A desperation murmur of a heart beat

My mum just sent me a text. It reads - "who is that vampire guy in the Joker make-up?" Suffice it to say I had no idea what she was talking about, so I rang her. Now apparantly I was watching something last week on tv, and she commented that he looked like the Joker, but I knew what was going on, so I explained it to her. That was last week, today I have NO idea what's going on. I can't remember watching anything with vampires, let alone vampires with Joker make-up. In fact, I can't remember watching anything with anyone in Joker make-up at all. All I remember watching is Torchwood. Anyway, she wants to know who this mystery guy is cause she says that is what Danny looks like today - you might remember him from other Halloween costumes such as Jack Sparrow (sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow). I knew he was going to do the Joker thing, I just knew it. I should have bet on it, damn it. Anyway, this incident just further illustrates what a unique challenge the parenting of me can be - being on the phone while I run through all the possible shows we could have possibly watched last week and all the vampires I can possibly think of (which for some reason today was limited to Lestat). My poor mother has lived through so many of my obsessions. We still don't know who this vampire Joker is...I honestly have no idea what she's talking about...I'm guessing the character probably isn't a vampire at all, just really pale which I contribute to the clown make up...I mean why would a vampire be dressed like that? It's driving me nuts tho, not knowing.

I should be cleaning up right now, Lizzie's coming over at 5, but I really don't want to.

Ryan Adams was on Letterman last night, he was looking the way he sometimes does that makes me think I've got a bit of a thing for him. You know, despite his being one of those moody, brooding artists types. Disturbingly, I watch a lot of Letterman. Not because I particularly want to, it's just on when I'm up late. I usually only realise when the guest musicians start playing how late it is. It's a cue for my brain to go "Oh Letterman's on, better go to bed soon." I don't even know how old the episodes are they show here. Sometimes I think they can't be that old, but other times there seems to be a bit of a break in information. Well whatever, I ramble pointlessly.

You know what, I'm really very protective of my friends. I hate it when something happens that I can't fix or can't even plot revenge against. I hate feeling so useless.

Days like today just fascinate me. Wasn't hot when I left for work and it was raining, it's taken all day to warm up and even now, it's not really hot, it's just humid. The sky isn't really blue, it's more yellow. Everything has that slightly off tinge to it. I always feel like it's quintessentially aussie.

Now let's see, the obsession of the week. I was considering making it the Trope Wiki site since it's endlessly amusing and provided much aid in the procrastination process this week, but the dubious honour is going to have to go to Green Day's American Idiot. How many years has it been now, four? And still I respond to this album in the same way. I've been listening to it now for four days straight and it's in my car cd player, selected on my iPod, and currently blaring from my stereo. I know it back to front, and yet, I never get sick of it. I've expressed my adoration for this band many, many times, and it never lessens. If anything, it gets stronger. Every time I listen to this album, to any of their albums really, I realise it's why I wake up every morning. It sinks in, it courses through the very strands of my existence, it's like taking that first breath after being under water for a long time. Every time. Everything I feel, everything I love, everything I want, is reflected. And yes, sometimes it breaks my heart, but at least I feel it. I'm weird, I'm a loner, and I feel slightly unhinged most of the time, but it's ok cause I have this. So even though every single feeling captured on this album is one I can easily find, and knowing that stings, it's beautiful, because it's real.



I just caught sight of the pile of clothes in the corner of my room...gah. Why can't I hang stuff up then every weekend won't be this tiring battle to actually get stuff back into the closet. Grumble. Damn the infernal laziness!

Music: Homecoming - Green Day
Mood: Blah

Lost and found, city bound in my dreams

Are we the waiting/St. Jimmy is a great reflection of character - the quiet, half poetic introspection and reflection, against attitude and those cheeky, give 'em hell tendencies.

Hm.

My tutor had that look in his eye when he looked at me today, the one they tend to get once they've read something I've submitted for workshopping in my writing classes...the one where they realise I am actually competent. Then I pitched my idea to the class and they all looked at me sort of stunned. I always feel slightly vinidicated when this happens cause they realise I'm not as useless as they think I am. We were workshopping another girl's piece, fantasty, and she said something like "so he falls in love with this girl" and completely randomly the guy sitting next to me (he always sits with Ally and I) turns to me and says "why must it always be a girl, why can't he be gay? That never happens. It doesn't have to be obvious or anything but hey, then it'll be different." I sat there nodding and wondering why he'd chosen to make such a comment, let alone to me. Of course, I'm quite the perfect person to make such a comment to, but it was just unexpected *shrugs*

I left early to go on a final Halloween scavenge. On the way, I came across a busker singing 'Sex on fire' but he had changed the chorus to "You, you're Jessica Alba." Not sure why. Ah the city, always amusing. I gave up eventually, and just got a military trench from a costume shop. The girl looked at me like I was insane because apparantly it's going to be a nice, toasty 36 tomorrow. So while I originally settled on just going with the Captain Jack Harkness thing for lack of another idea, now it's more of a half-assed-attempt-to-not-die-of-heat-stroke-while-pretending-to-be-a-doctor-who-character thing.

"You are so obtuse."
There is a character that says that in something...hmmm...can't remember who or what or where though. I hate it when that happens.

Oh and to continue my puzzling over fanfiction from the other night, you know what really preplexes me...people who write themselves into their fics. Usually teen girls. I understand wanting to be part of something (only too well sadly), but I think it's very weird to write yourself into an existing story. It doesn't feel authentic.

I found this absolutely NERDTASTIC site the other night while googling Space Whales (don't ask, I get geekier by the day), and it's just so amusing and so us. Today I came across a bit under 'Genre Savvy' that sounds completely like something I'd say - And they've seen enough Horror movies to know that when there's an ax murderer on the loose, the last thing you want to do is either split up, boink your significant other, or investigate strange noises in the Sinister Subway. I was also particularly pleased with the 'Idiot Ball' section - A moment where a character's stupidity fuels an episode, or a small plot line. If the character does this the entire time then the character is Too Dumb To Live, if multiple characters have the Idiot Ball it becomes an Idiot Plot - especially with it's reference to Peter Petrelli - Peter's first memorable action way back at the start of the series is to see if he can fly... by jumping off a tall building. This troper considers Peter to have been consistently portrayed as an idiot. Of course, he's also the most powerful character on the show,and also, the season one finale had him standing around looking panicky as he was about to go nuclear, completely forgetting that he had the power of flight. Thank you, that's excatly what I was thinking! If Sylar can multi-task than so can he. Huffs.

I'm only doing this to distract myself.

Meanwhile, back in the real world where people's main concern is not the suckiness of their Halloween costume, Roze quit her job thinking she had another one lined which has now fallen through rendering her in financial crisis; Em has worried us all and is currently MIA, not responding to any of our texts; and David Tennant has quit Doctor Who.

Well done universe, well fucking done.

Music: Are we the waiting - Green Day
Mood: Worried

Hear the sound of the pouring rain

Novel writing is done. Finally. I'm a thousands words short of the limit suggested in the outline, but if I add another chapter, I'll be a thousand words over. Epic sigh.

I have to workshop tomorrow, but that's all done and sorted. I just want to go first so I can head over to the costume shop before I have to go to work and pick up something for Halloween.

Now for screenwriting. Shudder. Let me compose a poem for the occasion :
Oh Screenwriting
How I loathe thee
Let me count the ways

Ugh.

I saw the trailer for The Spirit on E today…it was different to this one, but still amazing looking



Frank Miller’s style is just so…engaging.

Also, The Watchmen



I’ve heard a lot of hype surrounds this. Doesn’t look half bad really.

I like my comic book movies dark and demented. The only sueprhero/comic book movies I like are the ones with the tortured heroes…no superman or spiderman for me…and ok, I guess you can argue they are tortured too, in their ways. But all that red and blue! Black is the way to go people. Black like your sooooul.

Now I’m just being an idiot.

Hmm. I need sleep.

Music: Holiday - Green Day
Mood: Exhausted

Like brothers on a hotel bed

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting
Because I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident

On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete
In the city where we still resigned.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea-light navy men
Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides

...I'm not much of a Death Cab fan, but on a poetic level, that's really quite beautiful.

Music: The night
Mood: Pensive

This is how I'm supposed to be

I haven’t felt this disenfranchised in months. It’s funny, every time I think I’ve turned over a proverbial new leaf in my life, little tendrils curl around my ankle and remind me of their existence. I don’t know why I continue to delude myself; you cannot change fundamental aspects of your personality. It’s like stepping in gum, you’re walking along all fine and dandy then suddenly your foot catches and it’s all uncomfortable and annoying.

Thinking too much is not fun. Don’t listen to your teachers, kids. Be stupid and oblivious, blunder through life never leaving your suburban existence. It’s easier. There’s nothing out here, being clever and well read, informed and in-touch…it’s all highly overrated. There’s no satisfaction. And you know what’s funny, we all feel it. Not just mere mortals like me running around trying to have some vague show of a life, but people we admire. Artists, writers, musicians. Ah creative types. Says something doesn’t it.

