Direction

You know that scene in the first episode of Sherlock, where he's making a mental map to try and figure out how to cut the taxi off? That's basically the map I have in my head every time I'm heading home after a night out.

Cue drunken thought process: "Shall I go down Berwick street? Or that...way....or bus? No. Thingy. Thingy is good."  *walks down Wardour like I do every single day*

It's weird though, cause in the mornings I now walk up Dean Street cause there's less annoying construction work, but walking home I still always go for Wardour. But I've started cutting through a lot of back streets more lately, staying parallel to Shaftesbury, cause of the crowds. Summer tourist season, it ain't pretty. Especially on Wednesdays, when it's matinee day. Pro tip kids, stay off the sidewalk.

And so endeth my unsolicited rambling on walking habits.

Just keep moving on

So I have been hanging out down by the train's depot. No, I don't ride.
I just sit and watch the people there. And they remind me of wind up cars in motion.
The way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.
And I want to scream out that it all is nonsense.
All your lives one track, can't you see it's pointless?
But then, my knees give under me. My head feels weak and
suddenly it is clear to see that it is not them but me, who has lost my self-identity.
As I hide behind these books I read, while scribbling my poetry,
like art could save a wretch like me, with some ideal ideology that no one can hope to achieve.
And I am never real; it is just a sketch of me.

Music: Waste of paint - Bright Eyes

Howl

When I go back to Perth in January, I'm going to go camping in the outback for a week and stay up all night looking at the stars. Imagine the darkness. Imagine how many there'd be. I miss stars. They don't have them in London.

Also, yes, I'll be going to Perth. And then maybe Dunedin if I get in there. Otherwise, staying in Perth. Sorry Sydney, you know I'll always love you.

Top 5: Disney Princesses

To manage my outrage at the lack of Disney films on Netflix, I made a thing. Yep.

• Belle, Beauty and the Beast

Belle was always my favourite, I think maybe because I related to her the most. Restless, bookish, considered a bit weird, not at all interested in idiot guys. C'est moi. She's always dreaming of adventure and is wonderfully loyal. Also, I've always over-romanticised all things French so, really, this ticks all the boxes.

My life.

• Megara, Hercules

While I don't adore Hercules nearly as much as I do the aforementioned film, I have a bit of a thing about Greek mythology and I love sassiness. Megara has sass in spades. I love that she's strong-willed and more than capable of helping herself...even if she did sell her soul to Hades to save a guy. Eep. Sometimes I suspect that emotionally I probably have more in common with her than Belle, in the same way that I emotionally match Eowyn yet aspire to Arwen. Or something.

Also my life.

• Merida, Brave

I saw this film twice in the cinema, and cried both times. I am not ashamed to admit it. When it was released on the DVD, I immediately bought it and watched it with my mum, and then I hugged her for ages. This film was made to be watched with your mum. I love everything about it. I love that it's a real story about misunderstandings and miscommunication. About how we hurt those closest to us without thinking. How we, as kids, selfish and thoughtless, often forget that our parents are people too...and vice versa. I love that Merida didn't have all the answers, but that she never gave up, and worked to fix her mistakes. And I love that, in the end, it was about mutual respect, and finding your courage and conviction. It's growing up. It made me melancholic but also hopeful. Mainly it made me want to go out there and have adventures and take risks - and even if I fuck up, it's not the end of the world. It's kinda the point. Besides, we can fix it. (And hey, my mum will still love me.)

• Jasmine, Aladdin

I love that Jasmine is so fiesty and that she's not afraid to go off and have adventures. She's very pro-active, generous, idealistic and fiercely loyal, all excellent qualities. Plus she's not afraid of upsetting the status quo. Also, pet tiger. Awesome.

• Rapunzel, Tangled

Because, frying pans. Also, that entire scene when she first leaves the tower and then has a small nervous breakdown? Most accurate depiction EVER of what I felt like when I set off on my travels at the start of last year. Pretty much perfect. I like that she's so sheltered and kinda naive, but thanks to spending all that time with only books for friends, she's also pretty well equipped to deal with the world. She's terrified but she still does it. She's quick to adapt and adjust. I like it.

Honourable mentions to the non-Disney Princesses:

• Anya, Anastasia

I adore Anastasia. It's so funny and lovely, sentimental and tragic. And it plays on concepts of truth and identity and that's so totally my thing (academically speaking.) Anya is resourceful and clever. I love that she's so honest and independent, that she has no qualms about standing up for herself. And she's determined - she never gives up once she's set her mind to something. I think she's pretty damn cool. And I love the sidekicks in this.

• Odette, The Swan Princess

Hmmm, bit of an odd one. I've just always had a soft spot for Odette. I like that she tells Derek to eff off because he's superficial, and then he has to prove himself by trying to find her while she's a swan (and tries to kill her? Transformation does not make for an easy romance.) Also? Tchaikovsky, bitches! Culture. Sidekicks in this are fab too - Jean Bob! I do not take advice from peasants! Hee.

Music: Where did the party go - Fall Out Boy

GPOY

Communicate through pursed lips

I can see the trajectory of the choices I am making. But I'm so secure in the emotions that I've suppressed that I pursue it with a single-minded determination. Even though I know that it won't end well. And I don't know quite how I got here (but that's being dramatic, cause surely I must know, I made the choices after all) but I am becoming the Penny Lane of my own story. It's not a role I ever would have picked, or chosen, for myself. At all. Still, it is what it is. And maybe I should be more cut up about it, the wreck that waits at the foot of this fall. I've become so good at avoiding the issue though that I don't even think about it at all. All the angst and worry and anxiety has been lost in the passing months and all that's left is this projected image of cool. The cool girl. The one they don't get to keep. I don't mind it, though, not right now anyway. Cause there are these moments that make it all worth it. I know that won't last though, know that it won't be enough. And no matter what happens, how this plays out, I'll still be the one who leaves, in the end, who gets on a plane and flies to the other side of the world. And that knowledge...that's what makes me reckless and unrepentant.

Music: The poke - Frightened Rabbit

Intentions

"You're making a mistake."
"What?"
"In your assumptions."
"I don't understand."
"You think I want to fix you."
"Why not? Everyone does."
"I don't."
"No?"
"Not even a little."
"Huh."
"Does that scare you?"
"No."
"No?"
"No."

Laughter echoes through the night.