yeah
Just to prove I knew how, yeah
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Acceleration of lung action as oxygen in blood decreases, and carbon dioxide increases. Slowing of heart rate. Restriction of blood flow to extremities. Shifting of blood to the thoriac cavity. Dilation of pupils. Laryngospasm. Hypoxia. Cardiac arrest.

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean...end it all

I felt arms wrap around my chest. The quietly insistant push and pull was replaced by a very firm direction. Up. I hadn’t sunk much, and I hadn’t been submerged for long, but the minute my head broke the surface my lungs pulled in air like it had never known the substance before.
“It’s ok, it’s ok, I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”
The voice was familiar and cut straight into my heart. If I had any sort of control, I would have resisted, pulled away. Instead I only slumped back into the hold, clinging to the forearm across my chest. My body was a traitor. I threw up the second we crawled back onto dry land. He kept his hand on my back the entire time, soothingly rubbing small circles. The heat of his skin seeped through my sodden clothes and I found comfort in his presence. I had no right to feel that comfort, or to expect it, but he was there and I was too tired to feel the guilt I knew usually accompanied this. I rolled away and collapsed onto my back. Morning had settled in, life was slowly returning to the bay. Somewhere off to my left a seagull squawked and to my right he sat, looking down at me intently. Confusion was etched across his face. Confusion and fear. My mind railed against it. I shifted my gaze to the sky.
“I don’t want to die.”
My voice was hoarse and I became aware of my throat burning. How long had that been going on? Was it because of what had just happened or because of all the crying I had done during the night?
“I know,” he replied softly.
“I was just tired,” I mumbled, pulling myself into a sitting position and hugging my knees. I became viciously aware that I was shaking. “I’m so tired.”
Arms wrapped around me and pulled me to him. I didn’t resist. He was shaking too, the wind playing havoc with our wet clothing. I pressed closer, trying to make the most of what little warmth our bodies and the weak sun could offer us. He pressed a soft kiss to my temple and I breathed out a shaky breath.
“I don’t want to die.”
“Don’t worry,” he said, pulling me even closer, “I’ve got you.”
I pressed my face to his chest and let him hold me. Maybe I would regret it later. Maybe it would all blow up in my face. But in that moment, I felt the warmth for the first time in months. Hell, I felt. And yeah, I was still hurting and things weren’t even remotely close to being ok, but maybe it would be. He had come for me, I had a clean slate, and more importantly, I wasn’t going anywhere.

Into the ocean, goodbye, end it all, goodbye...

Music: Starving your friends - Envy on the Coast
Mood: Lethargic

Eyes of the bluest skies as if they thought of rain

Why must my good moods always be so fleeting? Distraction, just a quick distraction then back to the slave pit.


"Look, any conversation between us, no matter what the subject, is over. Finished. Done. Forever. I'm getting back
behind the wheel of that car. If you're still standing in the road, I'm gonna drive through you."
"So you're not going to help me catch this pterodactyl then?"


Thanks a lot.
I've been disadvantaged from the start.
He constricted the veins heading straight to my head,
Rerouted the blood to my heart instead.
Rerouted the blood to my heart instead.

I am braindead,
Think in strictly in blues and reds.
Oh I'm in enough trouble man...
Oh man, I'm in trouble again.
Cause everyone's ears are watching me,
But I never, ever felt that this would be
Anything more than a makeshift personal IV.

I fall three times as hard.
If it's for nothing at all
You all seem twice as tall as I will ever be.
And I feel terribly small.
When my head works too hard.
When you think with your chest,
There's not a thing that you don't see

I'm hardly capable of half the damage that I would like to do.
I could swear that I don't care,
But you know I'm too full of shit to think this through.
So look at me, I pray to God
But curse too much to be considered true.
I'm just like me.
So who the hell are you?

I'm but a boy,
Just like the rest of these thieves.
And I borrow phrases, from dusty, faded, record sleeves.
The story is the same.
I've just personalized the name.
But if it's all you need,
Then I'd be more than happy to confess my shame.

I know you think you know,
But these eyelids are windows that shut you out
from all the things that I don't want you to know.
And I refuse to tell you one single secret I own.
'Cause you'll find I'm petrified of your eyes.

I'm hardly capable of half the damage that I would like to do.
I could swear that I don't care,
But you know I'm too full of shit to think this through.
I've read the book, I prayed to God,
But cursed too much to be considered true.
I'm just like me.
So who the hell are you?

Music: Sweet child o' mine - Guns n Roses
Mood: Stressed