NaNoWriMo…

…and how I’ve decided to abandon it after one day.

Officially, National Novel Writing Month kicked off yesterday. It’s my third year – I won the first, didn’t win last year, and was all set to go for this one. I didn’t have a plan but seeing as I am the type of person who wrote essay plans for submission after I wrote the actual essays, this didn’t phase me. Yesterday I wrote 1363 words, which is 303 short of the daily target but close enough not to really be an issue. And yet here I am today, ready to call it quits.

Look, I like the idea of NaNo. I like that it creates this lively community across the world and all the socialising is a blast. But in many ways, I also feel that this is a valid point of view. 50,000 words is not a novel, and on average, churning out 1666 words a day is not necessarily the greatest way to go about writing. I am notoriously bad at doing what I’m told – for example, I never really did the in-class writing exercises at uni and I never wrote essays during class time in High School. I don’t like the expectation that I should be doing something, especially when everyone else is doing it. So the expectation that during November I should be writing 1666 words a day is not really something my personality is all that compatible with.

And it’s not writing under pressure that’s the problem, I excel under pressure. The whole reason I first decided to do NaNo was because I usually work far better with a deadline hanging over my head (and leave everything to the last minute). I think it’s more the idea of everyone writing at the same time – like every time you turn around someone is there, writing, and what are you doing? Shouldn’t you be writing? Why aren’t you writing??? Stop nagging me! I do what I want! If I’m honest, listening to everyone talk about their writing and their word counts completely puts me off doing my own. I know it’s meant to be inspiring and encouraging, and for many people it works brilliantly to be writing with others. That's great! Doesn't really work for me though. I don’t know why, it just doesn’t. It’s completely irrational, but that’s just how it is. Maybe I’m just too much of a loner to really embrace a communal effort.

Of course, whatever you write in November will have to be edited. Probably more painstakingly and stringently than a first draft novel written on a “normal” schedule needs to be edited. This is a given. There are few things in life I hate more than editing – in 6 years at uni I never once, ever, edited an assignment. The only re-drafting I did was for my creative pieces done under a supervisor, which is really like working with an editor telling me where I need to lift my game. But me, for myself? Not great at the editing thing. Which is precisely why my first NaNo novel continues to languish in a ridiculous, didactic state. Not that it didn’t serve a purpose – I’ve certainly never stopped thinking about the premise, even if I do now want to turn it into a graphic novel.

Now I’m at an impasse of sorts. I don’t want to feel like I’ve given up without even trying, but we’re two days in and I’m already feeling a nagging apathy settling in. I have a cool story that I’m dying to tell, but I don’t want to have to write huge chunks of it at breakneck pace while others are doing the same thing. So I don’t know, maybe this format isn’t really for me. And considering that I write, on average, 2500 words at work a day, I’m pretty tapped for words as well. Even if it’s just boring craft terminology, it’s still using the same part of my brain. Oh, and I still have an essay to write within the next week too.

I think NaNo is a great thing as a motivational tool, it gets people writing, brings people together and generally it’s quite fun. For me personally though, maybe it would be better if I was just 'racing' myself and my writing practice. So maybe I should just be more rational about this and instead of trying to fit into this model, I need to adapt it to suit my own style. Who knows, I might still finish anyway – sometimes it’s hard to stop once you get going. But I won’t beat myself up about it if I don’t. With that in mind, I think this November I’ll aim for 20,000 words and then just keep going. 700 words a day, give or take, is not such a huge ask.

Music: Fairytale of New York - The Pogues feat Kirsty MacColl

Statues at the gate

I am having serious productivity issues. In the sense that I'm not doing much at work. Don't know why, it's not a lack of things to do, I just...can't be bothered, I suppose. Sigh. Which is why I'm sitting here on a Monday night trying to write profiles, since it's just not happening while I'm actually within work hours. Oh self, you are so frustrating sometimes.

On that note, I think I'm going to let nano go quietly into the night. I'm never going to make it without pulling some serious big numbers, and I've got tons of other stuff to write. I don't like giving up, but the last month has been pretty crazy and other stuff's been happening...look, I'm trying not to feel too horrible about it.

In other news, I have just been informed that we are going to New Zealand. Woo! My not-so-subtle suggestions have paid off. As much as going on holiday with the 'rents can be a bit of an ordeal, with much swearing that it's the last time without fail at least once, I was angling for this trip because I wanted to go before I headed to the UK and with saving for that, I can't afford a self-funded trip. Luckily, the parentals have wanted to go for a while and it all works out quite nicely now. It's a bit sentimental too I suppose, last serious quality time before I abandon them. But yay! New Zealand! I am going to Lord of the Rings fangirl all over the place. Including doing this. The aim is to fly into Christchurch, head to Queenstown and then make the journey up to Auckland. Well, that's the tentative plan at the moment. Bit ambitious for two weeks if you ask me, but we'll see. So yes, that'll be end of April. Come here travel, let me hug you.




Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes that I am not there
I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised

Music: Bruised - Jack's Mannequin
Mood: Working

Go get your rope

It's aliiiiiiive!

Barely but just. Uni is done for the semester. Dead and defeated. Essays went in two days after I intended, but they went in. Won't get penalised for it, so who cares. I'm not entirely convinced of their quality, but then again I never am. I had a whole slew of others I was going to write for submissions and stuff, been to knackered to get round to them.