Someone needs to do a scientific study on the link between disatisfaction and melancholy, and creative expression. I bet there’s a lot there. Most influential and revered creative people in the past were manic depressive and/or suicidal. Tragic really, to be able to capture the best (and worst) of humanity and never feeling satisfied. Never feeling a part of it. Never feeling like justice could be done to it. Just existing in a bubble of self imposed feelings of failure and disappointment.

Ah well. I ramble. Key is not to think about this stuff.

You have no idea what it’s like to live in this head of mine. Eloquence escapes me, words rendered useless and futile. And to think something I have unwittingly decided to dedicate my life to can be so utterly useless…always failing, stumbling at the edge, faltering on the fringes of coherency. Words always fail when they are most needed, when you need to get it all out there, to make sense of yourself. Can’t be done through words. The inside of my head is a wave of destruction, the clean up after the storm. It’s Kansas during tornado season. Sometimes you get lucky, and no storms hit, but they will come. They will tear it apart. Nothing will change that, it’s futile to fight nature.

I do believe I just freaked my dad out. I’m sitting at the dining room table in the vain hope it would inspire more productivity than the bomb site that is my room, and he decides to pop up behind me and see what I’m doing. Of course, it wasn’t uni work, oh no, I was trawling pages of Torchwood icons (because I am, and probably always will be, a total icon whore)…and being Torchwood, there were what my cousin would call “kissing icons” on the page. Cue his *confused face*. Poor thing. Being my parent must offer some unique challenges.

Mum sent me out to Flight Centre to pick up our Trafalgar things this afternoon. Soooo we’ve got the Europe tour and an Ireland tour. Well Ireland's first. I’m going to freeze my ass off, but it should be good. I’m new to the whole Coach tour experience, but it should be interesting. We’ll be in London for two days in between tours, so I can meet up with Abbi. Might possibly only be leaving on the 24th of December. Depends on ze flights.

Sigh.

Every part of me objects to having to do uni work. Bah.

Music: Jesus of Suburbia - Green Day
Mood: Apathetic is putting it mildly

Won't somebody please think of the children

At work. Blargh. Nothing to do. Double blargh.

I had a total Owen moment this morning.
"What is that smell?"
"That would be grass"
"It's disgusting!"

Mum watched the start of that episode with me the other day, and she was like "That sounds like you". Indeed. I always complain when we head into the wilderness and spend a great deal of my time running around with my phone in the air trying to get reception, when I'm not skulking around with my laptop looking for wifi hotspots that is. "No other race in the universe goes camping, celebrate your own uniqueness!". Ha. Not bloody likely. We didn't watch the whole ep tho. I had to skip it shortly after that because I realised it probably wasn't the best dinner time viewing.

Sometimes life can be so beautiful it makes your heart ache. Other times it seems like a collection of mediocre occurances and disappointments. There is more of the latter than of the former.

People getting old scares the hell out of me. I see them at work, all these frail, elderly people. It feels like just looking at them might push them over and break something. It makes my insides knot. It's unavoidable, inevitable, completely beyond control. I can't stand it.

Its one of the things that kill me about Torchwood. Jack might not be able to die, but perpetual aging! Gah. All that life and charisma to end up a giant withered face in a jar. Yay for virtual immortality o.o Even as a time lord, you'd be screwed eventually. Once you've regenerated your allocated amount of times...

Shudder.

As Brand New say, die young and save yourself.

Or become a vampire....or an elf. I love that elves can die of a broken heart, it's poetic. But then, I just love elves.

Damn fictional creations will be the death of me.

My left hand keeps going numb. It is exceedingly annoying.

God I exhaust myself.

Music: Traffic
Mood: Grumpy

Cuddling close to blankets and sheets

By some cruel act of fate things never present themselves to be ludicrously tempting when I'm feeling reckless, and dangerous. It's probably a good thing so I don't end up fucking up, but it's frustrating when irresponsibility courses through my veins and there is no outlet. Of course should such a oppportunity present itself I will be far too withdrawn in my anti-social self-imposed hermitism to even notice. Always happens. Never around when you need it. The universe enjoys mocking me.

Speaking of mocking, being a teenager is such a pain in the freaking ass. I had three at work today being all sullen and pissed off, griping and moaning, when thigns just aren't that bad. Of course, when you're a teen, everything is that bad. That's been scientifically proven too, something to do with chemical balances...as is usually the case.

It never fails to amaze me how disconnected I can feel to everything. Like I don't belong anywhere, and I can't be comforatble anywhere. Especially in a crowd of people...it's always easier to feel utterly alone when surrounded by people you just can't connect with. I see no way of this ever changing, of me every changing, I will always be this awkward, this shy and unsure. I will always struggle to find comfort and familiarity in things other people don't even seem to think about, normality. I will always be alone.

Last night was interesting. We went to Summit/Orbit bar. Revolving establishments never fail to amuse the masses. Dinner was good, although I always marvel at the big white plates they give you at fancy places with just a little heap of food in the middle. Good though. The hot chocolate souffle dessert in particular was fantastic. Spent the entire night next to Roze, leeching off her social skills. She doesn't understand the concept of "awkward" or "silence". Every conversation is run like an interview, every person she meets is immediately a friend. I can sit there and stare at the city lights, nodding and interjecting when I feel like it, and when the opportunity presents itself. People probably think I'm aloof and disinterested...really I'm just lost. Em's boyfriend is the loveliest guy I've ever met. We spent the entire night building his ego. He's good to her, she deserves it. Was slightly bizarre with half his friends being there, making us girls some of the oldest guests. Some girls from High School showed, that was a bit strange too. Still, Em had a good time. That was the point.

You know, I don't understand why people write fan fiction. I understand obsession, oh I understand that only too well. I get loving something so much, that it feels like your very existence is founded upon it. But things such as fan fiction, especially concerning bands or musicians or such, just seems so bizarre to me...from a writing perspective. Essentially, you are creating an image of what you think these people are like. Because you honestly have no idea. So, really, a whole character is constructed. So why not just think up a different name and viola, a different character. New. Shiny. And all yours. Even when it comes to writing fics based on fictional characters...you can never capture the character the way it was created...unless you were there for the pitches and the development and the story arcs and the what-have-yous...because you have to understand your character, the motivations, the back story, things that aren't necessarily obvious, but that the writers know about. When a group is writing, they all have to be on the same page, they have to know and love those characters like family...the way Abbi and I love our ESM boys. And you know, if someone wrote a fic on those characters, they wouldn't capture it properly, it woulnd't feel right to us. That's always nagged it me, the few times I've read fan fics...the way the characters just felt a bit...off. Regardless of how good stylistically the writer is. And I don't understand why you'd do that, put in all that effort to write all this stuff about characters that sure, maybe you love, but you don't really understand - not the way the writers do - and that you very, very rarely have a chance of capturing properly. You might as well start an orignal work, sure it might have a slightly "ripped off" feeling about it, but everything is a rip off of something else, at least this way it's yours. Completely. And there's nothing to "measure" it against.

*shrugs*

Maybe that's just me. According to wikipedia though "fan fiction, as it is now understood, began at least as early as the 17th century, with unauthorized published sequels to such works as Don Quixote". That in itself is kind of amusing since Cervantes' novel was itself a send-up of romantic period literature.

Anyway...

Here's a little known fact, Jasper hates livejournal. Part of the reason I decided to blog here instead...what's the point of having a sidekick if it's going to object to where I blog.

I wrote "retconned" on a patient's medical card today cause I wasn't paying attention.

I'm such a geek.

I still havent worked on my novel writing piece. Better do it tomorrow.

I'm so apathetic it isn't funny. And melancholic.

Keep the blood in your head
And keep your feet on the ground.
Today's the day it gets tired.
Today's the day we drop down.
Give up my body in bed.
All for an empty hotel.
Wasting words on lowercases and capitals

Music: The Quiet Screaming - Brand New/Dashboard Confessional mash up
Mood: Disappointed

Now who here among us still believe in choice

1,276 words. Right then, well I am screwed aren't I? Oh well, more important things to attend to.

Hair blowdried - check
Nails painted - check
Blood red lips - check
Bag of books to return - check
Presents - check
Birthday card - check
Sense of excitment - check

Tonight, we say no to nothing.

Music: Ocean of noise - The Arcade Fire
Mood: Mischievous

The hands of time could never move again

It is 11.04pm and I have written 296 words of Chapter 3 which I'm doing for submission. That's oh, what, 0.5% of what I'm supposed to have? Well done, Jen, well done *slow clapping*

I'd go to bed and say I'd get up early but I know that's never going to happen...I do my best work after midnight. I don't know why I bother even trying to get anything done before sunset...well I guess I don't, just the procrastination gets done. Sigh.

I want to wrap myself in Stephen Christian's voice. Much like a blanket in fact, warm and comfortable.

"What a cosmic joke, eye candy. An accident of chemicals and evolution. The jokes, the sex - just to cover the fact that nothing means anything. And the only consolation is money."

