Monday, October 18, 2010

Breathing is boring

I'm having an emo day. That's really the only way to describe it. No particular reason for it, I'm just feeling glum and deflated. Like the lone balloon superglued to the corner of my desk from some celebration years ago (it's kinda gross but I can't get it off).

Maybe it's cause it's Monday, maybe it's uni, maybe it's work and its endless repetitive bullshit, maybe it's tiredness or maybe it's just that I'm still coughing - maybe it's all of the above.

The prospect of class tonight however is definitely not helping matters. I lost interest in the subject alarmingly quickly and I don't think that's endeared me to anyone. I'm supposed to workshop this 1000 word piece tonight and already I've gotten emails from people complaining that they don't understand it. Ok granted, it is an excerpt of a novel and therefore lacks context, but I supplied both a summary of the novel and a blurb on what the chapter's about. This is the chapter I'm up to, I'm not going to submit anything earlier that that because what's the point of workshopping the same thing over and over again?

We were told we could submit more than a 1000 words for people to read and merely mark the bit we wanted to work on so I can understand the argument that I should have submitted the whole chapter. 'Cept I don't have the whole chapter. It's not done yet and I refuse to apologise for that. It would have been done if I hadn't lost the two weekends during the break, but I mean hell - unforeseen circumstances meant I just wasn't mentally up to it. Now I'm just generally in too bad a mood to care about making life easier for my classmates. Sure, it's your workshop and you're the one who suffers in the end, but frankly I doubt this class will rock my narrative world no matter what I give them. Besides, I've already done two workshops this semester, with another coming up on Thursday, so sorry popular fiction, you're last on the list of subjects making a valuable contribution to my education.

And I'm sorry, but it's ridiculous to constantly have to start new stories for classes. I'm doing masters to finish this novel, I'll present the chapters as assignments if I want to. So there.

See this attitude though? It's toxic. I've been so terrible lately, I snap at the slightest thing. Uni particularly. It's really, really getting me down. Not the work - I'm used to tons of work - but the people. I just don't have the patience for them and I don't have the patience to pretend to have the patience, if that makes sense. I'm frustrated by having to constantly loop back over things and by the inane questions and contributions. My mind goes at an alarming pace sometimes, and I don't want to have to stop and explain it to anyone. Maybe if the topics were interesting, or made interesting through some inspired teaching, but no such luck. Frankly, I resent having to cover material I already studied in undergrad just because some people didn't do undergrad. What happened to assumed knowledge? And why do we bother with prerequisite subjects then? I'm just bored with it all.

So yes, not looking forward to class. Not much looking forward to anything other than sleep really. Bah.

Oh hey, if you see my fifteen year old self running around anywhere, tell her she can have her stupid attitude back. Thanks.

Music: Thank you for the venom - My Chemical Romance
Mood: Emo

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