Tired is my default state these days. Last two weeks I've barely slept more than five hours a night. Not entirely unworkable, but it starts to show after a while. I've been wholly unproductive at work, a problem since there is just so much to do.

Guess I've been preoccupied.

Saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows with L on Friday - my heart, my heart, and other cries of woe. This is it, you know, my childhood is officially ending. I still don't know how anyone who hasn't read the books has any idea what's going on though. Yesterday, I caught up with a uni friend to see Red. It was quite enjoyable, but I was just pleased to find Karl Urban starring in it. Wearing a suit no less. He completely won me over at Supanova last year, such a nice guy.

Spent the evening at R's in excellent company, playing poker for genres and devouring too many m&ms. I won the first round so I didn't feel too guilty eating my 'chips'. Unsurprisingly, it rapidly descended into chaos, and by midnight we were nursing snap related injuries. I'm bleeding! Look at my hand! Your nail stabbed me! It's your ring!  So we've learnt that we can get quite viscous when it comes to snap, and really we are still 12 on the inside. Cards everywhere!

Admittedly, I don't think I was the best of company. Bit tired, bit out of it, bit grumpy. I was running late for everything, which didn't really help matters much. And I had three venti quadruple shot lattes and no food till 8pm, so maybe not surprising that I was weird and twitchy.

I had big plans of catching up on all that missed sleep today but my brain had other ideas. I haven't slept that badly in weeks. Will try to put a dent in my nano total today as I realised I essentially have 10 days to write 48 000 words. Suspect it's a bit of a lost cause. Wait and see I suppose.

Even if I lay my head down at night
After a day I got perfectly right
You won't know

Music: You won't know - Brand New
Mood: Blah

Of heads and being in over them

Right, my life is currently woefully unorganised and considering how much I have going on, this needs to be remedied. Time to go into intense I-know-you-hate-it-but-just-do-it mode.

Schedule! Let’s go!

Tuesday
Until 5pm – Work (no lunch break, too busy, Melbourne Cup eating up valuable time)
6pm – Home, if I’m lucky.
7pm – Take Oreo for a walk. I need some fresh air.
8pm – Redraft chapter 2 for Theory & Writing
10pm – 2000 words for nano

Wednesday
5am – 1000 words for nano (yes 5, yes I realise this is probably futile)
7am – Leave for work
8.30am – Work? Although a lot of time is dedicated to personal emails. If the editors didn’t love me so much, I’d be fired.
12.30pm – Writing, either nano or redrafting chapter 3.
1.30pm – Work (this week this involves chasing 7 outstanding profiles, writing a feature article and a double page waste of time thing the ad reps booked late. Deadline is Friday. Life is fun.)
4.45pm – Leave for uni
6pm – Theory & Writing, just class workshops this week
10pm – Home, dinner, redraft chapter 3.

Thursday
5am – 1000 words for nano (yes, I hate myself)
7am to 4.45pm – see Wednesday. Variety, I don’t know the word.
6pm – Writing Seminar, presentations and more workshopping (note to self: will need red bull)
10pm – Home, dinner, redraft chapter 4

Friday
5am – 1000 words for nano (I may beg for death, don’t give in to me)
7am to 5pm – see Wednesday, Thursday, variety yadda yadda
6.30pm – Home, maybe. Always late on a Friday.
7pm – Write up postmodern essay, however long that takes

Saturday
Dedicated to adaptations presentation/essay. If I manage to finish it at a decent time, I’ll make sure the postmodern one is well rounded and then work on chapter 5.

Sunday
Have to finish up chapter 4 and 5 as they’re due Monday. Then, if I am still coherent, work on nano.

I will need lots and lots of chocolate, junk food, and iced red tea to get through this. Also if I’ve made any social engagements with anyone…uh yeah, sorry about that. You can come over and do some of my writing if you like?

Now I must stop wasting time and write the 6 profiles I actually have info for. Cue superhero cape swoosh!

Music: Helicopter - Bloc Party
Mood: Maybe getting a little stressed. Just a little.

You'll only leave me dry

The latest competition in one of the mags I work on involved roses, so I got a whole lot of entries about the meaning, favourites etc (there was a whole lot of death as well with the flowers acting as memories or trigger devices, I did not appreciate it). One of them involved blue roses and I of course got curious as to whether they actually naturally existed since I’d never seen them growing. Off to wikipedia I went. Result: blue roses don’t actually exist in nature, mostly they are white roses that have been dyed.

Now, I am obsessed with black roses and when dad tried to get me some for graduation this is exactly what the florist said happened – they dyed them black. I was fairly sure at the time they genetically engineered them to grow like that, but I let it go. The research on the blue roses however revealed that I was so totally right – black roses are genetically engineered to have that colour.

Just once in my life I’d like someone to get me a black rose. I know they’re expensive and nigh impossible to get around here, but still. And yes flowers are stupid and die far too quickly, but that kind of beside the point in this case. It annoys me that on NCIS everyone gets Abby bunches of the things, as if they can just pop down to their local florist and pick them up just like that. Why must I always be difficult?

Also, on this topic – "The black rose's quality of being a rare flower renders it an apt symbol of profound love, or other such things of a rare nature." You see? My sense of romance may be slightly skewed, but I am still romantic (see also: The Crow).