Music: Inevitable - Anberlin
Mood: Still stressed

I'm reaching out for something, touching nothing is all I ever do

The silence was like barrier in the unfamiliar house. I suddenly wanted to do anything but saunter out into its big unknown. At least I knew the study, I knew there was nothing hiding in the shadows. Who knew what we would find in the rest of the rooms? Still, I couldn’t let Pete know that.
He followed me out into the hall, still complaining about how pointless he thought it all was, but I ignored him. It was better that he kept talking, at least then the silence wasn’t so threatening.
“So where first, Sherlock?” he asked, smiling, “The kitchen? I could go for a snack.”
“Sure, if you know where the kitchen is.”
We hesitated in the long hall. It had the same high ceiling as the study. A single light cast only a dull glow and the far side of the hall to faded into darkness.
Right. Not creepy at all then.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Stupid uni. Does NOT want.

I haven't been able to do freaking anything today. I don't want to write stupid novel writing thing, I'm over it. I don't want to re-draft stupid screenwriting thing either. The only thing I'd be vaguely interested in working on is Children's Fiction but of course, that's already done. Ugh. So yeah, I have to write 5,000 words to submit on Monday and since I'm heading out tomorrow it has to be done now.

What did you think I did today? I watched Law & Order and Wayne's World. As always, productivity abounds.

Oh god and I still have to do my Honours proposal...

Feeble brain!

Music: Ballroom Blitz - The Sweet
Mood: Stressed

Every mountain scaled for you

I have done nothing.

Nothing.

There are only two words adequate for this situation. You guessed it. Epic. Fail.

Although technically I haven't done nothing, I re-arranged my flair board on Facebook. That is something, meagre and pathetic, but something.

I have however not done any uni work, and again failed to acquire a Halloween outfit.

But hey, the surgery is closed tomorrow so I figured I can write my piece for novel writing then...I have to have it by Monday so Ally can do her review of it...and I have to do hers. I completely forgot about that assignment. I hate the sneaky ones that you forget about then suddenly, bam, you have actual work to do. It's outrageous.

Hm. Children's writing is done. Just going to hand in the first chapter. That's been done since the second week of uni. I have the whole story neatly planned out in my head so I can explain it for workshopping too. So that's really not a problem.

Which leaves Screenwriting. Woe. I should have written the vampire script. Grumble. I kinda wish I hadn't taken Screenwriting this semester. I was so excited because of the whole Amped thing, and in general I've always had a bit of a soft spot for scripts. But all I've come to conclude from this class is that Screenwriting really isn't my thing. It's too repetitive, pedantic, structured and annoying. It's a form in which everything has been made as difficult as it can possibly be. Writing comes naturally to me, when I'm in that space, I just write without thinking, it doesn't even feel like a cognitive process...but with scripts, I don't know. Now that I know the theory and rules and regulations, I can't simply distill the writing into script form like I was doing before. I'm sitting there, thinking, oh shit, I write this now but it's going to have to be rewritten a thousand times, condensed and expanded into pitches and treatments, blah blah blah. It's no wonder it takes people so long to write scripts. I feel like Frodo having to set off and destroy the ring. I don't like it. It's hard; it feels like work; and I don't want to do it anymore. And that sucks, because what am I meant to do with Amped? We've created this whole universe, and I love those characters like they're real people and I want to do something with them, but I cannot get my mind back into the right frame to write these scripts. I'm thinking maybe it should be redone in novella form. A series of books. Older teen audience maybe, same one as the tv show would have been marketed at. Or maybe I just need time to get over the academia inspired horror. Guess we'll see.

So anyway, obsession of the week. There be two! First up, 'Sex on fire' by the Kings of Leon. This song is some sort of orally transmitted disease. It gets in your head and rots there. Pleasant. I know a lot of people can't stand it, but I'm really quite fond of it. In fact, I'm quite fond of the whole new album. I can listen to it continually without even caring. This is a first since my tolerance of KOL is fairly limited (and I'm sorry, but Caleb looks mentally unstable with short hair). It's a lot more accessible than some of their older stuff...and I guess that's why many hardcore fans aren't to keen on it. In fact, I think 'Only by the night' is sexy. Can't tell you why, but hey, what else is new.



My other obsession is Ianto Jones, Torchwood character. Oh, how I have angsted over poor Ianto this week. He's this adorable, sarcastic, awkward guy with some emo moments, and he can be really funny...and I just want to hug him. I want him to be loved and to be happy because he deserves it, and yet at the same time there's a little voice in the back of my head that says it's never going to happen. As Lizzie said, he's probably going to die a horrible, horrible death. And you know what, it's going to break my heart. He's my favourite (other than Jack, but that is unavoidable thanks to the 51st century pheromones and all). I think part of it is just being able to relate to him because hell, I'm a sarcastic, awkward receptionist with emo moments too...and I'm constantly appearing at the desk from where I was lurking in the back room or making coffee or getting people organised *shrugs*. Oh and I love how he constantly verges on homicidal rampages whenever Jack is caught or trapped or whatever. The stupid boy would probably take a bullet for him and how counter-productive would that be. I just think he's adorable. End of story. And the moral of this said story is simple, and one we all know, I become far too emotionally invested in fictional creations. But reality is yet to provide me with anything even vaguely as entertaining.



Prove me wrong reality, prove me wrong.

Although, I have to point out, my obsessing isn't really that fangirly. I mean I've read things and seen things posted by real fangirls, and really, I can't compete with that. We manage to remain functioning normally 99% of the time...the only exception might be that time Lizzie and I dived behind the stuffed toy rack when we ran into Mikey Way...but I blame that on shock and sleep deprivation...ah good times.

Random quote for the day : I think I just invented the banana daiquiri a couple of centuries early. Do you know they'd never seen a banana before? Always take a banana to a party, Rose, bananas are good.

Music: Resounding - Say Anything
Mood: Listless

So put on your face and let's pretend

I never get used to seeing the shadows under my eyes. You'd think I would, but when I get up in the morning and I see the dark, purplish shades in the mirror, I'm still a bit taken aback. I really hope sooner or later I get used to being such a zombie. Sometimes I think maybe I should make more of an effort, I see girls in the city and I just don't try that hard. Maybe I should actually, I don't know, blow dry my hair, wear make-up, pay attention to what I'm wearing. I just roll out of bed into the first thing I can find, brush my hair, grab some lip gloss, end of story. From resisting the urge to hurl my alarm against the wall and piling into the car takes 10 minutes (and that includes coffee and making my bed). Half the time I'm not even fully awake yet. I hate mornings too much to care about what I look like for the rest of the day. It's disgraceful.

I also possibly need to curb my ranting. I'm not entirely sure the level of annoyance I can reach in a short amount of time is healthy. From content to severly annoyed in 0.1 seconds. Sigh.

I sat down with mum last night and explained to her that I cannot be harrassed every time I am 10 minutes late. In an hour or whatever, if they want to check up on me, fair enough, but to have six missed calls because I'm not home at exactly the time I usually am, is ridiculous. She concurred. It's not that I don't appreciate them looking out for me, but I just feel I can't live my life by a schedule someone else has for me. But that's just my father for you. Still he's probably deeply offended by it all. Epic. Sigh.

Ally's gotten into Say Anything. She arrived in class yesterday with her laptop to play the vid for 'Wow, I can get sexual too' (Funny thing, she asked me why he called it the interweb and I was a bit preplexed, "What you never refer to the interwebz?", Must be a geek/board thing). I spent the time flapping in that 'I TOLD you so' way I have. Also loudly, and repeatedly, declared my love of Max for all to hear. The boy is crazy, but that's the point isn't it? He's like an antihero. Say Anything kicks some serious ass, cannot wait to see them at Soundwave.

Oh shit, soundwave! The tickets go on sale today...better get on that. Trusty credit card, fucking up my finances one gig at a time. I need to get rid of that thing, seriously, as Abbi would say, it is the devil.

I have so much to do but trying to do any of it feels like such a momentous task, so I do nothing instead. Way to be productive!

I'm freezing at work right now, cannot feel my toes. I hope it warms up before Sunday or I'm going to be royally screwed. Em's having her 21st birthday thingo, first it's dinner with her close friends (me, her bf, Roze) and then it's drinks with a bunch of other people. Dinner is semi-formal though so I've pulled out my trusty black halter dress and the new wedges...but as always, formal wear and bad weather really, really do not go well together. I'm actually quite looking forward to it - getting dressed up, hanging out, meeting new people. I'm just in the mood to be someone else for a bit.

Lizzie just sent me a quote from our new state premier - "It's like being in love. If you think you're in love, you're in love. If you think you're in traffic, you're in traffic." Riiight. Politicians. They just fill you with confidence don't they.

Don't blame me, I voted for Saxon.

It's a Doctor thing, don't worry about it.

This blog has helped me waste thirty minutes of my working day, leaving me with another two to kill. There has got to be a better way to go through life...

Music: The Killing Lights - AFI
Mood: Lazy

What do you have to say for yourself?

