One of these days he'll make one for you

I’m bone-shatteringly tired today. Actually, I more feel like I’ve been made of egg shells. Teeny tiny a lot fragile. Didn’t sleep much last night, sat about watching the cricket (lame) and the tennis (doubly lame, would have been nice if Murray actually, you know, showed up) and then finished watching Alexander. When I finally did fall asleep in the early hours, I had weird dreams about Hephaestion. Fun times.

Ah, Alexander. I speak of course about the infamous Oliver Stone film starring Colin Farrell, Angelina Jolie, Anthony Hopkins and the criminally pretty Jared Leto. I’m not going to lie to you Marge, this film plays directly to my film weakness of sword and sandal epics. Troy and Prince of Persia stand before it as proof of my inexplicable love of these insane, historically/mythically inaccurate, overly long dramas. And oh, how I do love them.

That said, I am not blind to the faults, and often I take my own issues. Alexander started off well but I must admit, the ending left me disappointed. Not just because it really is too long – I fast forwarded the flashback scene with Olympias and bits of the last battle in India. What really baffles me is the handling of Hephaestion. I don’t understand why this love between them is set up so extensively from practically the first scene, and yet we never see them so much as kiss. Sure, there are a ton of deep and meaningful glances and exchanges, but come on, seriously? Not even once? It wouldn’t be so glaring if not for the fact that there are many other kisses in the film, least of all with that Persian boy who is featured far too much without having real substance, imo. I don’t get it, I don’t know why they didn’t go there, when it’s so clearly set up. Surely it does a disservice to this great epic love affair they tried to convey. And it was epic, those tears in Hephaestion’s eyes on Alexander’s wedding night don’t lie, people! But they never really follow it through, and that just doesn’t make sense to me.

But to return to the main point of the film…oh, Jared Leto is pretty. So very, very pretty. That wide eyed elfin innocence he has, man. And with the eyeliner…hmph. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret he so turned me off with his parading about at that 30STM gig I attended, and his sanctimonious speeches. Because seriously, he is pretty, even prettier in person, and rather talented too, in his way. But at the risk of sounding shallow, I have trouble seeing past the pretty. How I wish he didn’t strike me as such an ass so I could happily lust after him without always thinking ‘what a waste.’ Sigh.

I also watched a film called Mary & Max. This is a clay animation from 2009 and is rather bittersweet. It starts in 1976 and tells the story of two pen pals – Mary, a young girl in Melbourne, and Max, a man in New York with Asperger’s syndrome. Mary picks out his name randomly from the phone book and the film follows her through her life, and her friendship with Max. It’s a good little film, and if you liked Harvie Krumpet, I see no reason why you wouldn’t like this too. It’s quite heavy though.

What else did I do? I watched more Fringe, including one episode that heavily freaked me out and I sat there clutching poor Oreo with all the lights in the house on. It really does just keep getting better though and Peter Bishop is standing in for my dear beloved Ianto. Love. I watched the first five eps of Hawaii Five-0 which is a surprisingly good show. I know, I know, it’s hard to believe and I was sceptical as well, but it’s fast paced, has sharp dialogue, characters are pretty well formed and it’s funny. It’s the kind of cop show I like – in the vein of Burn Notice and NCIS. I also watched the first five eps of Brothers &Sisters, possibly the only straight up drama I’ve ever been interested in. Then there was also Scott Pilgrim and Return of the King.

You may notice that I’ve thrown myself into television. This is because I’m shutting out the world. I hole myself up in my room and I don’t talk to anyone because the thought of having to face my parents right now makes me want to tear my skin off instead. If you’ve been following me on twitter, you may have noticed a couple of days ago we received some bad news regarding my grandmother. My paternal grandmother, I should add. She had a bad fall and broke her hip, so they had to do a major replacement. Problem is my grandmother suffers from Alzheimer's, so any change freaks her out hugely. She was very upset, and if things work out, she'll never fully mentally recover from this. She also has a heart condition that means she can’t really have anesthesia. Obviously to have the operation, they had to put her under. This happened Saturday morning and unfortunately, her heart didn’t make it. They managed to resuscitate her, but she is currently in a coma and on breathing machines. They’ve given her three days.