Anyway, random ramble aside, let’s also park my emo-ness for the moment and move onto something else…NaNoWriMo! Woo! I’m all signed up to the madness again and super excited to get into the more social aspect of it this year. It seems like a fun group of people and there are tons of write-ins and events lined up, definitely off to a promising start.

I’ve been ummm-ing and aaah-ing about what to write. I’ve had a few ideas floating around all year that I thought I might tease out, but talking to Abs about hers made me realise I really missed those Amped boys. So what the hell, I’m rekindling the ESM passion and writing a novel of the season 2 arc. I will of course ramble/rant about my progress, and you can also check out my profile should you feel so inclined.

Speaking of writing, I’m doing this ridiculous micro-fiction thing online where you can win a Random House mentorship. Brevity has never been my strong point so I’m harvesting the sympathy vote – come on guys, vote for me! I think you have to register, which is a pain I know, but pretty please? I’m happy to offer bribes of hugs or cupcakes or whatever you prefer (you’re reading that the wrong way, aren’t you? I know you are *narrows eyes*)

TL;DR – NaNo, yay! 12words, vote for me!

Music: While you wait for the others - Grizzly Bear
Mood: Procrastinating (naturally)

Where is my motivation?

The 2007 NaNo pep talk by Neil Gaiman that's keeping me sane...

Dear NaNoWriMo Author,

By now you're probably ready to give up. You're past that first fine furious rapture when every character and idea is new and entertaining. You're not yet at the momentous downhill slide to the end, when words and images tumble out of your head sometimes faster than you can get them down on paper. You're in the middle, a little past the half-way point. The glamour has faded, the magic has gone, your back hurts from all the typing, your family, friends and random email acquaintances have gone from being encouraging or at least accepting to now complaining that they never see you any more---and that even when they do you're preoccupied and no fun. You don't know why you started your novel, you no longer remember why you imagined that anyone would want to read it, and you're pretty sure that even if you finish it it won't have been worth the time or energy and every time you stop long enough to compare it to the thing that you had in your head when you began---a glittering, brilliant, wonderful novel, in which every word spits fire and burns, a book as good or better than the best book you ever read---it falls so painfully short that you're pretty sure that it would be a mercy simply to delete the whole thing.

Welcome to the club.

That's how novels get written.

You write. That's the hard bit that nobody sees. You write on the good days and you write on the lousy days. Like a shark, you have to keep moving forward or you die. Writing may or may not be your salvation; it might or might not be your destiny. But that does not matter. What matters right now are the words, one after another. Find the next word. Write it down. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

A dry-stone wall is a lovely thing when you see it bordering a field in the middle of nowhere but becomes more impressive when you realise that it was built without mortar, that the builder needed to choose each interlocking stone and fit it in. Writing is like building a wall. It's a continual search for the word that will fit in the text, in your mind, on the page. Plot and character and metaphor and style, all these become secondary to the words. The wall-builder erects her wall one rock at a time until she reaches the far end of the field. If she doesn't build it it won't be there. So she looks down at her pile of rocks, picks the one that looks like it will best suit her purpose, and puts it in.

The search for the word gets no easier but nobody else is going to write your novel for you.

The last novel I wrote (it was ANANSI BOYS, in case you were wondering) when I got three-quarters of the way through I called my agent. I told her how stupid I felt writing something no-one would ever want to read, how thin the characters were, how pointless the plot. I strongly suggested that I was ready to abandon this book and write something else instead, or perhaps I could abandon the book and take up a new life as a landscape gardener, bank-robber, short-order cook or marine biologist. And instead of sympathising or agreeing with me, or blasting me forward with a wave of enthusiasm---or even arguing with me---she simply said, suspiciously cheerfully, "Oh, you're at that part of the book, are you?"

I was shocked. "You mean I've done this before?"

"You don't remember?"

"Not really."

"Oh yes," she said. "You do this every time you write a novel. But so do all my other clients."

I didn't even get to feel unique in my despair.

So I put down the phone and drove down to the coffee house in which I was writing the book, filled my pen and carried on writing.

One word after another.

That's the only way that novels get written and, short of elves coming in the night and turning your jumbled notes into Chapter Nine, it's the only way to do it.

So keep on keeping on. Write another word and then another.

Pretty soon you'll be on the downward slide, and it's not impossible that soon you'll be at the end.

Good luck...
Neil Gaiman

Music: Starlight - Muse
Mood: Still procrastinating

Cue the superhero music please

I cannot believe I actually pulled it off. Today I wrote over 8,000 words despite the fact that I had a full day at work and spent my lunch break rushing to and from the city to submit a piece for the Anthology. Delia is editing and I ran into her in the hallway. She said she had hoped I would be submitting something. I know it's silly, but that does kind of make me feel happy. I mean they're published writers who see hundreds of students every year, but they still take a personal interest in little old me. It's a boost I need at the moment since I'm beginning to suspect USyd does not want me despite my 3.3GPA and recommendations.

But yes, NaNoWriMo. It is a mess. The pacing is all over the place, especially now that I rushed it all in near the end. The ending is skeletal at best. But it's there. And that, after all, is the point of NaNoWriMo. It's not about quality, consistency, or anything like that, it's just about getting words down on paper and a story out of your brain and into the real world. I did that, all 50 906 words of it. So I'm quite proud of myself.

