Held in some dreaming state

I am the very picture of annoyance at the moment. I have no patience so I may snap at you should you dare to ask me anything. Be warned.

Firstly, we seem to be waging an endless war against our company. I’d prefer it if they just shut the stupid magazine down, instead of trying to cut corners everywhere. We’re a high quality mag and I’d rather have it die now, respected as it is, rather than see it run into the ground. I’m kinda hoping they shut down the SB mag soon, I’m so sick of it.

Magazine publishing, man. It’s a fucked up industry. I still entertain vague notions of having my own mag though – considering the state of publishing, it’d have to be online only. Any designers willing to volunteer their time and goodwill to hook us up with a platform? I’ve got enough writers to commission – by commission, I of course mean work for free. Until it starts turning over some revenue at least.

Anyway, ridiculous ideas aside, gaaaaaaaaaaah. Everything has yet again gone to hell. My cousin sent out Save The Dates yesterday for his wedding on the 12th of November. Couldn’t wait a month, or even two, oh no. Couldn’t help out his dearest cousin there /Sam-like self-entitlement

I’m trying so hard to avoid continually flying up and down but I feel like I'm thwarted at every turn. First I put off going overseas cause I didn’t want to have to go Sydney-London-JHB-London within three months of each other. Don’t get me wrong, I love flying, that isn’t the problem at all. The amount of funds it burns on the other hand…slight issue there. Instead I decided to wait until after Abbi’s wedding so I could just go straight Sydney-JHB-London. Good plan, no? Ha. Ha ha ha. Sigh.

Now I’m stuck yet again. I want to go to his wedding but if I do, I have to return less than two months later. I had plans to fly in on Christmas Day (it is so the best day to fly) so I could spend it with my grandmother and everyone before the wedding shenanigans in January. So yes, we’re talking a matter of weeks here. Also, this poses a problem with my leave as I don’t have any, and it’s stupid taking time off work, going back for two weeks and then quitting. PLUS there’s the money issue, dear lord, don’t get me started. I’m trying to get a second job but unless that happens within the next month, it’s not going to be much help either.

Anyway. Back on point. My other option was then to just quit my job in November, go for cousin’s wedding, and then…hang around until January. I have family I could stay with, but then spending any significant amount of time in South Africa makes shooting myself in the foot seem like a fun idea. So we come to the reason I was looking up staying in the Kruger National Park yesterday – it’s the only place in that country I could quite happily spend four weeks. None of this solves the money problems – I naively thought I could get a job there but then I remembered they have enough people to employ.

Mum had a rather excellent idea last night though. My cousin (well, uncle really, but he’s only a couple of years older than me) is a game warden and manages a lodge in Botswana, and he may possibly be able to get me a job there. Working reception, guest liaison, all that sort of stuff. This would be, to put it mildly, an EPIC WIN. Working on a game reserve? Awesome.

But none of this would be concrete until waaaaay later in the year. Leaving me, effectually, with absolutely no idea what I should do. I hate it when this happens. I like having vague plans of where my life is going. Why is that so much to ask for?

Of course, people keep asking me stupid questions about work and the trip and everything, and I’m tired of having to deal with it. I don’t know, ok? I just don’t. Everything hinges on so many arbitrary things. If I get a second job. If I get a good sum back on tax. If my insurance isn't astronomical. If I can get work overseas. Dad keeps messing around saying things and thinking he’s really funny, not realising that he’s really damaging my equilibrium. Blah. I can only come to the conclusion that I have put too much into this ‘gap year’ business. I want everything too much. I’m overthinking and it’s driving me nuts.

Music: Blinded - Florence + The Machine