I can’t…do this again. I don't think I have it in me. Not so soon. It took a lot out of me last time, more than I think I realised or even fully understood. And with mum, it’s somehow easier, cause I could hug her and be there for her and let her do her thing. But dad is…different. He’s not in a good place right now as it is, and with this on top of it…well let’s just say he’s not doing too well. He doesn’t say it, but you can tell, you know? I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to be there for him, because every instinct in me is shying away from everything. Three months ago, I could do this, but I can’t do it now. It’s the waiting, the uncertainty, it’s worse than anything. It makes it so much harder. Every time the phone rings, it’s like waiting to exhale. Then this morning we get a call from mum’s family to tell us my cousin has had her baby, a boy she named after my grandfather.

And I just can’t stand it. I can’t take this life and death, and joy and sadness, and drama and...life. So I’ll stay out late, and not sleep, and watch television, and clean my room, and sort out my wardrobe, and read books, until everything just stops and I disappear into nothing.

That's pretty much all I have to contribute. Wait, I did mention Jared Leto is really obscenely, gorgeously pretty, right? Would hate for that to go undocumented after all.

Music: My boy builds coffins - Florence + The Machine

Top 10: Favourite Doctor Who Episodes

As anyone who takes a glance at my blog, or indeed my study, would know, I am quite the Doctor Who fan. Although my exposure to its awesomeness has been relatively new (ie the weird and wonderful worlds of the Doctor's reincarnations prior to Nine remain a mountain I am yet to scale, except for Seven, who I've been getting to know and love), I don't feel that lessens my appreciation of the show and everything that comes with it. So, for this Friday top 10, I present my favourite episodes of New Who. Oh, and two parters count as one. *insert TARDIS noise*

• The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances
• "Well, I have a banana and, in a pinch, you could put up some shelves."
• Vincent and The Doctor
• "Is this how time normally passes – really slowly, in the right order? If there's one thing I can't stand, it's an unpunctual alien attack."
• The Girl in the Fireplace
• "It is the way that has always been. The monster and the doctor. It seems you cannot have one without the other."
  
• Human Nature/The Family of Blood
• "He's like fire and ice and rage. He's like the night and the storm in the heart of the sun. He's ancient and forever. He burns at the centre of time and can see the turn of the universe, and... he's wonderful."
  
• Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead
• "Some days are special. Some days are so, so blessed. Some days, nobody dies at all. Now and then, every once in a very long while, every day in a million days, when the wind stands fair and the Doctor comes to call...everybody lives." 
  
• Midnight
• "Ahh, taking a big space truck with a bunch of strangers across a diamond planet called Midnight? What could possibly go wrong?" 
  
• Blink
• "People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff."
• Utopia/The Sound of Drums
• "So, earthlings! Um...basically, end of the world."
• The Unicorn and the Wasp
• "Harvey Wallbanger? How is Harvey Wallbanger one word!?"
• The Vampires of Venice
• "You know what is dangerous about you? It's not that you make people take risks, it's that you make them want to impress you. You make it so they don't want to let you down. You have no idea how dangerous you make people to themselves when you're around." 
  

There's a crack in the edge of the end of the world, where I will sit with my love in this fluorescent swirl, eat us up, break it down to the tiniest cell, in a room with a view and a window to hell, with those who bury bodies in the barrels of fun, will be marched through museums that display what they've done, they'll be shot up through the sky by a cannon of sin, we'll reluctantly let them in, so so can I lie in your grave...

Music: Ahh Men - Say Anything

Sweetness keeps just out of reach

Twelve o'clock.
Along the reaches of the street
Held in a lunar synthesis,
Whispering lunar incantations
Disolve the floors of memory
And all its clear relations,
Its divisions and precisions,
Every street lamp that I pass
Beats like a fatalistic drum,
And through the spaces of the dark
Midnight shakes the memory
As a madman shakes a dead geranium.


Half-past one,
The street lamp sputtered,
The street lamp muttered,
The street lamp said,
"Regard that woman
Who hesitates toward you in the light of the door
Which opens on her like a grin.
You see the border of her dress
Is torn and stained with sand,
And you see the corner of her eye
Twists like a crooked pin."