I was close to giving up quite a few times. The first week was by far the hardest for me, just trying to find the enthusiasm to start and watching everyone else's word counts rocket ahead. That's definitely not a mistake I'll be making again next year, staying far away from other people's counts. And yes, I'm fairly sure I'll be doing it again next year. It was also a bit of a struggle to get through words when my brain just felt so fried in a sort of uni/thesis induced hangover of sorts. Last week I didn't think there was any possible way I'd be able to finish cause Ii was just so far behind the recommended daily count, but Abbi insisted and so with a little faith from my friends, I pressed on. Yes, I left it to the last minute (finishing 20 minutes before midnight) but hey, that's how I do everything.

So I managed to achieve to goals for November - NaNoWriMo and a piece for the Anthology. It's not an entirely new piece, it's true, but I did spruce up one of my old ideas that I was rather fond of. Just to say I tried. It's all in the attempting. I don't want to look back one day, like I do with most things, and wish I'd just at least tried to particiapte in something. So this year I made an effort.

Now it's on to the next writing project, the reel challenge. Which is due in two weeks. Joy.

Meanwhile, I am flat broke and oh so much to do. Still have to pay my car registration, Oreo is going to the Vet tomorrow, petrol, movies, getting hair done next week, Christmas...hm. It's times like these that I want a full time job because I am looking forward to having my two week Christmas holiday but not so much going two weeks without pay. Sigh.

Work, while on the topic, was actually pretty hectic today. I ended up having to do end of month since the practice manager couldn't make it in. That's always fun *cough* The only thing that even vaguely amused me was all our ex-pat British patients wandering in and complaining about the "London weather." It was rather wet and miserable today, you can just see them all thinking they did not move halfway across the world to put up with this crap in summer. Made me smile at any rate.

Music: Peacemaker - Green Day
Mood: Thirsty

I will bend the light pretend that it somehow lingered on

Aaaaah. Birthday weekend was absolutely lovely. Lovely! That can be said in an Eliza Doolittle voice if you so wish.

My dad insisted we go out to dinner last night as a family, so off we went to some place he saw in the paper and decided we needed to try. It was quite unique, once we eventually got there. Parking was a nightmare and I was rather less than enthused when I realized I had to walk 6 blocks in stilettos. These shoes were not made for walking over uneven terrain. It was not as bad as I expected, shockingly enough I think my feet are getting used to such abuse. But anyway. It was a Brazilian BBQ place that is sort of like an all you can eat buffet except they constantly walk around with plates of food that they bestow upon you when they pass your table. I must admit I was more interested in their jugs of Sangria, the solution of all of life's problems. I possibly drank a little too much, at my father's encouragement which makes him a terrible influence. Just for the record.

This morning I went into the city to drop some things off at uni and mum tagged along. We stopped at some factory outlets on the way back, which led to too much walking but I did acquire a frozen cocktail mix that comes with the instructions "Add bottle of dark rum and freeze." Perfect for the next 49 degree day with the girls, me thinks. Speaking of, my gorgeous friends all came over late afternoon, Lizzie first, followed by Roze, Em and boyfriend. There were board games, a lot of loud talking and teasing, quoting of Troy, Glee watching, Thai food, cake, lollies of all description, and it all ended in Uno. Yes, we are that hardcore. It was epic amounts of fun, so much thanks to the girls for talking me into doing something.

Roze also gave me a brilliant birthday card, which she always does, but it bears mentioning. Oh and also got my laptop bag! Heeeeeee. Em got me a gorgeous Paris themed suitcase-container-thing (technical term) which I've been coveting. My room is slowly morphing into a France theme, unsure when exactly this happened.

All the shenanigans means I have not worked on NaNo much, which leaves me with about 4 chapters to do tomorrow if I wish to break 50K. To the writing mobile!

Music: Clarity - John Mayer
Mood: Pleased

Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered

I am feeling emo about NaNoWriMo (convenient that it kind of rhymes). I don't like failing things, it drives me ever so slightly loopy. It gnaws at me. That's why I have this terrible habit of not pursuing things I am not immediately good at, I cannot stand the possibility of failing so I don't even try. That's the odd twist of my perfectionism.

My perfectionism is also what is making this so hard. I'm self-editing and thinking too much as I go along, wasting time over where to break sentences, and whether to include a comma there or not. It's counterproductive to just getting the damn story out there. I keep telling this to myself and yet my brain keeps going "yes, yes, in a minute." Now I need 19,000 words to end this madness and I have what, 5 days left.

I'm annoyed more than anything. I don't do failure. I don't do not reaching word limits. After everything I've managed to do this year, am I really going to let a little bit of creative writing get the better of me? Creative writing, for crying out loud, it's supposed to be my playground.

The answer is no, I am not. NaNoWriMo thinks it can upset me and keep me down, well it clearly doesn't know me very well.

Music: Hum Hallelujah - Fall Out Boy
Mood: Determined

The truth about heaven

I thought NaNoWriMo was supposed to make you feel better about your writing. At the moment I just want to bang my head against the wall.

Ariene arrives at the rectory just before midnight. She is content to watch at first as she regains her breath. She had to improvise a bit, not having arranged previous transport, so she parked her Tesla two kilometers away and walked in along the back road. She preferred to hire bikes when doing a job, they were easier to conceal and made it much easier to lose a tail should it be required.
Ari isn’t usually one for going into something on a whim, but this is bloody Zusak. If she doesn’t act quickly she’ll miss her chance and that simply isn't an option. She really has an axe to grind with the man. After all, it is rather damaging to a reputation to have a bounty taken from under one’s nose, but what comes around goes around. Ari sniffs. Karma is a bitch.

