I can see the trajectory of the choices I am making. But I'm so secure in the emotions that I've suppressed that I pursue it with a single-minded determination. Even though I know that it won't end well. And I don't know quite how I got here (but that's being dramatic, cause surely I must know, I made the choices after all) but I am becoming the Penny Lane of my own story. It's not a role I ever would have picked, or chosen, for myself. At all. Still, it is what it is. And maybe I should be more cut up about it, the wreck that waits at the foot of this fall. I've become so good at avoiding the issue though that I don't even think about it at all. All the angst and worry and anxiety has been lost in the passing months and all that's left is this projected image of cool. The cool girl. The one they don't get to keep. I don't mind it, though, not right now anyway. Cause there are these moments that make it all worth it. I know that won't last though, know that it won't be enough. And no matter what happens, how this plays out, I'll still be the one who leaves, in the end, who gets on a plane and flies to the other side of the world. And that knowledge...that's what makes me reckless and unrepentant.
Music: The poke - Frightened Rabbit
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