Holy crap but my parents can get on my nerves. I think my father is now officially not talking to me because I did not have time to stand around making pointless small talk when I stopped at home earlier. I quite frankly do not have the energy to get into arguments with my parents at the moment, I simply do not care enough. Also, there are gale force winds out there, if he can't figure out it was the wind blowing the door shut and not me slamming it, that's not my problem. I don't have the fucking patience for this clingy bullshit. Seriously, I'm running late and I've got enough to think about, the last thing I want to worry about is having to call my parents and tell them that I've caught a later train and will be ten minutes late. Oh my god a whole ten minutes, the world must be ending. It's not even their fucking problem, I get home, grab some stuff, and go to work. How does this in any way even effect them? If there was something wrong I'd fucking call, wouldn't I? The weather is psychotic, people are annoying fuckers, and I don't want to stand around trying to call them while getting blown off the platform. Days like this are just shit and it all adds up to running late. That. Is. It. I was late. Big deal. Jesus. And they're still fucking calling me! Just leave me alone! Must I alert them to all my movements? I am nearly twenty one, I can look after myself, I don't harrass them all the fucking time! It's more like "Huh, you're late", "yep". End of story. Its my father, he's a nutcase. If he gets any more clingy I will be forced to get a stun gun. It will drive me MAD.

I'm actually quite pissed off. Especially considering that they're now mad at me, for nothing! Just because I didn't inform them of this miniscule pointless detail of a generally shit day, suddenly its a big deal. A betrayal of trust or some other parental blackmailing tool, probably something along the lines of "we just love you and want to be a part of your life but you don't want to talk to us." No, I do not want to talk to you about missing my train. Sometimes I do, but today I didn't. I just wanted to sit on the platform listening to Max Bemis rant while reading my book and trying not to freeze, without it resulting in some sort of one sided argument. If I wanted to talk to you about it, if indeed I felt it was necessary to talk about it, I would have called. Gah!

Honestly why must everything be a big fucking production? This would never be an issue if I lived by myself. I'd be running late and there'd be no one to notice or care and unconciously make it worse.

Don't even get me started on what a huge waste of time these remaining classes are...

Ugh. I need a holiday.

Music: Admit It - Say Anything
Mood: Frustrated

They dance like it's the end of the world

Some days it's not worth getting out of bed. The key is listening to that little voice in your head that tells you to go back to sleep when you wake up. This is especially true if its raining. But hey, I had to drag my ass to uni, whether I wanted to or not. I did it in typical emo flair, black and red and my leather jacket. Good call on the hoodie/jacket combo because it was freezing! Will the sun just expand already so I'm not cold anymore?

First issue was purchasing the wrong book for the woman at mum's work. Epic. Fail. All this buying her son's study guides is beginning to frustrate me. He doesn't care woman! Grumble.

Second issue was getting soaked walking to uni...and then having to workshop. At least they approved of my dialogue and the interaction which is good. They said it sounded more like a set-up for a feature...which figures since that's exactly what it is, a set-up. So I don't know what I'm gonna do, will have to rework it I guess. Sigh.

Spent a lot of the class lusting after the actor. Actors are evil, they know how to work things. He does this thing where he talks to you, looks you straight in the eye and then smiles. And he has this great open smile. Also we thought the same thing of one of the scripts - that the best friend of the protagonist was actually in love with him. I thought it was just the Torchwood getting to me, but then he was like "He's so lusting after his friend." See, I am not insane! Mwahaha.

After class I took the bus to Eastgardens. BIG MISTAKE. Too much walking in freezing gale force winds to and from bus stop. Did however purchase Supernatural for Roze's consolation bday gift; a pair of gorgeous wedges; a Rimmel pack; and a box of chocolates and Rimmel clutch for Em. Oh I also got her this fantastic diary from Kikki K (which I want for myself) that's called 365. It has blank pages, numbered from 1 to 365, and the point is you should write down a quote or song or saying or paste a picture or cutout or whatever that relates/reminds you of what that day was like. I think it's brilliant. Waaaants.

So conclusion : spent far too much money, walked far too much, and felt far too cold.

Am feeling generally unimpressed with things and exhausted.

I'm going to curl up under a blanket and watch some you know what...Mum watched two episodes with me last night, 'Small Worlds' and 'Greeks bearing gifts'. I spent the entire morning drive explaining the link between Doctor Who and Torchwood to her. I don't know if she really cared, but she listened. She's good like that, having patience with my obsessions. She just corrected me - she says she cares about things that matter me...even if she doesn't always get it. Well whatever, television to be consumed...

Music: Boys & Girls - Kill Hannah
Mood: Slightly discontented

Painting faces, building places I can't reach

You know what grates me? When I'm reading something on a music blog or on the AP forums or such and there are comments like "If you were a real fan, you wouldn't say that" or "I miss the old days when there were real fans", blah blah. Hmm really. Shut the hell up. "Real fans" don't run around telling other people they're "real fans" and how much others suck. Oh no, they just suffer in silence dutifully picking up all the slack around the edges. I sincerely doubt your claim to "real" fandom.

Grumble.

I spent the entire morning messaging Lizzie while catching up on music gossip. Three cheers for Jasper! I might have died from boredom otherwise. I don't know how we can go from being so busy one day to barely seeing anyone the next. Human beings are anything but consistent. Much like the weather.

I feel like a wind up toy walking into a brick wall. Having to do something but getting nowhere.

In other news, I am being stalked by the Lone Ranger. Ever since I came across an article that stated Johnny Depp has been cast as Tonto in the remake, I've been seeing it everywhere. My mum and I regularly have a discussion regarding this casting and the Lone Ranger in general, since I find the whole set-up extremely dubious (why does he wear a mask, honestly, it's bizarre). There was even a reference to the Lone Ranger in Torchwood. Then while looking through my travel book, there was a blurb on it...and I read another article this morning that randomly mentioned it. It's so strange how you can go for a long time never hearing about something and then suddenly, it's everywhere. Popular Culture. It's a mystery.


I'm currently supposed to be a) purchasing gifts for Em, b) tracking down a Halloween costume, c) buying study book for woman at mum's work, d) getting new present for Roze. I have decided to do none of these things. Oh well.

I have to workshop tomorrow. UGH. I'm trying not to thing about it lest I have a nervous breakdown. I hate the thought of actual professionals reading my script. The only thing I've gotten out of this subject is the realisation that scriptwriting probably isn't my thing. As always, I'm also doubting the quality of my work and thus fearing rejection, as I consider the quality to be both lacking and the subject matter irrelevant and juvenile. Self doubt is my oldest friend.

Listening to my iPod yesterday, I realised there are so many songs I love that I completely forget about until I hear them again. "Resounding" by Say Anything, for example. Now it is true that pretty anything that band does is amazing, but there is something about 'Resounding' that particularly resonates with me. It's a bit sad, a bit sweet, and utterly loveable. Even though it is off the 'Baseball' album that Max pretty much disowned. Another one of these songs is "I'm a heart Watson, the rest of me is mere appendix" by Forgive Durden. In typical FD style, the title plays on a quote from Sherlock Holmes, with the original having 'brain' in place of 'heart'. I can forgive Thomas anything because everything is just so epic, symbolic, complicated and intertextual. I love nicely done intertextuality. Plus the boy is clearly well read. I just think this song is utterly beautiful. Couldn't tell you why though, but if I remember my Music and Popular Culture class correctly, that's the way it's supposed to be. Adequately describing art and such is notoriously difficult. There's an excellent quote in Nick Hornby's 31 Songs about that very thing, but I can't be bothered finding the book right now to look it up. It's in the Aimee Mann chapter though. Good stuff.

I really should stop rambling though.

Music: Use Somebody - Kings of Leon
Mood: Bored

I still believe that I cannot be saved

What an indescribably huge waste of time. I can't believe I got up for this. And bloody mohawk boy wasn't even there. Like I said - Waste.Of.Time. Am on the train home, left in the break - I DON'T CARE. God. We keep repeating ourselves, hardly anyone shows up, and personally I've never found workshopping to be all that useful. So I figure I'd rather go home and write my piece for submission as opposed to wasting everyone's time.

My tutor is however insane, so she might bite my head off. Shall email when I get home as counter measure.

I was eavesdropping on some conversations earlier and I now have my doubts over securing a supervisor for Honours. I better write that proposal this weekend and send it off to the guy I want. He might go for it, who knows.

Some days the only thing that makes sense in this world, that grounds me and makes me feel less insane and out of place, is Green Day.

That said, my soul has the temprament of a Brand New song. Those are the qualities of the thoughts that hide in the quiet recess of my mind.

Oh and it happened again last night. Checking the discussion board for any novel workshopping pieces, what do I spy at the bottom of the screen but J. Harkness' piece. He must have done the subject last semester. It's a sci fi piece too. Ironic. Surely the boy must realise...

Ah well, whatever. I'm so frustrated with everything at the moment.

I want to go to the Impressionist exhibit at the state gallery this week. I'm rather fond of impressionist art, it has an element of tranquility to it. Perhaps Wednesday. Gives me something other than fucking workshopping to focus on. Fuck knows I'm going to be stressed enough for Screenwriting, I need all the incentive I can get to actually go to class.

Grumble.

-

It's quite exciteable.
Must be your aftershave.
Never wear any.
You smell like that naturally?
Fifty first century pheromones. You people have no idea.

