Reflection

in my mind
in a future five years from now
i’m 120 pounds
and i never get hungover
because i will be the picture of discipline
never minding what state i’m in
and i will be someone i admire
and it’s funny how i imagined that i would be that person now
but it does not seem to have happened
maybe i’ve just forgotten how to see
that i’m not exactly the person that i thought i’d be

and in my mind
in the faraway here and now
i’ve become in control somehow
and i never lose my wallet
because i will be the picture of discipline
never fucking up anything
and i’ll be a good defensive driver
and it’s funny how i imagined that i would be that person now
but it does not seem to have happened
maybe i’ve just forgotten how to see
that i’ll never be the person that i thought i’d be

and in my mind
when i’m old, i am beautiful
planting tulips and vegetables
which i will mindfully watch over
not like me, now
i’m so busy with everything
that i don’t look at anything
but i’m sure i’ll look when i am older
and it’s funny how i imagine that i could be that person now
but that’s not what i want, if that’s what i wanted then i’d be giving up somehow
how strange to see that i don’t want to be the person that i want to be

and in my mind
i imagine so many things
things that aren’t really happening
and when they put me in the ground, i’ll start pounding the lid
saying “i haven’t finished yet –
i still have a tattoo to get
that says ‘i’m living in the moment’.”
and it’s funny how i imagined that i could win this winless fight
but maybe it isn’t all that funny that i’ve been fighting all my life
but maybe i have to think it’s funny if i wanna live before i die
and maybe it’s funniest of all to think i’ll die before i actually see
that i am exactly the person that i want to be

fuck yes
i am exactly the person that i want to be

Music: In my mind - Amanda Palmer