Cuddling close to blankets and sheets

By some cruel act of fate things never present themselves to be ludicrously tempting when I'm feeling reckless, and dangerous. It's probably a good thing so I don't end up fucking up, but it's frustrating when irresponsibility courses through my veins and there is no outlet. Of course should such a oppportunity present itself I will be far too withdrawn in my anti-social self-imposed hermitism to even notice. Always happens. Never around when you need it. The universe enjoys mocking me.

Speaking of mocking, being a teenager is such a pain in the freaking ass. I had three at work today being all sullen and pissed off, griping and moaning, when thigns just aren't that bad. Of course, when you're a teen, everything is that bad. That's been scientifically proven too, something to do with chemical balances...as is usually the case.

It never fails to amaze me how disconnected I can feel to everything. Like I don't belong anywhere, and I can't be comforatble anywhere. Especially in a crowd of people...it's always easier to feel utterly alone when surrounded by people you just can't connect with. I see no way of this ever changing, of me every changing, I will always be this awkward, this shy and unsure. I will always struggle to find comfort and familiarity in things other people don't even seem to think about, normality. I will always be alone.

Last night was interesting. We went to Summit/Orbit bar. Revolving establishments never fail to amuse the masses. Dinner was good, although I always marvel at the big white plates they give you at fancy places with just a little heap of food in the middle. Good though. The hot chocolate souffle dessert in particular was fantastic. Spent the entire night next to Roze, leeching off her social skills. She doesn't understand the concept of "awkward" or "silence". Every conversation is run like an interview, every person she meets is immediately a friend. I can sit there and stare at the city lights, nodding and interjecting when I feel like it, and when the opportunity presents itself. People probably think I'm aloof and disinterested...really I'm just lost. Em's boyfriend is the loveliest guy I've ever met. We spent the entire night building his ego. He's good to her, she deserves it. Was slightly bizarre with half his friends being there, making us girls some of the oldest guests. Some girls from High School showed, that was a bit strange too. Still, Em had a good time. That was the point.

You know, I don't understand why people write fan fiction. I understand obsession, oh I understand that only too well. I get loving something so much, that it feels like your very existence is founded upon it. But things such as fan fiction, especially concerning bands or musicians or such, just seems so bizarre to me...from a writing perspective. Essentially, you are creating an image of what you think these people are like. Because you honestly have no idea. So, really, a whole character is constructed. So why not just think up a different name and viola, a different character. New. Shiny. And all yours. Even when it comes to writing fics based on fictional characters...you can never capture the character the way it was created...unless you were there for the pitches and the development and the story arcs and the what-have-yous...because you have to understand your character, the motivations, the back story, things that aren't necessarily obvious, but that the writers know about. When a group is writing, they all have to be on the same page, they have to know and love those characters like family...the way Abbi and I love our ESM boys. And you know, if someone wrote a fic on those characters, they wouldn't capture it properly, it woulnd't feel right to us. That's always nagged it me, the few times I've read fan fics...the way the characters just felt a bit...off. Regardless of how good stylistically the writer is. And I don't understand why you'd do that, put in all that effort to write all this stuff about characters that sure, maybe you love, but you don't really understand - not the way the writers do - and that you very, very rarely have a chance of capturing properly. You might as well start an orignal work, sure it might have a slightly "ripped off" feeling about it, but everything is a rip off of something else, at least this way it's yours. Completely. And there's nothing to "measure" it against.

*shrugs*

Maybe that's just me. According to wikipedia though "fan fiction, as it is now understood, began at least as early as the 17th century, with unauthorized published sequels to such works as Don Quixote". That in itself is kind of amusing since Cervantes' novel was itself a send-up of romantic period literature.

Anyway...

Here's a little known fact, Jasper hates livejournal. Part of the reason I decided to blog here instead...what's the point of having a sidekick if it's going to object to where I blog.

I wrote "retconned" on a patient's medical card today cause I wasn't paying attention.

I'm such a geek.

I still havent worked on my novel writing piece. Better do it tomorrow.

I'm so apathetic it isn't funny. And melancholic.

Keep the blood in your head
And keep your feet on the ground.
Today's the day it gets tired.
Today's the day we drop down.
Give up my body in bed.
All for an empty hotel.
Wasting words on lowercases and capitals

Music: The Quiet Screaming - Brand New/Dashboard Confessional mash up
Mood: Disappointed