Music: Bullet with Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins
Mood: Annoyed

If life had background music

It's not that I hang on every word,
I hang myself on what you mean,
It's not that I keep hanging on,
I'm never letting go

Save me from myself

Things are going to change now for the better

Music: Dismantle. Repair - Anberlin
Mood: Wistful

Living your life in a dream

Today was spent in zombie like blur. Mostly because I'm too tired to function and my brain is just fried. I don't want to think anymore. I'm still dizzy which is getting on my nerves, so really something must be done. Will look into it tomorrow. I went to the Base Warehouse with mum to check out their Halloween stuff...not as good as last year. Grocery shopping. Flapping at my dad after he enquired about Torchwood, don't think he'll make that mistake again. Hm. Life is exciting, isn't it?

It was so nice out, now the weather appears to be changing. Storms on the way. Parents have taken Oreo to the beach...bad timing.

I bought green apple scented oil today...it's very...summery? I prefer the peppermint cause it's really refreshing, but no harm in trying something different.

God I don't want to go to uni tomorrow. I'm so sick of workshopping. I suck at it, it's pointless. I have a hard enough time keeping my eyes open atm as it is, so I guess really need to sleep tonight.

Holy crap, Cliffhanger is on tv...AGAIN. Honestly, if it's not Rambo it's Cliffhanger, surely there are other movies out there...

Music: Kid - The Living End
Mood: Apathetic

We'll dance alone to the tune of your death

ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod

What now? This is ridiculous. I cannot believe I'm reacting this way. Utterly INSANE. Am I meant to live with the angst and anticipation now? How can they do this to me?

Seriously tho, I'm going insane aren't I?

I know my mother thinks so. I went in earlier all WOE! and she didnt even look up, being all "oh it'll work out", and thereby totally missing the point. No mother, it will not work out. Forgetting everything that just happened, I have to wait till next year, for a five part freaking mini-series, and then who knows, maybe nothing. Absolutely nothing. There are unresolved issues, what I meant to do with them?

Yep no totally going insane. Not healthy at all. I know this, and yet here I still am.

Ok no, I seriously think I'm stressing myself out. Either that or I really am sick again. So much for the Cordal tables. I suspect my blood pressure is through the roof...all day I've been feeling it pulsing, it's like I can feel my heart pumping, going into my brain. It's disturbing actually.

Ugh.

Still can't quite believe I'm reacting this way. Oh well, move along as they say.

Have a shower, grab some dinner, take deep breaths...

And never again, and never again
They gave us two shots to the back of the head
And we're all dead now...

Music: I never told you what I did for a living - My Chemical Romance
Mood: Sad. Yep, just a little bit.

You keep the air in my lungs

Oh.My.God. Second season of Torchwood is utterly hilarious. Such great lines. It's Ianto! That kind of dry wit kicks ass. And really, you can never go wrong with a Star Wars hologram joke - "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope." I didn't want to stop watching last night, I kept pushing myself. At the same time I'm having a "Woe!" moment cause once this is done, well that's it. No more. What am I going to do with myself? It's not fair! I got up to episode 6, I didn't want to stop with the 'Adam' ep tho because really, my poor heart. Jack's past is so Anakin/Luke Skywalker-ish tho...Tatooine! Fantastic. Ah poor Jack. Poor me. I'm losing my mind.

Oreo has no sympathy, woke me up at 8 even tho I only gave in to sleep at 3. It's too damn early! Had to get up and accompany mum to Flight Center to book our tour. One thing done at least. Amsterdam, Mannheim, Lucerne, Paris, London. New places and old favourites, win. Possibly doing an Irish tour too, but we haven't decided yet. Also had to clean the house. Everything seems extra mediocre after you've spent 5 hours in wonderful surreal sci-fi world. Reality never fails to disappoint.

I forgot to have an obsession of the week yesterday, so making up for it now. It's going to have to be Sam's Town. That is, the second studio album of Vegas rockers The Killers. I've been listening to it obsessively all week. Brandon Flowers said the album was meant to capture chronologically everything important that got him to where he was at the time. After listening to it a couple of times, I can really see that. There's a sense of progression and growth in it, and for some reason, I easily relate to it. It just conjures up great imagery and emotions without it seeming to conciously try. I've been especially taken with 'For Reasons Unknown' lately, listening to it on repeat, but previously 'Read My Mind' and 'When You Were Young' received the same treatment. Or should that be the same level of adoration? I also love 'Bling', 'This River is Wild' and 'Why do I keep counting?'. It's all in the mixture of being catchy and having lines like "Should I just get along with myself, I never did get along with anybody else", I simply can't resist.



Hm.

I feel so...
Oh I don't even know.
I want to live in this song.
I want to feel. Intensely.
Beauty and freedom and art and love.
All the parts of humanity that doesn't fill you with revulsion.
I. Just. Want.

Music: How I go - Yellowcard
Mood: Relaxed

Better cover your tracks

Well that was a disaster. I knew that it was taking too long to give Roze her bday present, and in the meantime she's actually gotten the two tv seasons I bought her...I can't exchange them cause the tags are off, so that means I now have Buffy and Angel, and I really don't care about it all that much. Sigh. And I have to get her something else now...think it'll probably be more tv shows, Brothers and Sisters, Everwood, something like that. I told her I'm taking her shopping for Christmas, once we're both back from overseas, that way we can avoid this happening again. She just knows too many people! It's insane.

We got Em a huuuge Oroton bag that she will hopefully love. I just need to get her something smaller now to go with it and then that's done.

Got the second of season of Torchwood. Why fight the inevitable? While at JB, I also got my dad the new AC/DC album. Which was probably a mistake because he's now listening to it and I cannot hear myself think. Seriously, next time I buy an album I'm going to take over the living room hi-fi as well and blast it through the house *shakes head* He's such a fanboy...that's where I get it from. It's not bad tho...I mean hell, how old are they now?

Mission for the weekend - harass Sydney's costume shops.

Music: Black Ice - AC/DC
Mood: Energetic

Eyes for striking

I shouldn't be blogging. Really. I only woke up an hour and fifteen minutes ago. Nothing has happened to warrant a blog. I don't even have anything to ramble about in that nonsensical way I do...and yet, here I am. Because I am BORED. Work is boring. Completely and utterly boring. How did I ever live without Jasper to distract me? And of course, Abbi's gone away so there's no one on MSN, she usually makes time go faster. Everyone else is at work/uni. I didn't even bring a book to read under the desk in the sneaky way I have perfected. Mostly because the book I'm reading is too big to pull this off effectively...The Dresden Files books on the other hand are the perfect size, so that's why I got through them so quickly.

Epic. Sigh.

I hate being bored. It's moments like these I really start feeling like I'm losing my grip on sanity.

To add to this wonderfully exciting start to the day, I woke up with a sore throat of unswallowable proportions (I am a writing student, I'm allowed to make up words). This is extra annoying cause I was feeling so good yesterday. Why can't I just be happy and healthy for a bit? I blame the green guy from yesterday. I've started taking cold tablets just in case - he was really sick and I don't need that, thanks.

I wanted to finish episode 5 of Amped last night but I didn't. I'm finding it really hard to write actually...just coming up with bits. It's strange, I thought it would be a lot easier at this point.

Most of my uni work is done. I just need to workshop and "re-draft" so that they think I listen to what they're saying. The only real thing I have to do is my Honours proposal. That's a whole bundle of laughs, that is.

Judging by the dreams I had last night, my subconcious has taken a dodgy turn for the worst. I now also have the All American Rejects song 'Dance Inside' stuck in my head, and you know that's quite a dodgy song. Catchy as hell tho.

You know what, I can ramble like it's nobody's business...

And I'll be fine, you'll be fine
Is this fine? I'm not fine
Give me pieces, give me things to stay awake

Music: Dance Inside - the voices in my head
Mood: Distracted

I said you goddamn kids have nothing on me

I had my first quadruple shot Latte from Starbucks this morning. Those extra shots are well worth it. I was quite wired for the first half of class there and it takes a lot of caffiene to get me in that state.

I needed it tho because at six am the neighbourhood went into NOISE mode. Trucks were honking, cars screeching, and birds were making weird cat-like noises (I said it was a cat but mum said it was a bird). Couldn't sleep at all. I don't know what the hell had gotten into everything but I suggest it goes away.

Other than that (and probably thanks to the caffiene hit), the morning was quite gleetastic. First I had to stop myself laughing hysterically on the bus because the 'Torchwood SUV' was following us into the city. Then in class, we had to workshop again but it wasn't so bad this time. Besides last night while innocently checking my email, I received one from a J. Harkness...nearly had a heart attack. Turns out that's one of the guys in my class, I just never knew. Anyway, he was workshopping today and his piece is about this gang of boys (12 year olds, its Children's Fiction after all), and he kept saying things like 'I want him to be more intimate with Oscar....ok maybe intimate is not the right word' and stuff like that. But no one notices it sounds a bit weird until he corrects himself. So my brain was having a lovely amusing time with the Harkness and his innuendo. I mean really, how appropriate. People also kept giving him suggestions, such as "setting it during the London Blitz and then having this gang of kids running around" and my brain is going GLEE! Are you my mummy? So anyway, point is, your obsessions will get you committed if you aren't careful.

Speaking of, walked to stupid military surplus store TWICE today and it was closed both times. Thought I'd have trouble finding it this morning, but the goths hanging around outside helped. That's when I got onto the Starbucks, at least wanted something for my time. Must've been closed for lunch this afternoon *grumbles* I'm going shopping with Roze tomorrow for Em's bday, so I might drag her up there afterwards. See how time goes.