Woe.

On this topic, I feel I need to address Abbi's novel (which you can read by donating here). I know that she is completely heartbroken, an outcome I have been dreading from the start. It's so much worse knowing that it's unavoidable, a necessary step in another direction. It was hard enough to deal with in the first draft short story format, but the journey has been much bigger this time and the consequences hit even harder. I just want to give Abs a huge virtual hug and hope that everyone who can actually give her a real hug will do so for me.

When I first came up with Eric over two years ago (I can't believe it's been that long), I saw a pale, too-thin guy who sneered at the world and swore to love nothing. He was broken, contradictory, confrontational and absolutely gorgeous. Along with Blake, Chris and Tyler, Abbi and I created our ultimate band that we loved enough to plan an entire television show around. And make no mistake, we really do love these boys. They are very much real to us. I've always favoured Eric in my flashfic pieces because he is so fucked up which gives me a lot of depth to work with. It's wrong to play favourites I know, but I love the boy to death.

Abs and I went all out creating back stories for these boys, but I don't think either of us could ever have predicted how attached we would become to Eric's. Again, there was just so much there to work with. When Anthony came to Abbi, it all just fell into place, and she sculpted this tale that fit my boy perfectly. It is hard to go through it, and I know it is incredibly hard for Abs to write it because I know how much she loves Anthony, but it is sadly necessary for the bigger picture. A picture I hope you will all one day see. In the end it is the characters that dictate the path of the story.

I realise I have just justified something as being "necessary for the story" - a line of thought I have been vehemently contesting since July. I promise you that this is nothing like that. It is not something that could have been avoided and it is not something that was entered into lightly or happily, and certainly not something we'll be making fun of in the future. Because we are real writers, and sometimes your characters creep in under your skin and become as close to you as our own flesh and blood.

I just had to write something cause I need people to know how incredibly hard this is for her. This is the best I can do stuck halfway across the world and without cursed live messenger. Much love dude. I'm sorry that I inadvertently made this a necessity. I really am.

Music: The fan squeaking
Mood: Dizzy

The people I've met are the wonders of my world

I want to blog but at the same time I don't. I don't know. I feel a bit like that in general, want to do things but don't. The lack of messenger has just generally made me less likely to get on the computer and stay there all day. But I'm here now so might as well give it a shot. It may even drum up some enthusiasm for actual writing.

Right, first things first, cocktails on Friday were quite enjoyable. Em and R were both working, so I met them at R's place and hung about scaring customers and flailing over my bag...well ok so the latter was me. But yay! Bag! Not to mention the bag is a celebrity in its own right haha. We headed off to dinner at what is fast becoming "our" restaurant. It was as always perfectly lovely. We were just finishing up when Lizzie arrived at Kuletos so we headed up there. We immediately started in on the cocktails, we were celebrating the end of the semester even if we were broke, tired, sore and with no real way to get home dammit! It was good fun. We didn't have quite the turnout we had anticipated since another party had come up, but whatever, we still enjoyed ourselves. I headed off a bit earlier than I would have liked but with the parentals being away, I didn't want to drunkenly try and traipse home after midnight. Curse the lack of public transport near here. But yes, the conclusion is as always: Kamikazes FTW.

Yesterday didn't even put up a pretence of being a day worth acknowledging. I literally spent it watching television, and mostly Nevermind the Buzzcocks at that. I had only ever seen a few random eps that I'd youtube at Abs suggestion, so when I came across 4 seasons worth of it, I decided it was worth perusing. I'm up to the last season I have now, about 8 eps left or something, I don't know. All I do know is that you know you've been watching too much consecutive buzzcocks that when Lee Ryan does actually show up you start laughing the second they just say his name. I also watched Goldfinger which is not nearly as good as I remember it being. Hm.

Meanwhile, my neighbours and the bugs had a conspiracy going to see who could freak me out the most. Seriously, so many weird noises, it's ridiculous. My neighbours have been particularly noisy this weekend, I don't know what they're doing but I really wish they'd stop. Ugh.

I made a point to be more productive today, so I've cleaned the house and I might give Oreo a bath after I have lunch in a second. Then I suppose I should do some more writing. It's not that I don't have ideas to write, once I get going I'm pretty much set, it's just sitting down behind my laptop is really not appealing at the moment. I just don't...want to be here. I feel like I'm missing out on things, completely mundane things it's true like lying in the sun or watching Oreo chase lizards, but I suppose after being trapped inside for virtually the entire year thanks to research and academic nonsense, the thought that I should do this willingly seems preposterous.

It must be said though, my NaNoWriMo novel is fraught with so many technical problems, it's enough to make you weep. It has such an identity crisis, it doesn't know if it's coming or going. There are so many different elements at play in a future that is both progressive yet traditional. There are far too many characters, one-time namedrops that make me feel like I am trying to keep track of the cast of Anna Karenina (but at least their names don't all sound the same which is a luxury Tolstoy never afforded anyone). The tenses are a tangled ball of past and present, and my third-person narrator cannot decided whether it is omniscient or not. Perhaps it is being purposefully obtuse.