The memory throws up high and dry
A crowd of twisted things;
A twisted branch upon the beach
Eaten smooth, and polished
As if the world gave up
The secret of its skeleton,
Stiff and white.
A broken spring in a factory yard,
Rust that clings to the form that the strength has left
Hard and curled and ready to snap.

-- Rhapsody on a Windy Night, T.S. Eliot

Music: Wind rattling the window

Everything's small on the ground below

I have done nothing I wanted to this weekend. Not amused with myself at all. All I managed was to work out a vague itinerary for the NZ trip with a list of activities for each place. Mostly this involves me abandoning the parentals and going on various LOTR tours. Let your fandom run wild and free! There are also of course volcano treks, jetboats, bungy jumping, giant swings, cruising and scenic flights to consider. For such a small country, there really is quite a lot happening.

Other than that, I spent Saturday afternoon in L’s esteemed company, lunching and shopping. Not that I have any money to shop, but it’s nice to look anyway. I’ve realised that Stella McCartney clothes seem to have been made for me. They fit me so well! Also got a whole stack of travel brochures – somewhere in the back of my mind, I’m constantly planning the big trip. It terrifies me, but I look forward to it as well. Odd feeling.

Travel brochures make me insanely restless though. I look at them and just wonder why I can’t do everything, why I can’t do that for a living. Being forever stuck in one place, doing one thing, trying to save enough money to do what you really want to do…it’s a cruel fate we’re subject to. I’m a gypsy at heart, if only I wasn’t entirely superficial as well.

I headed to the Gaelic – definitely one of my favourite venues – to catch Ben Jorgensen’s set. As some of you may know, Ben was lead singer for Armor For Sleep, one of the major bands of the emo heyday that I unfortunately never got to see live. I’ve been so out of the scene, I didn’t even know they’d broken up. Or maybe I did know but had forgotten. Either way, they have and he’s touring on his own. Great selection of songs. I shamefully don’t know any of his solo stuff, but I will be checking it out now. Ben is such a lovely, lovely boy. Sigh. Yes, I do want to kidnap him. Yes, I know I say this every time and am boring and repetitive.

Now, you there, in the back, pay attention! Here’s a list of upcoming gigs I would enjoy company for (ones in bold are the favoured ones, the others are options) –

7 Feb: Two Door Cinema Club @ The Enmore
8 Feb: Deerhunter @ The Metro
9 Feb: Foals @ The Metro
11 Feb: The Getaway Plan @ The Metro
12 Feb: Andrew McMahon @ The Metro (if I'm in Sydney, I'm def going)
16 Feb: Kate Nash @ The Metro
20 Feb: M. Ward @ The Enmore
23 Feb: Kisschasy @ Roundhouse
28 Feb: The Gaslight Anthem @ The Metro
1 March: Mayday Parade @ Forum
2 March: We The Kings @ The Metro
8 March: The Hold Steady @ The Metro
9 March: Wavves @ Manning Bar
7 April: Against Me! @ The Metro
14 April: Ben Folds @ Sydney Theatre

Better get those gig fixes now cause once festival season is over, things will be as dull and bereft as always.

I'm still waiting on two t-shirts I bought in December to arrive. Bit worried since the one I ordered last showed up two weeks ago, yet no sign of these two. Don't get lost shirts, I love you!

Anyway, plan for the week: work on short story again, do research for essay, organise interviews and articles, and get my profile organised. Best bit? Public holiday on Wednesday! Woo, short week!

Music: Gifts and Curses - Yellowcard

Reflection

in my mind
in a future five years from now
i’m 120 pounds
and i never get hungover
because i will be the picture of discipline
never minding what state i’m in
and i will be someone i admire
and it’s funny how i imagined that i would be that person now
but it does not seem to have happened
maybe i’ve just forgotten how to see
that i’m not exactly the person that i thought i’d be

and in my mind
in the faraway here and now
i’ve become in control somehow
and i never lose my wallet
because i will be the picture of discipline
never fucking up anything
and i’ll be a good defensive driver
and it’s funny how i imagined that i would be that person now
but it does not seem to have happened
maybe i’ve just forgotten how to see
that i’ll never be the person that i thought i’d be