Hm. Work is not very eventful. I had a guy come in the other day who did security on the Rolling Stones' world tour. That's pretty sweet. The guy who's in here now looks a little green... *gets out garlic and holy water* I'm feeling a lot better today thanks, I don't need any other sickness or weird diseases just now.

Two hours and counting...

Oh great, of course 50 people show up at the same time. Gah.

Does not waaaaant.

Music: Speak low, if you speak love - My American Heart
Mood: Silly

My plug in baby crucifies my enemies

See, this is when my parents frustrate me. They're always throwing stuff out that I later notice in photos or whatever and desperately want. I had the realisation earlier that my dad, having served in the air force, obviously had a uniform and I have seen a hat lying around, so I proceeded to ask him where he is keeping said uniform...well he didn't keep it. Oh no, why would he do that? Damn it! His response to my appalled expression was "Oh hey, you could have been wearing it now." Thanks for that, dad. Really, thanks. Of course I'm sure my uncle still has his stuff but fat lot of good that does me. Also, both my mother's grandfathers served in the air force during the second World War, but again, not very useful and anyway, I sincerely doubt my grandfather would let me have priceless family heirlooms to indulge my Halloween fangirlish impulses. Not that I wouldn't wear it under normal circumstances, I love the military style. I've already owned two military jackets. But still, can't really expect him to let me run around in the stuff...

Sigh.

Then my parents wonder why I hoard....you never know when you might need that sequined padded vest....and yes, I'm kidding, I don't have a sequined padded vest...I do have an abundance of jackets though...

Music: Plug In Baby - Muse
Mood: Tired

I have a banana and in a pinch you can put up some shelves

I have sound! Beautiful, beautiful sound! Woohoo. Love those IT guys.

Does put a nice silver tint to the day after spending it comatose on the couch watching Doctor Who. I think I managed to get some mild food poisoning cause when I got home last night I felt pretty damn bad - nausea, headache, fever. I spent the whole day today just lying down cause every time I moved I felt far too dizzy to justify even attempting it. Now I have to workshop next week. Grumble. Still, managed to finish season one, so it wasn't a total loss - and I saw a Doctor (haha see what I did there huh huh *nudges* God I'm lame). Three people appear in it that also appear in Torchwood, different characters though. Although I feel slightly apprehensive about one of the appearances. But then I'm probably just reading too much into it. At the end of the day it's simple...gotta love Captain Jack (Captain Jacks in general in fact). And David Tennant, I mean come on. The love he inspires in that last episode even though he's only there for like two seconds..."new teeth". Glee. He's just fantastic.

As for yesterday, before the stupid sickness, it was good. Hanging out. Messing around. Nerding out. We made plans for Halloween and that's always good.

I'm so annoyed the military coat I was eyeing on ebay was removed and I can't contact the seller. Damn it! I really had my heart set on it as well! *shakes fist*

So I ran with the devil
Left a trail of excuses
Like a stone on the water
The elements decide my fate...
...I get my glory in the desert rain

Music: Bling - The Killers
Mood: Deathly

For reasons unknown

God these children drive me mad. I loathe it when I see them looming into the drive way. And I know I shouldn't blame them for their mother's incompetence, but they are so fucking annoying, they really make me want to shoot myself. Today she left them out in reception with me while she saw the Doc, and they proceeded to draw over everything. They also kept rummaging around my drawers, yelling, talking to me while I'm on the phone, and trying to jam things in the shredder. This is not the first time I have had to resist the urge to slap them. Last time she left them inside while talking on the phone outside for twenty minutes, loudly bitching over their dad who she's divorcing, and they ran around screaming and throwing things. All four terrors. The kids already have issues, you can tell. So yeah, I know I shouldn't blame them, but really, they drive me insane. Sticking rusted nails in my foot would be less painful. I can't tell them off because then the mother would be all "how dare you, they're my children" and I can't slap them because in modern society that's apparantly cruel...but if you ask me it's self defence. Defence for my sanity!

Gah.

Speaking of aggression, nearly got myself into a whole lot of trouble today. Luckily I act a lot more bad ass and dangerous that I am. I'm pretty sure I can hold my own in a fight but I'm not spectacular...and I defintely don't want to try it out. I've mostly gotten away with glowering and threats, small shows of low level violence, and no ones ever pushed me further. But I think I might have bitten off more than I can chew if it wasn't in a busy public place. I can't help it. I get angry and then I don't think about what I'm doing. And I don't like bullies. Its the way I was raised. There were these leb guys having a go at a gay couple minding their own damn business and I told them to fuck off and get a grip on reality. I went to school with guys like that, they don't scare me, wannabe thugs *scoffs*. That's not to say they appreciated my input very much. But honestly this is the 21st century, they're not hurting anyone or inconveniencing anyone, so let them be. The idiots obviously turned their grammatically incorrect attacks to me which I found quite amusing and that only annoyed them more. Luckily their loud mouth idiotic behaviour hadn't just been annoying me, and some other people told them to shut the hell up too. As is the case with bullies, once contested and outnumbered they run away with their tails between their legs like the cowards they are. I don't know why I often have these lapses in brain function where I feel the need to do this intefering thing, its happened at school a few times, that time in Parramatta when I yelled at these beefy blokes for abusing an emo boy, the my chem concert with the water debacle. There must be something wrong with me. I blame my mother.

Class today was pointless as expected. I did get my first chapter assignment back tho, distinction. I feel kinda bad cause other people in class were having a tough time and here I am getting a distinction when I don't even really like the way I wrote it and I didn't even put in that much effort. Oh well. Workshopping was utter shambles as expected, I didn't even get to go. She just ignores me. Even when she did the one on one, I got two seconds while everyone else had like ten minute consultations. Shrugs.

I am having so much fun watching Ally obsess over Twilight. I don't think she's ever obsessed over anything before (or not to this extent where it takes up all your energy so that when you aren't engaged in it you feel restless and bored), so it's all new to her. She's got that whole "I feel like an idiot, but god its fantastic" psychotic behaviour going. It is fantastic. Being a natural obsessive, I can't remember not obsessing over something or other, so to see it take hold first hand is quite interesting. It was funny tho, we are both sitting in class with her moaning she could be reading and me moaning that I could be watching Doctor Who.

I think Mohawk boy might like me. I caught him looking at me three times in class today. Either that or he thinks my Doctor Who comments are deranged. I'm chosing to go with the former. Silly boy. Why can't he make conversation? I give him every opportunity, hell I was even sketching the operation ivy logo in my notebook today and I know he saw it. Grumbles. Stupid social awkwardness.

I'm laptop-less tonight, having finally packed it off to mum's IT department. They think its the sound card. I just hope they can fix it.

Hm. I'm thinking maybe I should get a tutoring job, make some extra cash. English and writing. Easy.

But my heart it don't beat it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don’t kiss, they don’t kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don’t recognize you at all.

Music: This river is wild - The Killers
Mood: Satisfied

They can shoot me dead...

...but the moral high ground is mine!

Sigh.

There is nothing better than sitting around being a nerd all day. That's exactly what I did this lovely Sunday after epically failing driving to Lizzie's place - missed my exit and didn't notice until about 15 minutes later because I was having too much fun driving and singing along. Like I said, epic fail. But once there all was well. Picked up where we left off last Wednesday with the final two eps of Doctor Who Season 2. Ugh the sadness. It tied up some stuff mentioned in Torchwood so I had a few 'aaaaaah right' moments. I love how everything links up. So yes, good times. I borrowed season 1 too so that will hopefully keep me busy and distracted for a while in my Torchwood-less state...I started rewatching it yesterday much to my mother's dismay.

Of course I might actually focus on my last four weeks of uni and oh I don't know, writing my honours proposal but heeeeey, whatever. Sometimes it's really disturbing how much more fulfilling fandom can be compared to real life. Uni does not inspire glee, nor is there random banana references. Tsk tsk.

That said, I really should find all those stupid photocopies I made before the break for novel writing workshop...which I'm doing tomorrow. It's so unorganised, I don't know how they expect to workshop 20 three thousand word pieces in three weeks, but my tutor's shortcomings are not my concern. As long as she passes me. I don't want to workshop the thing I did previously anyway, it's not what I'm going to submit. See I've done bits from the beginning, middle and end, but now I just want to submit a chapter from the middle. Just easier than trying to write three seperate parts. But we'll see what they say tomorrow, I guess.

Sigh.

I really can't 'sigh' enough.

Music: Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin
Mood: Rushed

Chasing comets with a butterfly net

I am heartbroken at the moment. Well no, not heartbroken really, it's more...I don't even know how to explain it. I'm bursting. I'm splintering. I stand in awe. Love is beautiful and love hurts, regardless of the forms it comes in. I just feel so overwhelmed by this realisation.

Your obsessions will kill you.

Even as my heart was aching, I met Em in the city last night and we headed for the Marriot Hotel. We had their dessert buffet for dinner, it was beautiful. Any time you can get away with having limitless amounts of cheese cake, tiramisu, scones, black forrest cake, creme brulee, and lollies for dinner, you know you did something right. We sat there for three hours, with our bottles of Evian and lattes and desserts. Later we went downstairs and sat in the lounge letting the grand piano work its magic. Decadence. It never hurts. I need to see her more, we are always so easy together.

