Between the dust and the debris

Most people are fine in small doses, it's when you get to know them and spend more time with them, that you usually begin to understand why other people don't like them. There you were defending them to everyone, only to find yourself in that very same boat. It happens sometimes. We humans are weird creatures.

I've heard someone use the expression life is going to hell in a handbasket. That pretty much sums up 2009 for me. It's just one thing after another, like a ship being battered against the rocks repeatedly. I feel so run down and stressed out. Instead of going absolutely insane as I normally would have, I'm early calm and apathetic. I am the voice of logic, I am cleaning up and making dinner, I am tying up loose ends, making phone calls, driving all over town. At the moment, I am running this household. Thing is, I drew up a timetable at work yesterday and I virtually have to spend every free waking hour working on my thesis. I feel like I'm not getting a fair chance at it, one thing or another keeps popping up and I just can't concentrate or think or bring myself to put this first. I really have to. It needs to be a priority, not just something I'm doing when I have a spare moment. This is utterly ridiculous.

Speaking of the dreaded thesis, this reminded me of it:

It seems, as one becomes older,
That the past has another pattern, and ceases to be a mere sequence—
Or even development: the latter a partial fallacy
Encouraged by superficial notions of evolution,
Which becomes, in the popular mind, a means of disowning the past.
The moments of happiness—not the sense of well-being,
Fruition, fulfilment, security or affection,
Or even a very good dinner, but the sudden illumination—
We had the experience but missed the meaning,
And approach to the meaning restores the experience
In a different form, beyond any meaning
We can assign to happiness. I have said before
That the past experience revived in the meaning
Is not the experience of one life only
But of many generations—not forgetting
Something that is probably quite ineffable:
The backward look behind the assurance
Of recorded history, the backward half-look
Over the shoulder, towards the primitive terror.
Now, we come to discover that the moments of agony
(Whether, or not, due to misunderstanding,
Having hoped for the wrong things or dreaded the wrong things,
Is not in question) are likewise permanent
With such permanence as time has. We appreciate this better
In the agony of others, nearly experienced,
Involving ourselves, than in our own.
For our own past is covered by the currents of action,
But the torment of others remains an experience
Unqualified, unworn by subsequent attrition.
People change, and smile: but the agony abides.
[T.S. Eliot - The Dry Salvages]

I have to submit my application for Masters on the 28th. I need to compile a portfolio of my writing before then as well as get all the relevant paperwork sorted out. Please brain, remember this.

Tomorrow's schedule begins with a 6am wake up call in order to fit in exercise, shower, and breakfast before leaving at 7.30. I will spend the day in the state library, hopefully with Roze's company, where I will complete this creative piece and either do some research or start the re-writing process. Probably be there until 4ish. I think I'll make pasta for dinner while indulging what is now almost-fandom night. Reading to conclude days activities.

Rinse, and repeat.

It's strange but depsite the fact that I have been so busy with all this other crap, I've been more social this year than ever. I generally feel quite good too. In the social situations, I mean. I'm not really stumbling along in the awkward AVPD labyrinth hell it usually resembled. In that respect, it's been a good year. It's the silver lining of 2009, the things that don't make this year a total wash-out so far - a social life, great friends, confidence, and Abbi visiting.

I've sent quite a bit of time virtual window shopping tonight. Fairly sure I want to acquire this skinny authentic black Levi's from Just Jeans. There's also a gorgeous trench I've fallen in love with, but honestly, what need do I have for a UK trench coat? None, I tell you! I still really covet it though. My jacket fetish knows no bounds. Perhaps I can fit in a bit of shopping tomorrow too. I need tights from Dangerfield, shorts, aforementioned jeans, and new sunglasses. I doubt I can justify a shopping spree when Jack is standing in some garage twenty minutes away, awaiting his new head gasket. Woe.

There is a piece of cake on my blogger icon, does that mean it's Blogger's birthday?

Look down, the ground below is crumbling
Look up, the stars are all exploding

Music: Last day on earth - Kate Miller-Heidke
Mood: Thoughtful