and in my mind
when i’m old, i am beautiful
planting tulips and vegetables
which i will mindfully watch over
not like me, now
i’m so busy with everything
that i don’t look at anything
but i’m sure i’ll look when i am older
and it’s funny how i imagine that i could be that person now
but that’s not what i want, if that’s what i wanted then i’d be giving up somehow
how strange to see that i don’t want to be the person that i want to be

and in my mind
i imagine so many things
things that aren’t really happening
and when they put me in the ground, i’ll start pounding the lid
saying “i haven’t finished yet –
i still have a tattoo to get
that says ‘i’m living in the moment’.”
and it’s funny how i imagined that i could win this winless fight
but maybe it isn’t all that funny that i’ve been fighting all my life
but maybe i have to think it’s funny if i wanna live before i die
and maybe it’s funniest of all to think i’ll die before i actually see
that i am exactly the person that i want to be

fuck yes
i am exactly the person that i want to be

Music: In my mind - Amanda Palmer

Top 10: Random Songs I always forget I love

Have you ever had a moment when you're listening to your iPod on shuffle where a song you'd completely forgotten about starts playing and you find yourself saying 'oh yeah, I remember this! I love this song'? Of course you have, everyone has. There simply aren't enough hours in the day to remember, or even fully appreciate, everything. So here's a list of random songs I heard this week and remembered that I rather enjoyed (note: all from artists who aren't normally on my playlists or in heavy rotation).

• Bob and Bonny – Houston Calls
• So contagious – Acceptance
• I want to feel like love – The Hint
• Prettier – This Is Me Smiling
• The long way home – The Material
• Half as much as you – Every Avenue
• Clouds – The Morning Light
• Song in my head – Sherwood 
• Shiver me timbers – Mercy Mercedes
• The Minstrel’s Prayer - Cartel

Music: American Slang - The Gaslight Anthem

A quote before sleeping

You can build walls all the way to the sky and I will find a way to fly above them. You can try to pin me down with a hundred thousand arms, but I will find a way to resist. And there are many of us out there, more than you think. People who refuse to stop believing. People who refuse to come to earth.

- Delirium, Lauren Oliver, p.441

--
From Donna, with love.
[[Watch it, spaceman!]]

Heart speeds up endlessly

You know, life's pretty fabulous at the moment. Even though it's Monday, the start of another dreary, repetitive work week, I'm feeling rather chipper. I guess a good weekend will do that to you.

It all kicked off on Friday when a group of us girls from work went out to dinner at a gorgeous tapas place at Walsh Bay. I wasn't particularly keen but it turned out to be really enjoyable, and it was nice to get to spend more time with them, seeing as I am always in my little office on my own. They invited me along to clubbing the following night, but as I already had plans with M and R during the day, I didn't think I'd make it – correctly too, as it turned out.

We three had made tentative plans to go to the beach – of course this meant that it was overcast and rainy. Just our luck! I picked up my glasses and did a bit of shopping before meeting them at R's place and heading out to lunch and movie watching. When all else fails, there is always movie watching. We saw Morning Glory, in which Rachel McAdams plays an excruciatingly awkward producer for a breakfast tv show and Harrison Ford plays himself. Ok not really, but by all reports he is just as cranky in real life. It has quite a few good laughs and I know there was one point where the three of us were giggling uncontrollably, but I have to say that the awkwardness at the start of it is so painful to watch. We spent the evening watching tv and R finally got to see the first two eps of Sherlock. I think she's coming round to my Cumberbatch appreciation.

Sunday, we were off to the farm. Four girls piled into M's car, and we set off to Exeter. It was beyond lovely. In fact, I could never even have anticipated how lovely a day it was. Mind you, why M puts up with us, I don't know. We were so bratty, asking whether we could stop for ice cream, doubting her sense of direction and generally just whining about her not stopping at McDonalds. Kids have nothing on us! We got to the farm around midday, gathered all the supplies in the 4WDs and set off to the spot where A and his friends had camped the previous night.