It was really windy last night so it didn't go on too long. I got home before midnight and let the emotions do what they want. There is a certain kind of restfulness that comes from crying yourself to sleep. It's an exhaustive, all consuming darkness. I haven't slept that deeply in weeks.

So now I'm at work, thoughts ticking over slowly in my headache head. I'm restless, like an itch I can't scratch, like I need a hit. I'm completely overwhelmed, on the verge of tears every few seconds, choking back these inexplicable sobs that have no real place here. But I'm happy...in that tragic sort of way.

It's all very bizarre, I'm not quite sure what to make of it all. By tomorrow it'll probably be gone, back to normal, but I kind of don't want it to.

I get so bored, everything is working out just fine. I have to get tangled in something, tangled in something. I can't help myself.

Music: Stars in their eyes - Armor For Sleep
Mood: Overwhelmed



[Edit: After discussing the blowout of the scope of my emotions with Abbi, I’ve realised that this is probably what they call in the writing business, a “coming of age” moment. This is one of those moments were you know things have changed, and they won’t ever be quite the same cause you have this new knowledge, this new experience. A new way of seeing things. I’m probably a bit late having this moment, but that’s not the point. It’s still valid. It’s all part of "growing up” as they say. This is the first real “lightbulb” moment I think I will be able to fully recall. It doesn’t make the feeling any less weird, but whatever.]

Ramble Ramble

Oh Captain, my Captain.
Glee!

Ramble...ramble...ramblerambleramble.

Don't mind me, I've gone insaaaaane. Sigh. I am waiting for Dad to go to work so I can take over ze television. Should be doing uni work but hey, shoulda, coulda, woulda...but didn't. It's the uni student way.

Em is apparantly taking me out to dinner tonight. I don't know where we are going but she insists on paying and who am I to pass on a free meal? Probably checking out a place for her 21st. It's still impossible for me to track down Roze and it's pushing me over the edge. Take your damn presents woman!

Anyway, ranting and rambling aside, I really have nothing to contribute. Life is ever the same blend of routine and responsibility.

I've got an obsession for the week though. Oh yes, indeed I do. One word. Torchwood. I am completely, utterly, gone on this Doctor Who spin off. At any one time I'm not doing something, whether it be while staring into space at work or doodling at uni, my brain is going "Torchwood. You should be watching Torchwood. You could be watching Torchwood. Do you know what's happening next on Torchwood? Torchwoodtorchwoodtorchwood." It's actually rather disturbing. I can't specifically tell you why I have become so obsessed with this show, be it the characters, the plot, the cool, the aliens - who knows; but it is just fantastic. A lot more than I would have expected from a spin-off show. It's funny, and it's got syle...and it's just cool people. I watched the first episode and was immediately hooked. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, the first time I saw Captain Jack Harkness I just knew this was a character I could support. It's the military coat ok, more people should wear military coats for no apparant reason. The world would be a better place. Hm. "And lo, we are preceived." Glee.



But on that note, I have three hours at my disposal at the moment and I'm going to make the most of it...

Music: I love Rock & Roll - Joan Jett
Mood: Amused

Dying slowly of boredom

It's too hot to be sitting in the car waiting for the doctor to show up. I need my own set of keys or something! It also doesn't help that I just watched an episode of Torchwood where a girl is trapped in her car at the start and then stripped of her skin and organs. Pleasant. At least it's not dark.

Torchwood, may I just point out, is fantastic. I only have 6 episode until I'm done with season 1. Woe! I was babbling about it in class and no one had a clue what I was talking about, glee!

Since I'm on the topic, finished watching Heroes last night. SYLAR SURVIVES?? After all that? What is this madness? They just leave him there and...and...gah! How can they be that stupid? Also, damn it, can't Peter multi-task? That show is endlessly frustrating, I wash my hands of it.

Washing of the hands is also imminent for this Children's Fiction class. So. Frustrating. We started half an hour late cause the teacher stood there going through his email. He was looking for something class related, but that's not the point! And we're "workshopping" now but the way they did it in this class...holy crap, I've never seen anything like it. They literally went through every line to edit and critique, to the point of redundancy. I felt so bad for the poor guy. Usually when we workshop we say things we like and things we think needs work...we don't analyse every sentence submitted! Its no wonder then it went for over an hour. Like I said poor guy. Ally and I had enough by this point and were discussing Edward instead (I lent her New Moon)...Anthony interrupted us halfway through with "you're still talking about that!" T'was quite amusing. Then we did what any self-preserving being would do, we left at 12 during the break. Hell there's only so much repetitive criticism one can take...even if one is the audience and the person "under attack". They are probably going to tear my Limbo to shreds but hey, it's not rocket sciene....it's teen girl fiction. Like you know, whatever.

On the home front, the parentals have sold the Zafira. I'm slightly pissed since its for less than they should be getting for it but my dad doesn't wait anymore. Can't help but feel guilty. Stupid guilt. Grumbles.

Ugh. My laptop is still on the brink just so by the by. Screen is currently pulling its disappearing trick and still no sound. Gaaaaaaarrrr. I have to sneak about the house looking for unused dvd playing facilities, it's insane! Then I'm interrupted every two seconds "what are you watching?", "Go away! The alien is sucking their brain, can't you see this is tense?"....not really, but something like that. Also your father sneaking up on you is NOT FUNNY. I'm going to die young.
Concluding statement.....vampires rock.

Music: A song in the key of sex - Lorene Drive
Mood: Hyper

You're just too good to be true

Ok here's a tip : do not watch Torchwood in your uni's dark, deserted computer lab. Every creak or slamming door freaked me the fuck out. I couldn't even finish the episode, I had two installments left when I decided I'd better head for class. Then everyone was late, I thought they'd been body snatched while I was hiding in the lab. So overall it's not too good for your nerves first thing in the morning. Anyway, I've given up on youtube's shoddy sound and picture and bought the first season. Look at my remarkable saving ability!

*shakes head*

Oh oh speaking of! As I was ambling about town hall aimlessly, I went to Borders contemplating buying 'Breath' by Tim Winton and the movie 'Waitress' (this was before I decided on purchasing season) and who is there but the absent Travis. He's still here. Mwahaha. He was totally nerd!travis though, it was freaking adorable. Black rimmed glasses and cardigan. Glee. Another glee moment was found earlier as it turns out I have successfully roped Ally into twilight fandom. Team Edward all the way.

Ugh class. Actors actually showed up today. They're there to "read" our scripts as part of workshopping. Its freaky and daunting since they are actual professionals...the woman was on water rats or blue heelers or something. Now they are volunteering to read our weird, amateur nonsense. I have to go next week. Eeeeep.

I just read the funniest thing :

I know how I’m gonna die. It will be in England, and I’ll be hit by a car while I’m crossing an intersection. The road will be wet. The car will be Italian. Imagine standing at the mouth of a cave at twilight. Without warning, millions of bats scream past you at lightning speed on their way to hunt. Now imagine that the bats are all flying just inches off the ground. Now imagine that 25% of the bats change their minds and suddenly decide to head back into the cave at full speed. Now imagine that a different 25% of the bats suddenly become retarded and start spinning in random frenzied circles. Now imagine that they aren’t bats, but they’re actually full-sized cars and busses. That’s what it’s like to try cross a street in England. I’m telling you, I lose faith in the laws of physics. What it means is that, instead of simply looking left and looking right, and strolling across like a well-adjusted pedestrian, I have to look left, right, then left and right again, then right again, THEN I run like hell across the street yelling “oh shit oh shit oh shit” WHILE I’m looking left and right. Did I mention that the busses here are stealth? Yeah. Totally silent. Fast as fuck. Dangerous. Eerie. Hungry for American meat.

Mat Devine is a genius ;)

Music: Can't take my eyes off you - Muse
Mood: Cheerful

A heart that's harder than stone

Damn it, talk about bad timing. I stupidly just deleted this post JUST as the draft was saving. The internet continues to mess with me. I am not your toy! *shakes fist at nerd overlord*

Ok let's see....what was I saying...

I watched a rather bizarre movie after work today - Secretary with Maggie Gyllenhaal. IMDB has the description as "A young woman, recently released from a mental hospital, gets a job as a secretary to a demanding lawyer, where their employer-employee relationship turns into a sexual, sadomasochistic one." So yeah, go figure.

After that I sat in the sun reading since it's the only place that was comfortably warm since winter has decided to send a last pitiful reminded not to forget it, with Oreo running around as she does. The Home Care lady showed up to collect her catalogue and Oreo decided to go gaurd dog. She's really bad at it, it turns into some sort of bad comedy skit. She's delusional. Tonight when I took her for a walk she wanted to take on this super aggressive pit bull being walked by three wannabe gangsters. Like I said, delusional.

Oh, rumour has it there's a new Green Day album due out next year. About time, I say. This internet fueled world has made me impatient. You hardly ever need to wait four or five years for an album anymore these days. Funny old world innit?