What is a bit more worrying at the moment is that I'm set to start Chapter 7 next and nothing has really happened. I'm also almost a third of the way done. I was aiming for about 30 - 35 chapters, but at this rate I'm bound to hit 50,000 at Chapter 20. Why am I making more work for myself?

During all this, I can't help thinking about the Reel challenge. I have bits and pieces written down for that as well, but upon re-watching Goldfinger last night I realised I remembered it a bit differently than it went down. I also want to re-read the book before I actually get to writing it...and it's due the 14th of December. Mum and I may be going away the first weekend of December though, so I'm hoping to finish it all off that weekend. Beach cabin FTW.

It's actually funny to think about it all being done. Cause beyond that there's...well, nothing. I don;t know what I'll do when I get to that point. I have kind of gotten used to having some or other impossible deadline hanging over my head this year.

Rocks fall, everybody dies.

The only other thing I have to say is how tired I am of hearing about New Moon and it's not even out yet. Four separate pieces on it in the Telegraph today. Four. It's not only the fact that I just generally don't like the film franchise (based on the first, I concede I don't know this one will be atrocious, I am just assuming it from the lack of facial expressions), but I just feel that the entire thing is being misconstrued. Mostly I think the way people are interpreting the books are a direct result of the movie(s) which in itself did not do an adequate job of conveying the magic of the books. I do not know what that magic is, it baffles me as much as anyone, but I am not going to deny that there is definitely something about them. I devoured them with a fervour that can possibly only be explained by crack being laced in the pages. Who knows. It doesn't matter anyway. Fair enough, the fans are annoying, most fans of things are annoying. Come footy season, I find the nutters harping on about it just as annoying. I know I myself am no walk in the park when it comes to my ceaseless Doctor Who this and Torchwood that, but at least my fandom doesn't seemingly encompass the entire world and feature on every website, paper, and magazine. Still, I try to be forgiving as everyone is entitled to their fandoms. This was in the telegraph today:

"Basically, the (Twilight) books, especially the fourth, detail a textbook abusive relationship," Hamley said. / Editor Abigail Nathan of Bothersome Words enjoyed the books but has her concerns. "Adults are frequently disturbed by the nature of Bella and Edward's relationship, describing Edward as a stalker and Bella as a victim," she said. "There's an interesting selection of messages, with Bella constantly pushing Edward to sleep with her, and ultimately ending up bruised and battered." / Fantasy author Glenda Lake is also concerned with the way Bella never finds strength within herself and must, indeed, always be saved by Edward. "It harks back to a different age," she said. "Women my age had to fight to escape that kind of thinking." / "To present a heroine who never stands on her own two feet is to present a ghastly role model for today's youth."

Really? I am the first person to bitch about the general shittiness of female protagonists in literature - an undertone anyone who saw my short-lived I-hate-the-world post on Sunday will no doubt recognize - but much like the outrage after Breaking Dawn declaring it to be anti-choice, I just don't see it. I think there is an intensity crafted in the books that is so realistic, that you never question the validity of the relationship because it's just...right. That parents think Edward is a stalker and Bella a victim is entirely due to film which failed epically to capture that intensity, and they are played very much like stalker/victim (something that may be remedied by actual facial expressions. Just saying.)

The whole thing is very much in the Romeo and Juliet mould. If Juliet didn't end up battered and bruised, it's because Romeo is not a vampire nor did he have vampire friends. If you mess with things that are out of your league, then you are going to get hurt. Does that make it an abusive relationship? I hardly think so. I also think it's unfair to say Bella always waits on him to rescue her. In the first novel for example, she makes the active decision to go to whathisname to save her mother. It's a trap and ok yes, Edward does charge in and save her, but that's only fair since we're talking vampire/vampire death match. Bella isn't Buffy, she doesn't have slayer ass-kicking skills, but she never even pretends to be. So ok, moot point. Now this is just my interpretation of the whole thing, but I don't think Bella is a passive character. Cinderella is a passive character - everything happens to her, she doesn't actually do anything unless the decision is made for her. Bella makes her own decisions, they may seem small and inconsequential, but they are still very much moments where she exerts her own beliefs. I think the problem comes with Bella being more of a watcher, she's more introspective in watching and reacting to things which is often mistaken for inactivity. It is this quality that eventually dictates her "power" as a vampire, and saves the day I suppose. Cue trumpets.

Alright no, sarcasm aside, my point is I think they're being a bit harsh on the whole thing and as per usual, reading way too much into things. As a cultural studies student, I have had so many moments where I just wanted to scream "Can't a tree just be a tree?" because you know what, everyday people who look at a tree don't sit there and analyse the meaning of the tree or the significance of the place it's growing and how it is a metaphor for colonialisation or the presence of the Other. No, they just see a tree. Girls reading Twilight, they see a love-story. Not a dialogue on the Mormon church or a positive portrayal of abusive relationships or even the suppression of female will. Or are we seriously going to argue that people who are fans of Twilight are going to find themselves in abusive relationships and being forced into situations they don't actually want to be in because Bella is a bad role model? Not only do I not see anything in the books that could lead to such a thing (I'm sure you can find it if you wanted to, if there's one thing I've realised at uni it's that you can find anything in virtually everything), but it's just a classic case of shifting the blame yet again really, isn't it? Society has no accountability. It's so easy to blame school shootings on Marilyn Manson, and violence and crime on videogames. Yet we enforce stricter rules and regulations on these things and it makes no difference, the figures keep going up and we find something else to blame when the real problem is society's inability to take that blame upon itself and do something about it internally.

