My perfectionism, this godforsaken compulsion to be perfect, to be all things to everyone at all times, is immobilising me. I thought I had a handle on it, but apparently not when it comes to the big picture. I feel like my entire life has fallen into complete chaos. Most people would be happy at developments in their lives, but I am not most people. In trying to deal with the instability that comes with these developments, I constantly doubt myself and all my decisions. I have no equilibrium, and I hate it.
The thing that’s really throwing me for a loop is this unexpected job business. I mean really, what am I doing? Am I really that arrogant that I think I can take on a busy full-time job and study Masters full-time? A full time job in magazine publishing no less, in which I have absolutely no formal training. Then there’s the angst of having to tell the practice manager that I’m leaving and thereby leaving her hanging. But I cannot please everyone, and I cannot do things in life just to accommodate others, and I have to take the opportunities when they come. Somewhere within me I know this, but it’s like I can't quite process it.
Then there’s the Cardiff thing. Oh dear. See, if these things happened separately, there wouldn’t be a problem, but as they’re both virtually going down simultaneously, I’m not quite dealing as well as I perhaps should. I cannot plan anything, because nothing is certain at the moment. If I get this job, and mind you it is a big ‘if’ since I’ve told them about the Cardiff thing, it means I won’t be able to take as long as I would have liked, I’d virtually be in and out, and straight back to work. Disappointing on one hand, necessary on the other.
I don’t want to sacrifice one thing in favour of the other. I don’t want to have to deal with this indecision and uncertainty. I want my life to be organised, to be certain, I cannot deal with this, well, everything. I feel like my head is going to explode from all the scenarios running through it. I’m trying so hard to deal with things the way a normal person would, to think of things in a healthy context, but I’m failing miserably. And I’m stressed, I’m stressed. I’m trying to write a creative piece, finish my critical essay, write the reviews, and write the Torchwood paper. I just don’t understand what I was thinking, what was I possibly thinking when I brought this all upon myself. Did I think I could handle it? What, do I not know myself at all?
But that is unhealthy. That’s not the way I’m supposed to be looking at things. It’s good that I took chances on things as they presented themselves, it’s good that I was confident enough to explore basically on the spur-of-the-moment. These are all things you’re supposed to do, behaviour that is supposed to help get rid of that “all-or-nothing” mentality. I have my moments of clarity, I have these periods of times where I think I’ve mastered it, but at the end of the day I’m dealing with hypotheticals. When these things see the light of day, I’m right back where I started and I can’t so much as breathe for the belief I’m doing it wrong.
It’s hard constantly being a disappointment to yourself.
Music: Hate everyone - Say Anything