Speaking of albums, listened to the new Jack's Mannequin one yesterday. Gotta love that piano rock. I'm especially fond of 'Spinning' and 'Lullaby'. The 'Suicide Blonde' track irks me a bit merely because of the name...I swear there's an INXS song by the same title. It would appear that I am easily confused.

I also wacthed the first episode of Torchwood on youtube. Youtube. I don't know why but I feel there's a certain type of pathetic-ness that comes with watching TV shows on youtube. No offence to the many many people I know who do it. Just personally I find it sad waiting forever to load 5 installments of ten minutes of bad quality footage. But I wanted to check it out before I spent a small fortune on the dvds...consulting my good friend e-bay first though. Oh god, some people on e-bay annoy me...mostly the people that chase up the price six days before the auction ends...honestly what are you doing? You're making it worse for everrrrryone. Tsk tsk.

Anyway...I have to go back to uni tomorrow. Joy. I just re-printed my stupid script cause I didn't notice the grammar errors the first time. Why do I always do that? I seriously need to learn to read before I print. It's ridiculous! Honestly though, I've spent more time trying to decide what to wear tomorrow than I have worrying about work. My priorities are clearly in order. I've also been contemplating whether the uni has a faster download speed and if I should take advantage if they do *strokes beard*

You know what I hate? When that damn Paramore song gets stuck in my head....I'm in the business of misery, let's take it from the top. She's got a body like an hourglass, it's ticking like a clock. GAH! *bashes head against desk* That Hayley girl just grates me something severe.

What else did I want to say? I guess except for feeling that sometimes life consists of noncommital repsonses to other people's dramas, nothing. I have nothing to say. I am dying for a show.

Well, I have the last two episodes of Heroes left. I am going to be rather annoyed if things aren't tied up properly. I am suffering through the frustration for a pay off after all. I sort fo want to watch season 2 just to see how the pacing works as it only has 12 episodes or something. The shorter, more compressed format seems promising. I think I best go finish it all now...

Music: The boy who blocked his own shot - Brand New
Mood: Lethargic

It's ticking like a clock

Daylight saving messes with my head. I love it, sure, it's nice to be able to go out at 8 and it's still light out, but when it starts I waste so much time...like this morning I woke up at 10.30, which is actually 9.30, which is an hour lost. Sigh.

Oh well, what you gonna do?

I wanted to work on my assignments today but I didnt have the enthusiasm this morning and instead got distracted dowloading music. I am nothing if not predictable. I am actually rather excited since I found all these Muse b-sides while looking for their cover of 'Please please please let me get what I want'...I didnt actually find that one but more than enough others *flaps* Instrumentals!

I read the stories of two people in my Children's Writing class who are workshopping this week. I loathe workshopping. I never know what to say. I can always say "oh I liked this bit" but when it comes to the negative, I find it very hard to deliver any feedback. How can you say to someone "look I really think you ramble too much and you should stop repeating this bit". I feel bad. Also, not many people take criticism well and then they go all "I hate you". It's no wonder artistic people are notoriously deranged.

I have discovered Contiki offers camping tours. I think that's pretty cool. It works out cheaper camping and really gets that backpacker thing going, but being in a group makes it a bit more interesting. Hey if I can save enough money I could do that next July. Although I guess I should really save for the US/Canada at the end of next year. There is too much out there to do! Gah. Solution - become immortal. My plan is fool proof!

Music: From the Ritz to the Rubble - Arctic Monkeys
Mood: Lazy

More like a sponge

I came across the top 100 books of all time list this morning. I assume it's a new version. I've read a lot of books on that list, and there are others I have been intending to read. It just makes me wish I had more time.

I've watched nine episodes of Heroes today. Suffice it to say I am a couch potato. I've got six left so I figure I can finish it tomorrow. Hiro is utterly adorable. The show is rather frustrating at times, but totally addictive. People don't become obsessed with shows for no reason, I guess. It does induce what I call the X-Men effect though, the sudden irrational desire to be a mutant. And hey I've had headaches lately, could be a sign...sigh. It's been overcast all day which makes me feel slightly better for still being in my pjs. The parentals went on one of their 4x4 day trips so I had run of the tv. Huzzah. I've been watching dvds on my portable player since the laptop isn't co-operating and the screen really is quite miniscule. But hey, anything will do.

In other news I'm starting to get rather freaked out about the impending trip. It's next month for crying out loud and no arrangmenets have been made. I've been doing research and drawing up plans and what not, but I cannot get them to sit down and sort it out. I am rather screwed if things aren't finalized soon cause I can't do it myself. It's not like I have the money for a self-funded trip...it's supposed to be a 21st birthday present! I get nervous and apprehensive and just...gah. You'd think I'd know better than to look forward to things. I think it's cause we still haven't been able to sell the stupid Zafira...I guess they were relying on that to be the bankroll.

Ugh. I don't know. I guess I'll just focus on things I can actually exert some control over....like what to get for dinner, or what shoes to wear. How exciting.

Music: Everything's Magic - Angels & Airwaves
Mood: Apprehensive

Dream of demons while you sleep

Blargh. I need to sleep more. It's ridiculous to wake up so tired, and then going through the day in this state of half zombieness. To be fair, I had no intention of waking up so damn early this morning. It's all my dad's fault. First he tries waking me up, then he lets Oreo in to terrorize me. And she was wet! Wet dog smell is never nice, even when you love the lazy ball of fur. Silly dog.

I finished my first draft for screenwriting. Three cheers for being productive. It's exactly fifteen pages long too, so that's a relief. I also cleaned my room up a bit, it looked like a class 4 hurricane had been through here. I can see my desk again! I am slightly worried about this gel candle I've had for yeeeears, the gel seems to have liquified even though it has never been used. I half expect it to mutate into the blob when I'm not looking.

Maintaining friendships feel like an impossible task sometimes. We were meant to go to Roze's place but she messaged this morning changing her mind, then changing it back again. Then Em pulled out cause she's sick. So the whole thing has been rescheduled for next week. It's so complicated trying to work these things out between all our seperate unis and work and unforseen cicrumstances. I just want to give her the present and some of the books I've borrowed. It shouldn't be this hard.

My hands are so dry. Gah. Starving too...must go hunt.

Music: Down and out - The Academy Is...
Mood: Blah

Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

Why did I teach him that word?

The possible closure of the iTunes store does not exactly fill me with joy. I don't use the store very often, it's true, but it's nice to know it's there with my copious amounts of store credit, should I not be able to find what I'm looking for or just need something new. I also enjoy being an idiot and just looking at stuff. Internet window shopping is one of my major issues...just this afternoon I trawled ebay and amazon. It's fun, but it's also frustrating since I do not particularly like waiting for things I want. But I'm supposed to be saving so I can get my car registration done, and also pay my bills and Oreo's accomodation while I am overseas. This leaves me with very little "spending money" but here's hoping I survive. How did I go from discussing the iTunes store to rambling about saving?

I still haven't given Roze her birthday present and her birthday was in the first week of August. I am a wonderful friend. I suppose I should burn her some cds before I head over there...perhaps tomorrow. We'll see how apathetic I feel. Oh crap, I better not be too apathetic, I still haven't started my script. It's only six days, it's still good, it's still good. It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good.

I never learn.

I am currently contemplating whether to join Quickflix, or at the very least try their free trial. It's an online DVD rental company that offer a number of monthly options for you to hire a select number of dvds during the month, with no late fees or such. I think I'd probably be better off with the 4 DVDs a month (2 at a time) plan since I don't really have that much free time, but watching 2 dvds a week or so isn't beyond me. I have never been a big renter, preferring to buy my stuff, but hey, they rent out tv shows. Guess I will have to discuss it with the parental unit.

Lizzie has lent me her copy of Heroes season 1 so I can finally join the band wagon...so far I've only watched the first five episodes (I think) on the Sci-Fi channel but then I got distracted. This always happens when it comes to television. Lately I've taken a shine to getting the seasons, then I don't have to worry about that. Speaking of, Dad and I finished Jericho today. Woe. I love that show, why they must always cancel the good ones, I do not know. Though I suppose it wouldn't have worked if they drew it out. I havent watched the alternate ending for the last ep yet, so there's at least one small thing to hold on too.

On that note, I'm stealing one of Abbi's features in the form of my obsession of the week. The first obsession goes to *drum roll please* Doctor Who. Yes, I admit defeat. Doing nothing but watch a show for about 6 hours straight will do that to you. I first caught an episode of the British cult sci-fi show about a year ago. It was 'The Quiet Undead' episode with Charles Dickens, and Christopher Eccleston as the ninth doctor. I was rather intrigued by it all, but never caught an episode again and didn't actively think to pursue it. A little while ago, Lizzie got into the show, and fell in love with it as you do, so the next time I noticed it as I channel hopped, I actually stopped to watch it. And then I had to watch the next one...and the next one...long story short, Doctor Who season 2 marathon ensued. I much prefer David Tennant in the role though, I'm sure it's why I'm more taken with it this time around. Too bad acquiring the seasons verge on blatant extortion. That's right, take advantage of the nerds.


[image © jennicat5]


Anyway, enough time wasting for one day methinks.

Music: Desert Song - My Chemical Romance
Mood: Contemplative