Although it is tempting, I'm not going to say "it's just a book." As the saying goes, the pen is mightier than the sword and for all intents and purposes, I'm quite firmly of the belief that words as vehicles for meaning are incredibly powerful. I also realise that when you are an obsessive fan of something it permeates your entire being and becomes a part of your life, so in that sense saying "it's just a book" can be quite hurtful and insulting. It's true that it can shape a person, and influence their beliefs and the way in which they view the world. But at the same time, this is teen fiction and a romance written by a first time author, and I think levelling the kind of cultural analysis upon the franchise the way many are doing is actually rather beside the point really. I do not for one second believe fangirls are going to end up meek and complacent in archaic female roles because hey, Edward Cullen or Jacob Black are not going to come along and sweep them off their feet. Real guys aren't like that and won't generate the same response. They know this, it's fantasy. Is that really so damaging?

I must digress now since I'm starving. I don't really know what the point of all this was. Ramble post ahoy!

Music: Hometown Glory - Adele
Mood: Meh

Gunpowder treason and plot

I follow quite a lot of UK natives on Twitter (*waves to most*) and I would be a terrible liar if I said I wasn't utterly jealous reading all the updates alluding to fireworks and bonfires and festivities. Yesterday was of course November 5th, Guy Fawkes night. I have some very fond memories of November 5th, usually involving the entire street gathering on our front lawn setting off fireworks, having a barbecue, roasting marshmallows and generally being more sociable than people were the rest of the year when everyone kept to themselves behind their high walls and snooty attitudes. Every year my school principal gave the same speech about how it was really not something we should be celebrating and the man was a terrorist and fireworks are dangerous and blah blah whatever. In Primary School it was pretty much the highlight of the year...well, just after Christmas, of course.

Last night as I was trying to manage the rest of the day's word count and so sat staring out at the pitch black night, I couldn't help but dwell on how much I missed celebrating it. It really was one of the defining aspects of my childhood. I don't understand why they don't even mention it here (really, the only time it's ever mentioned is in relation to V for Vendetta and even then hardly anyone acknowledges it on the day) since we are still technically a British colony. Yet in South Africa, with its long, torturous history with the motherland, we did celebrate it. Maybe it was just because they approved of Guy's sentiment. I don't know.

I think next year I'm going to properly celebrate all the holidays no one else really does any justice to. I can go all out for Halloween and do the house up, and then I can have a bonfire on the 5th...perhaps on the beach, so I avoid the risk of starting a ginormous bushfire that destroys half the city.

Anyway, you are hypothetically looking at someone who has handed in their Honours thesis four days before it's due and has therefore entrusted her fate entirely to UTS. As ill-advised as that may seem, I am completely free. I will probably get my results around the same time I receive a response from USYD about my Masters application. Good times.

My only other observation of the day was the sincere wish that the apprentice hairdresser would actually exert some pressure when washing the colour out. She's a lovely girl but the pseudo head massage is one of my favourite parts of getting my hair done and she is just not even trying. Her predecessor was a genius at it so in comparison I feel a little short-changed. Sigh. They've switched brands on my dye too, so it's more red than it was before. It's lovely but I'll have to see how it sticks before I deliver a final judgement.

Finally, though I have said it on many platforms already today, happy birthday Abs! Sam's serenading you at my, um, request *cough*



Now that I have sufficiently rambled, back to NaNoWriMo. Why did I decide to write in third-person? If someone can explain this to me, please do. I'm writing slower than I normally do and I think the p.o.v is the key reason for this. I find it a lot easier to write in first-person, especially since my creative piece (which I ended up naming From a balance beam just so by the by) was in first. In third, everything is constantly verging on going to hell - tense, perspective, everything. I know I am not supposed to worry about any of this stuff and I should just be writing and getting words on paper, but...ugh! It's hard. I've always edited as I went along, even knowing there would be re-drafting happening later on. The interesting bit is using a narrative voice that isn't a direct vechile for the character, so I haven't even tried to make it fit really. It's just there, slightly formal and omniscient, keeping everything together. I've also never attempted anything even vaguely in this genre, so it's...different.

But hey, that's what this is all about right, experimentation and practice.

Music: Lightspeed - Twin Atlantic
Mood: Thirsty

Darling this heart is on fire, and this life is but a dream

We're going to ride like silver on the desolation moonlight

Today's major activity was the binding of my Honours thesis. Four copies of fifty five pages later, it's ready to be handed in. Five days before the due date! That never happens. I refuse to read it again now that it's been bound though since I am sure I will find a mistake I somehow originally missed and then I will want to kill myself. So yes, as the saying goes, let sleeping dogs lie. I am going to try to hand it in tomorrow after my hair appointment.

Other than that, all I've done today is procrastinate and work on NaNaWriMo. I've written almost 3, 000 words. I need another chapter to be back on track with the target amount. Woe. I am fairly sure I'm just rambling about inconsequential nonsense. I drew up a vague chapter outline to prevent any more of that and have an optimistic set of 35. I can drop one here or there as I go along since my average chapters are about 2,200 words give or take.

Meep. I don't know if I can do this. But I'll try anyway.