After getting a fire going, the mistake was made of putting me and R in charge of turning the meat over – in our defence, it was already burnt by the time we got down there to turn it over the first time. Not our fault *cough* We relaxed, ate, stopped complaining about hungry we were, sweltered in the heat, laughed, chatted and played Uno. As you do. Once R and A had quite enough of arguing about rules and winning, we set off to feed the cows. Here's where we learnt a valuable lesson – hay, like sand, gets everywhere. We also learnt R doesn't particularly like cows very much – at least not when they're circling the truck, demanding to be fed. Well, as demanding as they can be, they're a skittish lot.

Anyway, it was really fun and relaxing. I have a faint sunburn to remind me of it. I definitely won't pass up to opportunity to head out there again. See, country air is good for you, even if that means you don't have any reception.

Nice day for a picnic

Cow goes mooooo!

Right, who's rounding up the cattle?

A's friends had a pit bike down there with them and I've pretty much decided to buy one. It's a small off-roader, a mini dirt bike really, obviously not for road use, but seeing as I just want to learn how to manage the gears and such, I don't see why it wouldn't work. It's much cheaper than a full-sized bike, and also has the benefit of being a lot closer to the ground when I fall off it. I've seen them around before and always thought they were kids' bikes, haha. I'm looking for a second hand one (apparently you can get them for around $300) with little luck so far, so I'll ask the Blink Revival Crew for help and opinions this afternoon. I'm a bit careful about it because I don't want to buy something that needs to be fixed up – while I'm sure dad will love it, Jack requires all the funds I have for mechanical extracurriculars, I can't work on a bike as well. Speaking of Jack, he needs new brake pads. You see, there's always something.

Right, so, back to work for me. I spent an insubordinate amount of money this weekend. Not sure how I managed that, but I better start behaving!

Music: Everything's magic - Angels & Airwaves

Top 10: Current Favourite TV Shows

This Friday is dedicated to my old friend, television. Here they are, the shows I've been watching the last couple of months and adored to bits.

• Fringe
• Doctor Who
• Lie To Me
• Sherlock
• The Big Bang Theory
• Buffy The Vampire Slayer
• Life on Mars
• Dead Like Me
• Battlestar Galactica
• Mad Men

Currently watching: Blackpool (season 1, disc 2), Brothers & Sisters (season 1, disc 1)

Music: Parlay - Hans Zimmer

No circumstances could excuse

So I’m trying to figure out the logistics of going to London then Jo’burg then London again without it being a colossal amount of money and I end up looking at tours (as you do). One of them happen to be a tour of the Kruger National Park and surrounding areas –

We head out along the Panorama Route to explore world famous sites like Blyde River Canyon, Three Rondavels, Bourke's Luck Potholes, God's Window, and one or two waterfalls en route. The Panorama Route is one of the most beautiful and popular travel destinations in South Africa. It leads through the rugged mountain range of the northern Drakensberg. Here, in the north-eastern part of the Great Escarpment, the inland plateau declines abruptly and steeply and opens up fantastic views of the plains of the Lowveld a thousand metres below…The world-renowned Kruger National Park offers a wildlife experience that ranks with the best in Africa. Established in 1898 to protect the wildlife of the South African Lowveld, this national park of nearly 2 million hectares is unrivaled in the diversity of its life forms and a world leader in advanced environmental management techniques and policies. Truly the flagship of the South African national parks, Kruger is home to an impressive number of species: 336 types of trees, 49 fish, 34 amphibians, 114 reptiles, 507 birds and 147 mammals.

I almost got weepy reading it. That’s my childhood, right there. Virtually every year, we’d head out that way. So many memories. That is the only thing I can say I truly miss about that country, nothing quite compares to it. My heart aches at the thought of it. It’s no secret that I look forward to my trips to South Africa about as much as Oreo looks forward to a visit to the vet, but if I could go to the Kruger every time, instead of having to be captive in the cities, it would be entirely different! Oh, in an ideal world.

Nostalgia has been pretty heavy handed with me today.

Anywho, I’m trying to see if I can get some sort of round the world ticket and do some other travelling along the way. I completely freaked out this morning when I realised I’ll be 26 in three years and there is still so many places I want to go, so many things I wanted to do. Got to get my act together, staff discounts wait for no demanding daughters.

Note to self: stop spending money on random things. Save! Save like you’ve never saved before.

With a little luck, eight months to go!

Music: Every you, every me - Placebo