Dance in my moonlight, my old friend the twilight

Music: Wooderson - The Gaslight Anthem
Mood: Working

I've got soul but I'm not a soldier

On a Sunday morning the whole crowd assembled,
I've done some things that I'm not too proud of...
I've never left you, a deaf ear for longing.
Some hearts are gallows, I'm not here for hangin' around.

My study is a mess, I really need to sort it out. There is just paper everywhere. I swear a tree died in the editing on this uni work. Speaking of, I'm going to try and get it bound first thing in the morning, perhaps I can drop it off at uni and get it over and done with. I can't get in next week and I'm not sure when I'll have time. Sigh.

Got to hang out with Lizzie who returned from her world travels last week. We had lunch at Pancakes and an amble about the city as well as the obligatory Starbucks. It was a good way to spend an otherwise dreary afternoon. A lot of crazies were out again, which makes for good people watching. Case in point, bride and groom showing up at Pancakes. Right then. I also had far too much fun making up the conversation three bike messengers were having as they congregated near our Starbucks table. Slackers! She got me some great gifts too, so definite win there. Yay, giftsies. Yes, I am eight inside.

Meanwhile, can't stop yawning. Bah. Struggling along with NaNo, stupid set-ups. Grumps.

Music: All these things I have done - The Killers
Mood: Rushed

Burning through the sky

I should be sleeping. Why is this such a foreign concept to me?

I'm woefully behind on NaNoWriMo already, I've just written little over a 1,000 words to ease the guilt of not doing anything during the day. I shall find time for it sooner, I will. I had other things on my mind today. Like the lovely Roze, Em and the latter's other half (as he doesn't believe in twitter or blogging or anything really net-esque I shall refrain from dragging him into the madness even in name haha) dropping by. I took the opportunity to make a proper dinner which is something I've always wanted to do, so it was a full three courses. Well, ok I didn't actually make the dessert, but don't bore me with details! Mum had to supervise the sauce making as well, since I wasn't quite confident I wouldn't muck it up, but in the end I think it went alright. I also used the opportunity to crack open a loooovely bottle of red wine, seriously it's the best red wine I have ever had, it's just perfection. It's from Noon wineries, and it is really just that good.

The entertainment of the evening came in the form of Wii Trivial Pursuit. Oh, the chaos, mayhem and destruction. Roze and I were at our distracting bests, and were both marked as untrustworthy. I'm sorry, we really did think Paul Newman was in Spartacus! Anyhow, it was quite hilarious. Em won, we were all overjoyed. It felt like hours had passed in the face of Sport & Leisure and Science & Nature questions. Ah, good times.

In six hours I'll have to drag myself out of bed and struggle through a full day's work. Good luck to all those with essays due in...oh I don't know, eight hours or so...and to those with upcoming exams! You poor suckers.

Music: Don't stop me now - Queen
Mood: Slight headache...I'm not blaming the wine!

Her hair was raven and her heart was like a tomb

First things first - Happy Halloween!

[credit]

I bough so much candy and there has not been a single trick or treater! This always happens. The minute I don't have anything though, they're lining up down the street. I wish we could all just agree to do Halloween properly. Save everyone some time. I don't get why people don't get into the spirit. It's Halloween, what's not to love about it? It is definitely party central out there tonight though, my neighbours are certainly enjoying themselves. Next year I'm going to make up the house, I don't care. I can hang a skeleton off the balcony or some such.

Right, so as participants well know, tomorrow marks the start of NaNoWriMo, and with my mum helpfully yelling names at me, I finally feel like I have a plan. YAY for creative writing! I've tentatively entitled the piece 'Unbreakable'. Here's my synopsis for any interested parties -

As the only daughter of telecommunication tycoon Maurice Mohana, Ariene appears to have it all - wealth, power, and every possible luxury the 22nd Century can afford. What Ariene wants, however, is adventure; and she always goes after what she wants. When new rumours start circulating about the age-old Adámas Legend, it seems like the perfect challenge for the bored socialite. But Ariene lives her life on a double-edge sword, and in her obsession with the Legend she risks exposing the secret she’s desperately kept for twenty four years.

Until their widgets start working, my progress will be limited to the site. Now forgive me as I become progressively less coherent as the month goes on. It is a lot of words after all. I am just thankful I have such good company in the madness.

Abbi is being pro-active in actually raising money for charity so be sure to donate here and follow her progress.

I've just watched Easy Virtue with mum and thoroughly enjoyed it. I have such questionable taste sometimes. As with books and music though, I just want to enjoy it. Often what critics like make a trip to the dentist seem like fun. I also watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail...run awaaaaaay!

That is the advice I wanted to employ when I had to usher another spider out of the house. Why is my father never at home in these situations? It's his job. I trapped it with an old coffee bottle and my mum took it outside to set it free. Major ew.

Anyway, I suppose I better edit my exegesis so I can focus on starting tomorrow. Eep! I'm totally torn between excitement and having myself committed.

To round off the post, have a few random links:
> 40 Greatest Movie Soundtracks
> 20 Most Recognisable Smells
> The Vampire Craze: An In Depth Analysis Of The Hottest Male Vampires

The comments in the last one amused me: "Robert Pattison's performance is the highlight of an otherwise mediocre movie..." - Hahahaha. Ahem. You’re all on crack. I’d much rather swap 2 out for 17 to be honest, but I can’t fault the choice for number 1.

Music: Great Expectations - The Gaslight Anthem
Mood: Apathetic